Bar Jokes 1

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War of the Sexes

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again.

Three guys are sitting in a bar having some COLD beers, when an older, obviously drunk gent comes into the joint. The old timer walks up to the young guy in the middle at the bar & says "I just had sex with your mom & it was great!"

The younger, middle guy says nothing, & the old guy walks to the end of the bar & sits down. The two gents who are drinking with this guy are pretty impressed with this guy's self-control, given the lewd comment he just received from the older man.

After about 10 minutes, the old drunk gets up, walks back over to the guy in the middle & says "I'm screwing your mom & it's the best I've ever had!"

At this point, the young guy turns around, stands up, looks the old drunk right in the eyes, & says "Go home dad, you're drunk."

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the same bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud Texas father pulled a slow hard drink on a long neck beer, wiped his lips on his shirt-sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said, "Just had him CIRCUMCISED!"

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"