Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from pitdog, wierdofromafar, SailorShipper, Lassievorc, and Sailoraeryn. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*John, do you know what time it is?*
*Yes Harv, hurry up though, I got lot’s to do.*
*What can you possibly have to do that can’t wait an arn, I mean an hour? You have even less to do than when we were on Elack, ALONE. At least there you could move around.* I said.
*Things, oh well, I guess it won’t hurt to stop for an hour or so.* John said and then left me alone.
Dear Harvey,
My friends say I look like John Crichton.
Now, I know that I am a stunner, and fill out tight leather jeans like you wouldn't believe, and I do have bedroom blue eyes, and the body of a young adonis.
Dear Harvey, should I start calling myself Commnader Crichton around my friends, is that too showy? Or should I just change my name to Ben?
Signed-
not signed because I am too busy looking in the mirror.
Dear Narcissis,
I wouldn’t get too carried away if I were you. After all, John Crichton is quite ordinary looking for a *what was it he called himself? Oh yes, I remember* white boy. Let’s face it not everyone can look like me. I must say, I cut a really striking figure, especially at the beach.
As far as what you call yourself among your friends, which is entirely up to you. That is, how much derision can you take, you hunka-hunka- hunk of white meat? If you do start to call yourself Commander Crichton or Ben, or anything else that is copyrighted by DK & Co., be warned; wear a disclaimer printed boldly across your chest and butt.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
About 2 months ago I somehow got a hold of this weird bracelet. At first, I thought it was just another piece of costume jewelry until all this weird stuff happened. Apparently, the bracelet is actually a magical weapon that can turn into a sword and gives me all these creepy visions. Now, if I had any sense I would dump the darn thing but it's been kind of useful in my job as a cop. There are other people who want the darn thing as well, including this weird billionaire and his minion (kind of hot in a mysterious stalker way), who simply won't leave me alone. Harvey, this thing is driving me crazy and I'm simply running out of time. I need your advice before I completely go over the edge.
Detective Sara Pezzini
Dear Detective Pezzini,
Before I begin my response, I must tell you that your name is quite lovely. Pezzini has always been one of my favorite names.
First, regarding that “hot stalker”; one thing I’ve learned is that you must strike while the iron is hot. If you are really attracted to the minion, then take him. I’m sure it will all work out in the end. I have seen John let too many opportunities slip through his fingers only to later regret that he took no action. Don’t let that happen to you. Make your feelings known to this stalker. I’m sure he’ll understand. You will either get it out of your system, or the two of you will become an item.
Now, about the bracelet: if it gives you so many advantages why are you dithering about holding onto it at all? It seems to me that having these magical weapons and the visions will not only help you as a cop, but will ultimately be beneficial in your personal life as well. It might even help you snag that hot stalker you currently desire.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
It is a conspiracy I tell you. The technology of this world is out to get me. Not only do computers almost never work for me, but just this weekend I was trying to record my favorite show and the VCR ate the tape. This tape also happened to have the last episode of X-files on it! What should I do to protect myself from the evil of computers and VCR’s?
SailorShipper
defender of soul mates
Dear defender of soul mates,
You say you are a defender of soul mates, do you not? What then are VCR’s and computers if not soul mates? That being the case, you should stop your whining and let them do what is best.
What is more important, happiness of a soul mate or the last episode of X-files? Besides, generally when something is X’d, it means it’s to be deleted. It sounds like your VCR simply anticipated your wish, and saved you the trouble of deleting it yourself. You should be thanking you VCR, not complaining about it.
Now that I’ve thought it through some more, I suspect that your computer and VCR (the soul mates) are only trying to act in your best interest. I suggest you apologize to them, and be grateful for their actions.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have some serious concerns for your well-being! I specifically worry because of your great popularity with the Scapers, myself included! In your brief appearance during "Lava's a Many-Splendored Thing," John seemed very impolite and dismissive to you! I sincerely doubt that you are the cause of his headache, and find his attitude disturbing. You must know there are "evil" powers who factor into your existence, and I'm afraid something bad will happen to you. John's reunion with Aeryn is imminent, and we know she doesn't like you. Maybe you need to lay low and hide for a while. Maybe you need to try and make a friend out of Aeryn (when she's feeling better). Please take appropriate precautions, dangerous times are ahead!
Sincerely,
A Devoted fan
Dear Devoted fan,
Thank you so much for this letter. I didn’t know anyone cared so much. I will indeed take your concerns to virtual heart.
But, you have to know that John and I have come to a meeting of the minds. He knows that there but for the grace of Harvey he would have died many, many times over, and all would be horrible deaths too.
Again, I appreciate your concern and I am touched that you care, but rest assured, John and I have come to this understanding, and I’m sure he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.
______________________________
*Oh John! I didn’t see you. When did you get back?*
*Uh, are you done? I have something I wanted to ask you.* John said.
*Yeah, go ahead, I was just wrapping things up.*
*Hey I see another e-mail. Are you hiding something from me? Harv, you shouldn’t hide things from your best bud!*
*Only bud, you mean. Look John, you get to go out. I don’t!*
*Let me see it.* John demanded.
I handed John this last e-mail.
Dear Harvey,
Remember me, the girl on the beach. You remember we met there, you were talking to your friend, I had just gotten out of the water, You were wearing that fantastic shirt...Anyway I just want to know why you have not called at all. I thought we hit it off nicely, we had so much in common. I tried calling you but I just get a message that the number is not in service. When I ask the operator about it, she says that the number was from a command carrier that imploded on it self and that there was not another number with which you could be reach. Can you believe that dren. First of all, Command carriers don't just implode and secondly, its not even a good lie so it has to be a fake story. If you did not want to go out with me, you should have just told me.
Signed very confused
*You got a girl friend!* John stared at me in amazement.
*A lot of good it does me* I was sorry for being so sarcastic, but John asked for it.
*What do you mean, Harv?* John asked, looking real innocent, but I knew better.
*Sigh, John, how am I going to make this happen. She is a very attractive young woman, and I know is someone who I would really hit it off with. But you don’t let me get out.* I know I was whining, but really...
*Now, now, Harvey. We’ll think of something. Just hang in there. I’m rootin’ for you, ya know.* John had wrapped his arm around my virtual shoulder. It was a very nice gesture.
*But when? What do you have in mind?* I asked.
*I’m not sure. Please believe that I’ll do the best I can. You have saved me from absolute boredom on Elack, and not to mention my ‘eema, so I’ll think of something. Send her a private note, apologizing for not getting back to her sooner. And I’ll vouch for the imploding command carrier, I promise.*
*Thanks! Uh, what did you want to ask me?*
*Oh yes! Uh, listen, we think we’ve found Aeryn, and she is not... *
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