Alien Interviews

Draco The Vampyre, jester from the Palace of Unholy Dread,
interviews the Sizzling Saucer Lady

15th November 2002

Draco The Vampyre : Greetings, SSL. It has come to my attention that you have yet to be interviewed by a 10'5" draconian vampyre. Being the only 10'5" draconian vampyre that I know, I decided it was up to me to do it. So, without further blathering, I shall commence with the questions.

DTV opens mouth, swallows all of popcorn in one bite, smirks, and mouths an apology to the alien lady.

Sizzling Saucer Lady : I am ready for you, you pathetic excuse for an evil spawn of an Earth Hell.

SSL sits back, crosses her arms, and gives the vampyre (or whatever Draco think he is) her dirtiest looks.

DTV : Okay, here we go.

Draco The Vampyre
Draco The Vampyre :: He is sitting in the chair on the left. Unfortunately, he cannot transcend the lack of reflection problems that plague vampires, vampyres, and other creatures and demons of the blood-sucking night-crawling variety.

DTV thumbs through his notes, wishes he had a bag of O— with him, and begins:

DTV : Do I intimidate you?

SSL : No. Was that your intention?

DTV : Does Osoma Bin Laden intimidate you?

SSL : No.

DTV : Are you Osoma Bin Laden?

SSL : NO! Are you trying to get me into trouble with the governments on Earth? If so, I will make you beg for your death every moment of the rest of your natural life. Correct me if I'm wrong, you are immortal?

DTV : For as long as I can remember, I have been immortal. Of course, that has so far been forever. How about you?

SSL : I'll be alive until Death takes me. So you're immortal. Good good. I've been looking for a person with undead qualities to assist me with the procedures from One Million and One Lifetimes of Horror & Torture, a book that I picked up on an obscure alien planet.

DTV nervously laughs off SSL's comment as a joke. As SSL returns his laughter with smiles, he eases up and feels the interview is going well so far.

DTV : So, those new toaster strudle things, they any good?

SSL : Wouldn't know. I haven't tried them.

DTV : What kind of a computer does an intergalactic sizzling saucer lady like yourself use? Is it a Dell?

SSL : The answer to that question is classified by the Intergalatic Space and Saucer Ministry.

DTV : Did you abduct Steven, the "Dude, You're Getting a Dell" kid? I haven't seen him lately.

SSL : No. The Dell advertising division decided to change its approach towards selling their computers, and "Steven" didn't fit that approach.

DTV : Am I too sexy for this monk's robe?

SSL : Ugh!

DTV : Whenever I write a script in the Coyote forum, I portray you as Martha Stewart? What are your feelings on this?

SSL : I'm not blonde. I'm not rich. I wouldn't even attempt to be a dye-bottle blonde. Oh, and I'm not evil.

DTV : Did you rat her out on the ImClone stocks?

SSL : No.

DTV : I thought so.

SSL : You can think? Isn't that dangerous? Does your head hurt?

DTV : Let's hear a rant about Plautus and Phaedrae. Come on, let it out.

SSL : No. Neither will I rant about Eagle nor any other annoyances from BPE. Such rants would be neither entertaining nor educational for The OSSLR's Alien Interviews readers.

DTV : Who is the tastier chatter, Flounder or Biscuit Mix?

SSL : I don't eat or taste fellow chatters. That's not an alien thing. It goes against all alien morals.

DTV : Do you consider lizard creatures to be tasty?

SSL : Lizards are our friends. Why would I eat them?

DTV : Do you have some lizard in you?

SSL : Yes.

DTV : Are you anal probing my friends, or is that Coyote?

SSL : I do no probing of any kind. I have no idea if Coyote is a prober or not.

DTV : I am hungry, when it is time to feed your pet leech?

OSSLR Note: According to the BPE Regs : Sh** List, run by the OSSLR, Draco The Vampyre is Sizzling Saucer Lady's Disobedient Pet Leech.

SSL : You eat all the popcorn and now you want to be fed?

Sizzling Saucer Lady and Draco The Vampyre stare off for several minutes. Draco reaches for the empty bag of popcorn to throw at the alien lady, Sizzling Saucer Lady uses her mysterious Alien powers to punish the Vampyre in unmentionable ways. Days later Draco the Vampyre will be found in a dark alley by his friend Link with no memory of the punishment but the absolute fear of ever again doing wrong to aliens remains.

OSSLR's Final Comments: When the undead start interviewing creatures from other worlds, is it a sign that Earth is doomed?


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Interviews: Flounder | Awwa | Glupy | Meteor | Biscuit_Mix | Coyote | Draco

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Formated Jul 24, 2003