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Flight Crew Stories Dumb Travellers

1.Soon after the opening of Chicago's O'Hare airport, a plane was boarded, left the gate and began taxiing down the runway. The plane continued to taxi around for an extended period of time. A flight attendant finally announced on the PA system, "Ladies and gentlemen, as soon as we find a gas station, our pilot will buy a roadmap and continue to taxi to Des Moines."

2."Thank you for flying Delta Buisness Express, we hpoed you enjoyed giving us the buisness as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

3.After a rough landing during a thunderstorm in Memphis, a flight attendant announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead comartments, because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted!"

4.Flight attendant: "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works the same as a normal seat belt, and if you can't operate one of those, you shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

5."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will fall from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face, then assist any small children you have second. If you have more than one small child, pick your favorite."

6."In case of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device, in case of an emergency water landing, paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

7."In case of pressure loss, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, put your's on first before assisting children, or other adults acting like children."

8.After a hard landing in Salt Lake City:"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you that it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants's fault, it was the asphalt!"

9.After a REALLY hard landing, it is the airline policy for a captain to stand at the door and say goodbye to the passengers himself. The pilot of a plane that smacked the runway really hard was doing just this as the passengers got off. It was hard to look at them because of the bad landing, thinking someone might have a smart comment. Finally, everyone was off but a little old lady. She went up to the pilot and asked him, "Mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot responded, "Why no ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?".(Ouch)

10.After a hard landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt aginst the gate, and once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, please pick your way throught the wreckage to the terminal!"

11.Flight attendant: "We'd like to thank you folks for for flying with us today. And, the next time you get an insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US airways!"

12.A plane took off from Kennedy airport, after it reached its cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom;"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and OH MY GOD!" (Click) Silence followed for a few minutes, until the captain came back on the intercom and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant spilled a hot cup of coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" (A passenger in coach announced,) "Thats nothing! You should see the back of mine!"

Dumb Travellers

"I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window."

"I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa.' Her response ... click."

"A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.'"

"I got a call from a man who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'But they look so close on the map.'"

"Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'"

"A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!"

"A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage."

"A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'"

"I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'"

"A woman called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever.'"

"A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. He said, 'Oh no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.'"

"A woman called to make reservations. 'I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.' The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.' The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The woman said, 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'"