Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Sailoraeryn, Reefrunner, Peacekeeperchuck, NeuralClone, and Lassievorc. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
*John Crichton is the finest creature in this Universe!* I brushed a virtual tear from my cheek as I contemplated his latest gesture. I didn’t have to prompt him this time, he ceded his brain to me willingly.
*I wonder why. Well, I can’t waste any time now, who knows how long it will last.*
Dear Harvey,
This has been on my mind for a while now. I've asked the girls, but all they do is laugh at me. I've asked Big D, But he just growls at me and tells me to leave or he'll blast my eema across Moya. I've even asked a long time enemy and got shot at (well I was expecting he'd do that). So I don't know who else to ask, so I'm asking you:
Does my ass look big in these pants?
It's really important to me. Just as important as whether or not to wear my Black Tee or my Green Tee. Aeryn is coming back and I want everything to be perfect.
Fashionably challenged
John Crichton.
*Why! That SNEAK! Why didn’t he just ask me? I’ll have to have a heart-to-heart with him soon.
Dear Friend and Confidant,
John, you should have just asked me directly! However, as you have done it in this format, I will reply likewise.
Yes, your ass does look big in those tight leather pants. It looks like you’ve painted the pants on for Cholaks sake. I mean, could you be any more obvious? You’ve been prancing around in those exceedingly tight leather pants for over two years (John’s terminology, a year is roughly equivalent to a cycle) and now you are worried about what kind of statement you are making? I would have worried more about other things, heat isn’t the only thing bad for... well, you get the picture. And don’t you ever get bored with that black tee? Isn’t variety supposed to be the spice of life? I don’t thing green’s your color, but surely there are other colors that will look fashionable such as ecru or light blue (to emphasize your eyes). With all the colors available, how is it you only have black tees?
Here’s a suggestion, you know that Stark left some of his clothes behind, and they are all loose fitting. Why don’t you “borrow” them until you can get to a commerce planet and buy some clothes that are more fitting for a man of science, like a tweed jacket, loose fitting pants, white shirt, maybe a plastic pocket protector so you don’t get marks over your shirt from your writing implement.
I believe that better fits the image you have shown me images of men of science from Earth. And image is everything. You want to show Aeryn that you have changed from the hardened fighter back to a man of science, the man she first saw. Also, you want to distance yourself from the other John, so that you no longer remind her of him. That’s it! Wear Stark’s baggy clothes to start, and then buy a whole new wardrobe and start looking like someone else. This is sure to win Aeryn back.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
Do you have any advice for getting Luxan vomit off leather?
signed,
Gloveless in the UT
Dear Gloveless,
I didn’t know anyone could up-chuck that much and still walk!
Quit your complaining. I saw you nibble the vomit. What’s wrong with a bit here and there sticking to you gloves?
But if you really insist on getting it off the gloves, burning it off is about the only thing that will work. And the best instrument to use to burn it off is a little bit of the lava. You will have to ask D’Argo to turn around immediately so you can get a supply of lava to burn the vomit off. Don’t even think of dipping them into Moya’s amnexus fluids when you finally unite with her, I know for a fact that she’ll have none of it.
______________________________
*Oooh, oooh, oooh! My friend, the Dentic has written again. I can’t wait to see how he is doing with his personal “mark”.*
Dear Harvey,
First off, I am glad to see that you're doing better now. You really had me worried there for awhile.
As for my mark, well I really don't know where to begin....
The Fourth of July is such a wonderful holiday here in the United States. It's a time to come together and celebrate the birthday of our country by blowing things up! Backyard BBQ's with the family, beer, fireworks, and more beer.
My 'mark' had all his kinfolk over and everything was going great. Great that is until it was time for the fireworks.
Fireworks and alcohol can get you into a lot of trouble.
Alcohol and *cough* Semtex can, well.....
My plan was perfect on paper too! At least I thought it was because it's kind of fuzzy now. The doctor says I should be feeling better in a few days. Having a concussion is a major pain in the a$$!
As for my mark and his family.... they're still scraping the remains off the cement.
All good things must come to a end.
Oops,
The Dentic
P.S. While being John's personal dentic does sound *very* interesting, it's not very practical. Have you heard of AOL's free instant messenger service? It might be the perfect way for you to keep me close at hand. (If, you still want to keep me close at hand. Do to my recent misfortune, I'll understand if you would want to end our relationship)
*Gasp!*
Dearest Dentic!
What kind of friend do you think I am? I would never abandon you in your arn of need!. Unfortunately, here in the UT, we are not able to get AIM, so I’m afraid we will have to remain e-mail pals.
I’m relieved and happy to hear that you have recovered. You can always get another mark, I need you to remain intact and healthy! Stay away from these misguided and idiotic parties. I have to admit that I was a tad jealous of your good fortune and fun time, until everything went to hezmanna and back.
So has your recently departed, and already missed Mark have a wife or sister or other close friend that you can adjust to? Or what about the Doctor? And since you were so close to him, and a trusted member of the family (they paid for your hospital stay, yes?), cultivation of a new and equally rewarding mark may be the very thing the doctor ordered. (Again, what about the doctor?)
Take a few microts to grieve, and select your new mark. I want a progress report ASAP (another one of John’s quaint sayings, it means “as soon as possible”).
I remain, always
Your Friend, Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My Associates would like to know: what do YOU want?
Mr Morden
Babylon 5
Dear Mr. Morden,
What kind of scam are you running, buster? It looks to me like you are trying to horn in on my fledgling advice column.
You would do much better for yourself and your associates if you would stop putting your mouth where it doesn’t belong.
If I have the slightest suspicion that you are trying to take over this column, I’ll sue! Tell that to your associates. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be asking this ridiculous question in their name! I would be very surprised if you wouldn’t be in for some rather severe disciplinary action by your associates when they get wind of what you are doing.
______________________________
*What temerity! How dare he? How did he know? I want my own body. I suppose I should be grateful, With the exception of a lapse every now and then, John has been much better than he was in the beginning. Still, I should be careful, I know Aeryn is none too pleased about my presence. And if John has to make a choice... well... *
*John, do you want to take over now?.* I asked.
*Huh? Harvey, you can’t be finished. I see you still have one more e-mail to answer.*
*Who am I trying to kid, John? I’ll never be able to really answer this e-mail. It’s just like the one last week. See!*
Dear Harvey,
If I may call you that... Your hunky friend gave me this address. I saw you jogging with him on the beach the other day and you certainly cut a dashing figure! Would you like to meet me for a snow cone in the shade or maybe a chat at the cyber-cafe just off the beach? I'd love to get to know you!
Fondly,
Yellow daisy bathing suit"
*How many girl friends do you have?* John asked.
*None, How can I? I’m stuck here. Not that I mind, I’m grateful for our existence, and will do anything to protect it. But, I get lonely sometimes. You know how it is. You’ve been there, only you can do something about it. I can’t.* I hated myself for sniveling so much, but this is how I feel. And I am grateful.
*I know, I know. But I promised I would do something, and I’ll keep my promise.* John said.
*Yes, I believe you, John, but when, and what?.*
*I don’t know, Harv. Hang in there, and send “Daisy” an answer, she’s waiting*. John said.
Dear Yellow Daisy,
Thank you for the invitation, but I cannot meet with you at this point in time. I will keep your number and get in touch as soon as I am able, but I don’t know when that will be.
I’m not trying to brush you off, but for your own good, don’t hold your breath, It could be quite a while.
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