ENUMERATION BE DAMNED! I'LL TAKE THE FRIES.
08/13
Well, now! I've officially been working for 2 years, and this is also the 20th of these columns. What a coincidence... or is it? Yeah, it is... I made a half-assed attempt at writing this up a few days ago, but came up blank after realizing I had nothing to talk about save a few garbled blatherings about work which nobody really cares about anyway. Interesting how some things don't change, eh? Come to think of it, I've even used that exact phrasing before! Now that I've peppered this enchanting introduction with many and meaningless links, I'll segueway into my next little diatribe.... that being... Hmm. I haven't quite decided yet, so I guess this'll be a second. Wait for it... wait for it... ah, yes. There we go. The police helicopter.
RECENT COLUMNS: READ US.. WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
Yep... there's columns in these here hills.
DURHAM REGION'S FINEST II: First Blood
Yes, I overuse that notation system... No, I don't care.
The police helicopter, as it happens to be, was purchased for our region (and the neighbouring region of York, since we should all learn to share with our friends) a while back, and it's been harrying the night skies ever since. Hell, it's even done something half useful every now and then, busting up enterprising little pot-growing operations here and there in previously un-policeable fields. On the other hand, it does a whole lot of nothing, too, which is the annoying part. Specifically, it does a whole lot of nothing over my neighbourhood by virtue of the fact that there's a giant hydro field out back. Whether the potential for criminally bad puns or actual mischieveous activity has their shorts in a knot (or not) it'd really be nice if they'd stop hovering around. It's fun, once and awhile, when walking with friends, to scatter in all directions to get them to follow, but that loses its thrill when, afterwards, you are informed that a big drug bust went down the same night you do this scattering(Oh, well. He flashed the spotlight on us in what amounts to a luminescent version of the finger, so it was all in good fun). Speaking of this scattering, that brings me to the next topic on the top of my head, which will shortly be reformed into off the top of my head, Hell Church. Hell Church, or Chuch of the Coffee Break as it is known to its presumably lobotomized congregation, has several rather remarkable characteristics. In addition to having the stupidest name imaginable for any religious institution, it also has an eerie red glow when viewed after dark. While in all likelihood this is caused by an exit sign giving off way too much light, the statue which is silhouetted by this light certainly gives the place a hellish look. There's also the matter of the sourceless drain that pumps something out the side of the church. This water comes... upwards... from what appears to be the basement. My theory of liquified souls is largely speculation at this point, and (hey, there's the stupid helicopter now!) probably with no foundation in fact, but it's still fun to speculate once in awhile. Oh, all right. It isn't. Happy?
The anti-marijuana squad leaps into action, turning day into night, grass into water and weed into smoke.. I mean, captured contraband.
MUST... RESIST... FAT... JOKES... OH, WELL. I TRIED.
You know you're reading local news when there's geese on the front page of the paper. Well, that's not entirely true. Geese in and of themselves aren't entirely un-newsworthy, particularly when they're swarming parks en masse and generally making a nuisance of themselves, but it's just kind of sad when you realize that this problem was identified as such over 2 years ago. Yes, there's too many geese, yes, their droppings smell very bad, and no, it's not particularly entertaining when they charge and castrate you for straying into their territory, such as it is. At any rate, the local news, such as it is, really has no business existing. When you consider it, the only thing they ever report on is petty local crime, which is either a) uninteresting b) uncontroversial or c) so famous that it's no longer local, and has presumably been covered by a more reputable news outlet. Any of the above make for pretty lousy reading, no matter how folksy and local a spin they try and put on it. What I also dislike is the pointless editorials, and dreadfully unfunny cartoons that go with them. You know you're lousy as a political cartoonist when you have to identify the symbolic objects in your cartoon. The problem, simply, is that the humour inherent in a garbage bag labelled "Toronto's Garbage" is roughly equivalent to the humour found in Entertainment Tonight. Actually, the most entertaining part of the paper is the obituaries. You can always tell how someone died if you read carefully enough(which isn't very carefully, by and large). Died peacefully, for instance, becomes immediately suspicious when below, in bold letters, it says "Donations to the Massive brain hemorrhage foundation would be greatly appreciated." Like the guy devoted his life to the prevention of massive brain hemorrhages or something. It's always fun to see how old people are, too. Call it morbid if you want- I had nothing better to do at lunch today.
Also in the newspaper was a snappily worded little letter to the editor bemoaning the horrors of being fat, and being made fun of because you're fat. You know, fat people don't get seriously made fun of unless they're fat and stupid, or fat and bitchy. This woman had a remarkable combination of all three, judging from the tone of her letter- she wanted this doctor who wrote a column advocating weight loss sued for malpractice on the grounds of discrimination. I rest my case.
Hey, no fat jokes!
Well, unless you count the picture of Gord Ash.
SUBWAY JUMPING 101: PSYCHOTIC EPISODES AND YOU
Speaking of newspapers, the ultimate rag, the Toronto Sun, had the most nauseating headline I've ever seen yesterday. The issue in question: a woman, evidently overcome with some sort of psychological trauma boring into her skull, hopped in front of a subway, killing her son and somehow not herself. Tough luck. The Sun, naturally, was all over this like a cheap suit. Starting with an introduction I'm assuming was supposed to be harrowing, it dribbled drabble across the front page, which finally ended with what must have been intended to be poignant headline of Why? Allow me to retort... BECAUSE! People don't need a reason to jump in front of trains, you morons! Darwinism is justification enough for that sort of thing. Furthermore, if they were crazy enough to do so, chances are we have no reason to care either. The family probably doesn't want the story splashed across the papers- just think of the enigmatic possibilities here. "Oh, hi Harold. So, how have things been since... you know, the train..." . I am firmly convinced it's not even news. News is a load of crap, come to think of it. Nothing positive is ever reported, and with the spin they put on everything, the general impression is that each of them is secretly convinced that the world is going to end tomorrow, and secretly disappointed with each tomorrow that doesn't conclude as such. We simply don't need to see all this stuff- hell, it's self-perpetuating. Without all this depressing news to get depressed with, manic-depressives would probably get bored and go plant flowers or something. Instead, however, they sit around, drink their coffee, read the news, and jump off bridges. Bah. It's just disgusting to see them play up such a small story into front page news. They were still on it today, although they'd reverted to their classic word-colon-words headline format, with the classic Family: Jumper was distraught. Gee, really? I thought she jumped in front of the train to lose weight.. Lord.. just let people commit suicide in peace.
Sun headline:
Engineer: Train Has Serious Depression, 100s feared entroubulated.
AND IN CONCLUSION
Ahhhhhhhhhh.... that was nice to get off my chest. Anyhow, more fun soon. Until then, enjoy my soon-to be revamped email button... not that anyone ever sends me email. Enjoy it anyway though.
If you're sending email, make sure it's paragraphs for that other section!
Go Home! Inmediately!
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
MY mother isn't crazy enough to jump in front of a train! HAH! My intrepid ways will persist, even in the face of subway cars. In other news, worship me. MY page has been around 20 times, even if I haven't. Unfortunately, that also means these stupid cuffs have been too, but at least I have this delightful button on top of my hat to keep evil demons away. I love evil demon warding buttons. LOVE THEM, I SAY!
Mwelg. Go away.
Thanks, Starwars.com! Please don't sue me :)