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War of the Sexes

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
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All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
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Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real Happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"