Humor About Women

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove!
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.
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In the beginning, G-d created earth and rested. Then G-d created man and rested. Then G-d created woman. Since then, neither G-d nor man has rested.
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Why Men Never Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off

your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

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THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

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Jerold H Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com
Copyright Jerold H. Feinstein, PE 1997-00 All rights reserved; contact for permission to use
This page was last updated on 04/02/00 and is located at http://www.oocities.org/CapeCanaveral/Hangar/6056

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