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Is this your Company? The Genesis of a Project
Office Jargon Company Mergers Duel of the Dilberts
Idiots in Action Employee Recommendations Employee Evaluations

Heres' a picture to start you off in my technology stories section:

(Pic on SwiftTechSoftware.com)

The Genesis of a Project

In the beginning there was the project.
And with the project there was a plan and a specification.
But the plan was without form, and the specification was void.
Thus the darkness was on the face of the implementers thereof.
The implementers therefore spake unto their supervisor.
"This is a crock of sh*t and we can not abide the stink which abounds."
And the supervisor spake unto the department manager.
"This is a crock of excrement and we can not abide the odor which abounds."
And the department manager spake unto the director.
"This is a vessel of excrement and the odor is very offensive."
And the director spake unto the division vice president.
"This vessel is full of that which makes things grow, and its characteristics are very strong."
And the vice president spake unto the CEO.
"This vessel promotes growth of the division, and it is very powerful."
And the CEO looked at the project and saw that it was good.

Office Jargon in the Internet Age

404 someone who is clueless (from the World Wide Web error message "404 Object Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't be located), as in "Don't bother asking him, he's 404."

batmobiling putting up emotional shields in the same way Batman's vehicle is covered by retracting armor, as in "She started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

beepilepsy afflicts those with vibrating pagers and is characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions, and loss of speech

betamaxed when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better-marketed competition, as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market."

blamestorming sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

blowing your buffer losing your train of thought; also known as a "head crash"

body Nazis hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively

chainsaw consultant an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

cube farm an office filled with cubicles

ego surfing scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name

Elvis year the peak year of something's popularity (Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993)

generica fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions, as in "We were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was."

idea hamsters people who always seem to have their idea generators running

irritainment annoying programming you can't stop watching, such as the O.J. Simpson trial

mouse potato the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato

ohnosecond that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake

percussive maintenance the fine art of whacking a device to get it working

prairie dogging when something loud happens in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOM acronym for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

square-headed girlfriend a computer

stress puppy a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny

tourists those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs, as in "We had three serious students in the class. The rest were tourists."

treeware computer manuals and documentation

umfriend a sexual relationship, as in "This is Terry, my ... um ... friend."

uninstalled euphemism for being fired

Xerox subsidy euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace

yuppie food coupons twenty-dollar bills from an ATM

Money Making Mergers

Watch for these consolidations in the coming months, invest early, and make yourself a bundle.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become Polly Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.

Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge to become ZipAudiDoDa.

Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!

Duel of the Dilberts

The top 12 finalists from a magazine's contest for examples of managerial "Dilbertness"

12. "As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences, I mentioned the 'pedagogical approach' (a teacher who gives too much attention to formal rules and is not interesting) used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the Executive Committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she said she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo with her demand that I be fired--and the word 'pedagogical' circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry--he would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper."

--From a former director of communications, Taco Bell Corporation

11. "One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He replied, 'If I'd wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'"

--From the new business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards

10. "We recently received a memo from senior management which said: 'This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.'"

--From Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

--From a switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

8. "My sister passed away, and her funeral was scheduled for the following Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'"

--From a shipping executive, FTD Florists

7. "Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'"

--From a marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

6. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claimed the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."

--From the CIO of Dell Computers

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

--From an R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing (3M) Corp.

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

--From an advertising/marketing manager, United Parcel Service

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used ONLY for company business."

--From an accounting manager at the Electric Boat company

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will enounter."

--From Lykes Lines Shipping

And the winning example of "Dilbertness"...

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

--From Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp., Redmond, WA

Idiots in Action

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: (Jim Gray) This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Recommendations for Fired Employees

Ever wonder what to say when someone calls to ask what you think about a former employee who was fired? Here are some suggestions:

For the chronically absent: "A man like him is hard to find," or, "It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk: "We generally found him loaded with work to do."

For an employee with no ambition: "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

For an intellectually deficient employee: "There is nothing you can teach a man like him," or, "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest emplyee: "Her true ability was deceiving."

Employee evaluations

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.-

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.