bathroom On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.

*******************************************************************

Subject: Am I A Bad American?
* I like big cars, big boats, big houses, big guns and big boobs.
* I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some middle-aged governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts spitting out babies.
* I don't care about appearing compassionate.
* I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
* I don't think playing with toy guns makes you a killer.
* I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
* I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount when needed.
* I think I'm doing better than the homeless.
* I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird or make me angry.
* I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As a matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My father and grandfather shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the country where you were born in order to come and disrespect ours.
* I think the cops have every right to shoot you if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word freeze or stop in English, See the previous paragraph.
* I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
* I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it.
* If I received oral sex from one of my subordinate employees in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would have been FIRED immediately and my wife would be gone by the time I got home.
* I know what the definition of lying is.
* I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you qualify for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans etc., so you can open a hotel, c-store, trinket shop or any thing else.
* I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
* I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
* I don't believe any one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that garbage from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But, then again, I respect your right to.
* I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more enlightenment on what is and what isn't filth than those who are working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box.
* I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words like lite or fat-free on the package.
* We did not go to some foreign country and risk lives in vain to defend our constitution so that decades later you can tell us it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation.
* I don't hate the rich.
* I don't pity the poor.
* I know professional wrestling is fake.
* I've never owned or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either.
* I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel biker with an attitude and a chain.
* I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime then you should serve the time. A rubber band and a paper clip can put your eye out if it's in the hands of someone with malicious intent.
* I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you angry, you invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
* We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
* I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say
* I am sick to death of "Political Correctness."
* I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
* I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yet, I guess by their definition, I'm a bad American. Thank you, I don't know if I believe the statement about 48th in power per person statistic.
Pretty funny though......

*******************************************************************

(This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest).
ONLY IN AMERICA A Charlotte, NC man purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the man a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
So what would you decide to do as the insurance company?
Here is what they did.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and $24,000.00 fine.

********************************************************************

TOSSER!!
Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 11:57:37 GMT For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need take it out on someone!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone DON'T know!
Now get this.
Earlier this year I was sitting at my desk making mindless customer calls when I remembered a phone call I had to make to a friend of my girlfriends.
I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Greg Mackie could I please speak to Nicole Davis?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Nicole's correct number and called her. I had accidentally switched the last two digits when I took the number down in my diary.
After I hung up with Nicole, I spotted the wrong number on a post-it note still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a tosser!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and stuck it to my monitor.
Every couple of weeks, when my boss wasn't around, or had a really bad I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!"
It has cheered me up no end.
Later in the year Telstra introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser.
Then in about August I had an idea....
I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of Telstra and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program we have introduced?"
He went, "No!" and then slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial him on 02 9923-4863.
Keep reading it gets better!
Not so long ago an old lady at Chatswood shopping centre really took her time pulling out of a parking spot I was waiting for. I didn't think she ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this white Commodore came flying up the parking isle in wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of the commodore completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure a lot of tossers in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at work sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 02 9923-4863 and yelling, "You're tosser!"
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the white Commodore lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the guy with the white commodore for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 180 Epping Road Nth Ryde. It's a red brick house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When is a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had tossers to call.
Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial tosser #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up.
The tosser said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live Don Hansen?"
"180 Epping Rd Nth Ryde. It's a red brick house and my white commodore's parked out front."
" I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.
Then I called tosser #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, tosser!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
" I'll kick your arse."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!" And I hung Then I picked up the phone and called 000 and asked for the police.
I told them I was at 180 Epping Road Nth Ryde and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.
Another quick call to Channel 9 TCN about the Lebanese gang war going on down Epping Rd Nth Ryde.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 180 Epping Ryde Nth to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two tossers kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 cop cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
*******************************************************************

Things they wish they had never said; Curl Up and Die I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe,
39, Seguin, TX Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of guest.
Kathy Newman,
46,Winston-Salem, NC Ho, Ho, Ho I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins,
31, Ferndale, MI Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let forget.
Faye Emerick,
34, Ellerslie, MD The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia Surprise!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York Priceless One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

************************************************************************

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place."Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,"
she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies........."
<Scroll Down> Wait for it...)

(It's coming.............)

(The suspense is killing you........)

"You just happened to catch my eye."
**************************************************************

Good e-mails are like buses, none for ages then...

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "Up the arse"

(long, long pause)

*******************************************************************

You won't believe this even after you've read it.

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this:
(And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big and an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind - but God, they had to know what she was thinking! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.
It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed, Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan

*******************************************************************

Now for fun:

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in peoples lives.

Fourth Place.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing ! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing thatI heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

Third Place.
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled a "SURPRISE".
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear: PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently mis-understood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system; DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER.

The Winner Is.....
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?". "That's correct" responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "then why doesn't it taste sweet ?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, " It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

*******************************************************************

This is a true story from the Word Perfect HelpLine which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Below is the actual dialogue of the former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)
[telephone rings]
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean wayover?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*&king stupid to own a computer."

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From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the Carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night)
flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Read this, and those of you still searching for that special someone......
Be bloody careful!!!!

Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass. However, when a mate at UCD wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is:

A girl, let's call her Linda, is in Trinity. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness Trinners life has to offer.

Linda, being the computer science undergrad she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her ass off designing computer programs and installing software.

One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line.

Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Paul. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Anne," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for a while, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Linda, as 'Anne,' is on the line with Paul again.

They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week.
At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Linda didn't tell Paul she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.

The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Anne' & Paul had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together.

Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love.

They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Paul told Linda he thought she could be his next wife. Linda was wary at first but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with.

They planned a trip to meet in Galway. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Linda didn't want the hassle of trying to recognise someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room at the Great Southern? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Paul agreed.

Linda showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the receptionist to hold a key for a guest. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music.

She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Paul when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door.

She heard someone walking and around the corner. She whispered, "Paul?" A voice replied, "Anne?", "Yes," she said, so the fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Linda on the bed naked before him.

The next thing were two blood curling screams. Linda covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, "Dad!"

This really happened.

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