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The Pilsbury Doughboy Obituary Math in California
To Women From A Man In the Beginning... Camp Letter
A Bill Gates Parable Another Bill Gates Parable

Veteran Pillsbury doughboy Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrites turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee,and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

As taught in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

As taught in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

As taught in 1970: A logger exchanges a set, L, of lumber for a set, M, of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set, P, of profits?

As taught in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

As taught in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

As taught today: A logger sold a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production was $120. How did Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin was $60?

As it will be taught in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es ....

To Women Everywhere from a Man Who's Had Enough

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair--ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Do NOT expect us to act like they are.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. Also, shopping is not fun, and we will never think of it that way either.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

And don't say "we" need to do something when there is no way you can do it. We're not fooled. We know it's just another honeydew (honey, do this; honey do that). Just ask us to do it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty would look good with your dress?

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners (unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the @#$% they're saying anyway).

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know I really don't mind that? It's like camping out, only more comfortable.

In the Beginning...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

A Letter from Camp

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas can on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything.

We are fine.

Love,

Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

A Bill Gates Parable

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. In your case I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.

"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make your decision," God replied.

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear water and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLYwant to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God. "As you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, God found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill answered in a voice filled with anguish and disappointment. "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"That was the demo," replied God.

Another Bill Gates Parable

God was looking down on Earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on Earth to tell them. God decided to summon Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates.

God met with them and told them unless they could make the world a perfect place in three days, he was going to kill everyone.

Boris Yeltsin went back and spoke to the Russian people. He said, "I have bad news. There is a God, and he will kill us all in three days if we don't make the world perfect."

Bill Clinton went back and spoke to the American people. He said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he will kill us all in three days unless we make the world perfect."

Bill Gates went back and spoke to all his Microsoft employees. He said, "I have good news. God thinks I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and we don't have to worry about the Justice Department."