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United States of America apologizes to the People's Republic of China for allowing our reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace.
We're sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us.
We're sorry your pilot didn't follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol.
We're sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didn't realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen.
We're sorry your fighter pilot's survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldn't survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance).
We're sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilot's actions.
We're sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft.

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The Plan In the beginning was The Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And The Plan was without substance And darkness was upon the face of the workers An they spoke amongst themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh" And the workers went unto their supervisors and said: "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof" And the supervisors went unto their managers and said: "It is a container of excrement and it is strong, such that none may abide by it" And the managers went unto their senior managers saying: "It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide by its strength" And the senior mangers spoke amongst themselves saying to one another: "It contains that which aids plant growth" And the senior manger went to their directors saying unto them: "It promotes growth and it is very powerful" And the directors went to the managing director saying unto him: "The Plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with powerful effects" An the managing director looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good. And The Plan became Policy
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WHO NEEDS A REASON ..... but anyway
17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates holiday leave because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are plastered.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the pub.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss (or employee) naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting "Bare Bum" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross". Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!! ^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\
|| B u d w e I s e r |_| |
|'""|""\___,_ __.. ||__|__|_| \
([""(@)'(@)"""""**|(@) (@)*****|(@):

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an > effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.

TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You, Human Resources

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New words for 2001 BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located."

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
The United States of Generica.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks

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