Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

*******************************************************************

Book vs Sex

You can usually find someone to do it with.

If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

A little coffee and you can do it all night.

If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

*******************************************************************

Austin power's pick up lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
Are those real?
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck
itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I
bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like
pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.
************************************************************************

John invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

************************************************************************

The fishing trip There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 the next morning. They went down to the river at 6 a.m. the next day and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down?" Being nice, he wanted to let her decide. The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped the man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced. That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed. At 6 the next morning, They got to the river. "Up or Down" the hopeful man asked. "Down"
the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or Down" the man asked. "Up" the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex, what's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'"

************************************************************************

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought this would be great gag gift, and what if it's true, no more blowjobs for her. She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed off.
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."
**********************************************************************

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
Nike Condoms: Just do it Toyota Condoms: Oh What a feeling Ford Condoms: The ride of your life Microsoft condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good M&M's condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands Duracell condoms: Keep going and going and going Pringles condoms: Once you pop you can't stop Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit Hyundai condoms: All day, every day Tip Top condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic condoms: Even more than you expected VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now Swan Lager condoms: They said you'd never make it...
Vegemite condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe condoms: It brings you together Quicken condoms: Quicken. Easy Add dome more....
Telstra condoms: Welcome Back The following brands would probably not sell very well...
AFL Condoms: I'd like to see that Goodyear condoms: If it only saves you once a year...
Samboy condoms: The flavour really hits you RTA condoms: Speed kills Nobby's condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts Bolle condoms: Put them on your face Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm Aussie Homeloan condoms: We'll save you

*****************************************************************
The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand.........."
"Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
***************************************************************

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next
door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the
backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of
breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible,
hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.
Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are.
would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife
appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the
for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step
inside.
"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my
wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects
of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded
rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several
minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!"
he growled.
"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
*******************************************************************

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out
the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing know?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the
first place."
*******************************************************************
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get
two tattoos.
The artist says, "Sure."
She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her
right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus,
and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."
Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after
he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she
was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
*******************************************************************

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit,she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

*******************************************************************

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse,""blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course, the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too."
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

*******************************************************************

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, the lady asks the sales clerk "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

*******************************************************************
The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!!! NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen! HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
********************************************************************

An escaped prisoner, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants.
If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do or don't. Don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on this. After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years & he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept Vaseline in the bathroom......I said Yes"
"Be strong darling and I love you."

*******************************************************************

Banana Cake Recipe Ingredients
2x Laughing Eyes
2x Well shaped legs
2x Loving arms
2x Firm Milk Containers
1x Fur lined mixing bowl
1x Firm banana
2x Round nuts Method Looking into laughing eyes, spread well shaped legs slowly, squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, (check frequently with finger) Meanwhile ensure loving arms are attached to banana. Add firm banana to fir lined mixing bowl gently, work in and out until well creamed, for best results continue to knead milk containers. As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl and cover with nuts, sigh with relief and let soak, (preferably not over night). Cake is cooked when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften repeat method or change mixing bowl. If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully, before and after cooking. Note: Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens. If cake rises, leave town as soon as possible!!!

*******************************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off"

*******************************************************************

This ones for you 'Puddles' There were these three ducks who lived on this peaceful pond. They got into trouble one day and were sent to the duck who was in charge of the pond, whose name was Bill.

The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the ground.
Bill asked, "What's your name?" The little duck replied, "Duck." "Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond,"
answered Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules.
You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away.

The second duck approached Bill. Bill asked this duck, "What's your name?" The little duck replied, "Duck Duck." "Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill again. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules.
You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away.

Now Bill, was getting annoyed and thought he had discovered a pattern.
When the third little duck waddled up to him Bill said, "Now, let me guess. You're Duck Duck Duck?"

"Nope" replied the little duck. "I'm Bubbles."

*******************************************************************

Mark decided to propose to Juanita. But before she could accept, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts with the same maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said ...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said: "Yes, I would marry you and learn to live with your infant-size penis."

Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.
Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing & holding one another ...

As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" she screamed.

Mark replied calmly: "Yes it is ..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 19 inches long!!"

*******************************************************************

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"Whatabout this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broadminded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying,she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "F---me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home "Well f--- me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients.
How ya doin', Dave?"

*******************************************************************

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their
5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days.... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

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A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House." Mom was puzzled at first, but then to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mom took out latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted...
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!"

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