|
Reasons
To Be A Single Man:
Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with
"those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day
of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat
*************************************************************************
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there
was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed
a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with
some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
was directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
*******************************************************************
THE NINE MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
1.. THE DOCTOR because he says "Take off your clothes"
2.. THE DENTIST because he says "Open wide"
3.. THE HAIRDRESSER because he says "Do you want it
teased or blown?"
4.. THE MILKMAN because he says "Do you want it in
the front or the back?"
5.. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says "Once it's
in you'lllove it"
6. THE STOCKBROKER because he says "It will rise right
up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again
7.. THE BANKER because he says "If you take it out too soon,you'll
lose interest"
8.. THE HUNTER because he "Goes deep into the bush,
shoots twice and always eats what he shoots"
9.. THE TELECOM ENGINEER because he says "Would you
like it on the table or against the wall?"
*******************************************************************
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS Male: Do you want to
dance? Female: No. Male: I think you misheard me, I said, you look fat
in those pants. Male: Your place or mine? Female: Both. You go to yours,
I'll go to mine Male: That's OK 'cos once I've finished fucking you in
the backseat of my car, I don't give a shit where you go. Male: Is this
seat empty? Female: Yes and this one will be too if you sit down. Male:
Yeah I know 'cos you're gonna be on your knees sucking my fucken cock.
Male: Have I seen you somewhere before? Female: Yeah, that's why I don't
go there anymore. Male: Really? I heard it was because everyone there
thinks you're a fat slut. Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy. Female:
If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. Male: Thats fine as long as you're
still slightly warm when I shove it up your ass. Male: How do you like
your eggs in the morning? Female: Unfertilised. Male: That's OK. I can
easily blow my load on your face.
*****************************************************************
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care,
open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those
sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are
sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask
and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
************************************************************************
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the fucking dark for
THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've
been in the SAME FUCKING CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if
they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER
the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change
the STUPID fucking light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FUCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE FUCKING GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
************************************************************************
Men who have had enough If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't
ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on
the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
******************************************************
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has
a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we
both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'...........
so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted
to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally
said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"
*******************************************************************
This one is for the guys MEN"S REVENGE!!!
There's been tons of Men Bashing jokes, so in the interest of fair play...
Q. Why did God give man a penis?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your Dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a
pitbull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman & a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives
women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian
Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
(and finally my personal favorite)
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
*******************************************************************
"Great Reasons To Be A Guy"
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
*******************************************************************
"If women ruled the world"
Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.
They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
*******************************************************************
Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing
off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your
own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy..
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker
can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will
actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint
X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a
tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls
are just for decoration.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't
have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A:
The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium,
eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind..
*****************************************************************
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine: "House" in French, is feminine - "la maison".
Pencil", in French, is masculine - "le crayon".
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is Computer?" The teacher
didn't know and the word was not in her French dictionary. Therefore,
for fun split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether Computer should be a masculine or feminine
noun.
The boy's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your salary on accessories for it.
******************************************************************
25 things you WONT hear your girlfriend say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't
blame you for
ignoring me.
2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want
you
right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos
again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter, Tracy.
8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office used to be a stripper,
invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and
missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass!
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex-girlfriend has
class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what
a
wonderful Valentines Day present, thanks "Poopy".
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then
you don't
have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job, How big do you want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round
for
you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change
it
again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and
morning breath. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big
silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sports
center.
*******************************************************************
Be sure to stick around for the prayer at the end.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand:
Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. (Or should
I say more?)
The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
Crying can be fun.
FAT CLOTHES.
A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced
lunch.
Discovering a Liz Claiborne clearance rack can be considered
a peak life experience.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
OTHER WOMEN!
(Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have
as friends)
*******************************************************************
A Woman's Prayer DEAR LORD:
SO FAR TODAY, I AM DOING ALL RIGHT. I HAVE NOT GOSSIPED, LOST MY TEMPER,
BEEN GREEDY, GRUMPY, NASTY, SELFISH OR SELF INDULGENT.
I HAVE NOT WHINED, CURSED OR EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE.
HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WILL NEED
A LOT MORE HELP AFTER THAT.
AMEN.
*******************************************************************
|