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Doctored Dictionary Fun Foreign Expressions
Incredible Inquiries Amazing Anagrams

The Wahington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.

sarchasm the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it

reintarnation coming back to life as a hillbilly

giraffiti vandalism spray-painted very high

foreploy any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex

inoculatte to take coffee intravenously

osteopornosis a degenerate disease

karmageddon It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

glibido all talk and no action

dopeler effect the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

intaxication euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

ignoranus a person who's both stupid and an asshole

Farcical Foreign Expressions

Winners of a New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

rigor morris The cat is dead.

Que sera serf. Life is feudal.

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. The king is dead. No kidding.

posh mortem Death styles of the rich and famous

Respondez s'il vous plaid. Honk if you're Scottish.

Harlez-vous Francais? Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Idios amigos. We're wild and crazy guys!

Veni, vipi, vici. I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

Cogito eggo sum. I think; therefore I am a waffle.

Pro bozo publico. Support your local clown (or politician, your call).

Felix Navidad. Our cat has a boat.

haste cuisine Fast French food (including, of course, French Fries)

Veni, vidi, vice. I came, I saw, I partied.

quip pro quo A fast retort

Visa la France. Don't leave your chateau without it.

Mazelton. Tons of luck.

Aloha oy. Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

Carne deim. Seize the meat.

Enigmatic English and Intriguing Inquiries

If a spinning ball has english, then will trying to understand English make your head spin? Read on to find out.

(Apologies and credit to comedians George Carlin and/or Steven Wright, if and where due.)

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed, teachers degraded, and baseball players debased?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When a collision almost occurs, why do we say "it was a near miss" instead of "it was a near hit?"

Why do we say "a pair of pants" and "a pair of shorts" but not "a pair of bras?"

If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn't a person who drives a race car called a racist?

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

Why are wise guy and wise man opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, why doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do we get in a car but get on a plane?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Are thirteen witches in a hot tub a self-cleaning coven?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Isn't it just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If Geronimo jumped out of an airplane, what would he say?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a person from the Orient is spun around several times, does that person become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

Amazing Anagrams

These amazing (in some cases astounding) anagrams are from an unknown source who must have had a lot of time on his/her hands.

dormitory
dirty room

evangelist
evil's agent

desperation
a rope ends it

the Morse code
here come dots

slot machines
cash lost in 'em

animosity
is no amity

mother-in-law
woman hitler

snooze alarm
alas, no more Zs

Alec Guiness
genuine class

semolina
is no meal

the public art galleries
large picture halls, I bet

a decimal point
I'm a dot in place

the earthquakes
that queer shake

eleven plus two
twelve plus one

contradiction
accord not in it

President Clinton of the USA
to copulate he finds interns

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet; pins flag on moon. On to Mars!

"To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 't is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"
In one of the bard's best thought of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten