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Rednecks A Redneck Letter Hillbilly Medical Terms

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is.

A Redneck Mother's Letter

Dear son,

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I can't send you the address because the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but I'm still learning how to use it. The first day we were here I put four shirts in it. I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

It rained only twice last week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

About the coat you wanted me to send you, aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl yet so don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your uncle John fell in the whisky vat. Some men pulled him out, but he bravely fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for pretty near three days.

I'm sorry to tell you, but three of your friends went off the bridge in their pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two poor souls drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate open.

Aunt Mable is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now, but I told her that you had grown a foot since she had last seen you, so she said she'll knit another one.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

bacteria the back door to a cafeteria

barium what you do with dead folks

benign what you be after you be eight

Caesarean section a neighborhood in Rome

catscan searching for the cat

cauterize made eye contact with her

colic a sheep dog

coma a punctuation mark

D&C where Washington is

dilate to live longer than your kids do

enema not a friend

fester quicker than someone else

fibula a small lie

G.I. series the World Series of military baseball

hangnail what you hang your coat on

hospital the biggest building in town, other than Billy Bob's feed warehouse or Ernie's lumber mill

impotent distinguished; well known

labor pain getting hurt at work

medical staff a doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake

morbid a higher offer than I bid

nitrates cheaper than day rates

node I knew it

outpatient a person who has fainted

pap smear a fatherhood test

pelvis second cousin to Elvis

post operative a letter carrier

recovery room a place to do upholstery

secretion hiding something

seizure Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean section

tablet a small table to change babies on

terminal illness getting sick at the bus or train station

tumor one more than one more

urine opposite of mine

varicose nearby