WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
The last one is hilarious.

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
The husband still wasn't convinced, he wanted a second opinion, so he visited a doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but remembering his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home, a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can to his ear and count to 10.
Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the same thing as the first doctor, the Alabamian figured the procedure, strange as it seemed, must work.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky and West Virginia.
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If men truly ran the world. . .

1.Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2.Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3.Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5.St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6.Garbage would take itself out.

7.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8.The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9.Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10.Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11.Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14.Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15.Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16.Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17.It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18.Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19.When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22."Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23.At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24.Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25.Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine: "House" in French, is feminine - "la maison".
Pencil", in French, is masculine - "le crayon".
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is Computer?" The teacher didn't know and the word was not in her French dictionary. Therefore, for fun split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether Computer should be a masculine or feminine noun.
The girl's group, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They possess much data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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Relationships Before And After Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

Bodily functions Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

Relations/Friends Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

Sex Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time.
The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall Evaluation
What She Thinks Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that you're full of shit.

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The 10 Things that Men know about Women
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10 They have breasts.

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The Mature Male When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

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This is definitely one for the girls, I've just read through the list and nodded at almost all of it. WOMEN ARE SMART BECAUSE...... We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like and idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

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A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a hand saw.
He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he cant hear, so he decides to try some sign language. To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye, meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need" and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets quite angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and says. "What the f@ck is wrong with you, dumb ass? I said I needed a handsaw! The other guy says "I know that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

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Three guys die together and go to heaven....
St Peter says "We only have one rule... don't step on the ducks"
They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step duck.
The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter the ugliest woman he ever saw...
St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever"
The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together....
The third guy is very careful he goes months without stepping on a duck.
One day St Peter comes with this gorgeous woman... Blonde, Blue eyed...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word....
He remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"?
She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"
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He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what?
------------------------------------------------------------------------ He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.' She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'
------------------------------------------------------------------------ He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart
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