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"Any persons, (Except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed"

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"Megaflicks, (The "L" and "I" are so close in the sign it looks like Megaf**ks)"

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"Speed bump ahead, vision and hearing impaired pedestrians"

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"The most powerful position is on your knees"

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"Now hiring all sh**s"

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"Eat here and get gas!"

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"Hillary special, two fat thighs with small breast and a left wing!"

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"Drop your pants here and you will recieve prompt attention!"

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NOTE:I got these signs in an e-mail, I have no idea where they came from, I do not claim them as mine.

Freakish Signs...

Signs2

In a cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Please remove your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs."

In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken."

In another office: "After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

On a church door: "This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)"

Quicksand warning: "Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council."

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: "Anyone leaving his or her garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of."

In a health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."

In a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car."

At a conference: "For anyone who has children and does not know it, there is a day care on the first floor."

In a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

On a leaflet: "If you can not read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."

On a repair shop door: "(Please knock hard on the door. The bell does not work.)"

In a loo in a London office block: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of another plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new clothes at no charge, close the store, and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Ads

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Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Product Labels

In a guitar lesson book: "This lesson starts with the middle finger."

In instructions for assembling an Ikea desk: "It is advisory to be two people during assembly."

Slogan in a glossy brochure for the American Standard "Cadet II" model commode: "Get more out of your toilet."

On a Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down." (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."

On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

Cubeicle Signs

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.