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Chalk Drawings Excuses Annoying People Newspaper Headlines
College Q Moving South Mouse Balls Duct Tape The Juice by Seuss

Wow. Just wow. These drawings are amazing and their creator is obviously a master of illusion. Keep in mind that these drawings are FLAT.

Excuses

Dear Teacher: Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.

Dear School: I hope you will excuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Dear Miss Larson: Jack didn't go to school yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Mrs. Smith: Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Dear Mr. Brown: Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

To Mary's Teacher: Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Dear Mr. Anderson: Maryann was absent yesterday because she had a fever and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, and her brother had a fever. I wasn't too well, either. There must be something going around. Her father even got hot last night.

Dear Mr. Thomas: Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

How to Annoy People

Specify that your drive- through order is "to go."
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Sit out on your front lawn with a hair dryer and point it at passing cars.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Newspaper Headlines

1.Police find man dead to death in motel

2.Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

3.Something went wrong in jet crash

4.Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

5.Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

6.Teacher strikes idle kids

7.Drunk gets nine months in violin case

8.Eye drops off shelf

9.Experts say police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

10.Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

11.Study finds sex, pregnancy link

12.Juevenile court to try shooting defendant

13.Two sisters reunited after 18 years at checkout counter

14.If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

15.Cold wave linked to temperatures

16.Deer kill 17,000

17.Miners refuse to work after death

18.Typhoon rips through cemetary, hundreds dead

19.Man struck by lightning faces battery charge

20.New study of obesity looks for larger test group

21.Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy

22.Kids make nutritious snacks

23.Ban on soliciting dead in trotwood

24.Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

25.New vaccine may contain rabies

26.Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors

27.Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over

28.Iraqi head seeks arms

College Entrance Exam

This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college student applying to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.

3A. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear . I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But, I have not yet gone to college.

Instructions for Moving to the South

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Do not buy food at the movie store.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those whodo. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

Replacing (Computer) Mouse Balls

This story is true, and was on a notice to people in an office. The man was assumedly serious.

"Mouse balls are now available as an FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ball by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction." "Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items."

Duct Tape Removes Warts

The following is an actual excerpt from TIME MAGAZINE.

WARTS AND ALL

A study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found duct tape removed warts more effectively and less painfully than liquid nitrogen.

Is that as in the stick and rip method!? o.0

The Juice by Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for one year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!

A year! A year! Just sitting here!
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you hit her from above.
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

The glove you see it doesn't fit
The lawyer says you must acquit
Acquit because the cops all lied
Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried

The jury came back verdict in hand
and silence fell across the land
Not guilty, not guilty they did decree
Not guilty, not guilty, you must set him free

And now I am free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Now would you please return my glove!!