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1st Grade Proverbs Little Children Comments
SAT Questions Essays Toddlers' Law of Ownership

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. As you shall make your bed so shall you...mess it up.

Better be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the...bug is close.

It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a...Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new...math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the...pigs.

An idle mind is...the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's...pollution.

Happy the bride who...gets all the presents.

A penny saved is...not much.

Two's company, three's...the musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way.

Little children comments

A kindergarten boy told his teacher that he had found a cat. She asked if it was alive or dead, dead the little boy told her. She asked how he knew it was dead, and he said, "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." "You did WHAT?" The tacher said in surprise. "You know, I leaned over and went PSSST, and it didn't move." Explained the boy.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad!" "What?" "Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No, you had your chance, lights out!" Five minutes later..."Da-ad"... "What!" "I'm THIRSTY can I have a drink of water??" "I told you no, if you ask again I'll have to come in and spank you!" Five minutes later..."Da-aaaad!" "WHAT!?" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a glass of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over, and said, "Well, I'll run in and out, in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer night, during a violent thunderstorma mother was tucking her son into bed. As she was just about to turn the lights out, her son asked in a shaky voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?" She smiled and gave him a hug, and told him, "I can't, I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

It came time during a Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a very pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress, is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my mom says its a bitch to iron."

A six-month pregnant mother was getting ready to get into the shower when her three-year-old came into the room and said to her,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" She said, "Yes honey, remember, mommy has a baby in her tummy." The little girl said, "Yes, well what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy sat in his room doing his math homework. He was saying to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven, three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and was horrified! "What ARE you doing!?" She asked him. "I'm doing my math homework mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" His mother asked. "Yes." Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher said, "Right now we are learning addition." The mother asked, "Are you teaching them to say,'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four'?" The teacher started laughing and replied, "No! I'm teaching them to say, 'Two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four'!"

A first grade teacher was reading to her class the story of chicken little. She got to the part where chicken little was trying to warn the farmer. She read, "...and chicken little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'" he teacher paused and asked her class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" A little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy shit, a talking chicken!'"

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"Several years ago, I [name withheld] returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, 'please don't sleep with Mom that night.'

"They said 'OK.'

"After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my four-year-old son saw me and came running, shouting, 'Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!'

"As I waved back, I said loudly, 'What's the good news?'

"'Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!' he shouted.

"The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at him, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was."

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"An acquaintance of mine [name withheld] who is a physician told this story about her four-year-old daughter.

"On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend. 'My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

"Then the child spoke into the instrument: 'Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?'"

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"A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, 'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

"Her mother told her this was wrong and that she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

"The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

"She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'"

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"A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

"Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys. They're too rough.'

"The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'"

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"A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages.

"'Momma look what I found,' the boy yelled out.

"'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked.

"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'It's Adam's suit!'"

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"When I [name withheld] was a very little boy, my mother referred to my private parts as my 'business' when she gave me my baths in the tub. Then one day I accompanied my mother to the bank. I waited near the table where customers filled out their deposit slips while my mother went to the teller's window. While I was waiting, one man walked up to another near where I was standing. They greeted each other, and then the first man said to the other, 'How's your business?'

"I was so shocked by the man's seemingly rude question that I still remember it after nearly sixty years."

Sat Q's from Arkansas

These questions were given to 16 year-olds in Arkansas...these were their answers...

Q: Name the 4 seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists?

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow tword the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important, sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death

Q: How can you keep milk from turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into 3 parts, the branium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section".
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus, what is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs

Student Essays

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and their ship was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. The reclining years and finally, the end of her life were examplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Toddlers' Law of Ownership

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
If it . . .