Religious Jokes (non-Jewish) 4

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Protestant at Horse Races

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.

Charlie watched the horserace very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.

Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse.

Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and won each time.

So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings."

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest,

"You never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

Pastors and their wives

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "This doesn't look good, Fanny."

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water ...
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine:
Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes Meals.

"Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

From my Sister

My Sins

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."

The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"

Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."

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Jerold H Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com
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