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A Few Thoughts Good Advice Zen Thoughts Oxymoronic Thoughts

(From the minds of comedians Steven Wright and/or George Carlin. We're not sure who is responsible for which thought.)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 for a little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards (naive).
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they deliver the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Good Advice

Never trust a psychic who asks you your name.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of THAT comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Zen Thoughts

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you get lost in thought, it's probably because it's unfamiliar territory. If you have an open mind, keep your chin up, or your brains may fall out.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If you drive way too fast, you don't need to worry about cholesterol.
If you don't repair worn brakes, you'll need to make your horn louder.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Oxymoronic Notions

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

9. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

10. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

11. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

12. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

14. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

15. How come abbreviated is such a long word?