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War of the Sexes

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths, " instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A country doctor went way out to the boon docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, he refused, told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He had gravy on one side of his face, mashed potatoes on the other, chicken on his head and two celery chutes up his nostrils.

The doctor walks in and the patient says, "Can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all you're not eating right."

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.