Home

Animals

Baby

Blonde

Dates

For men

For women

Interaction

Interest

Irishman

Work

Kids

Language

Marriage

Medical

Old people

Other

Prison Vs work

Police

Political

Religious

Seasonal

Sex

Short

Statistics and facts

Stores

Comics

Funny Photos

Written Jokes

Sound Files

Screensavers

GIF's

The KILLER!!!

*****************************************************************************

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

*******************************************************************

Straight from down under BASIC MATH Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime Money A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
Future A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Marriage A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Married men lived longer than single men, Married men are a lot more willing to die.
Offsping Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorites, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
Natural Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Argument A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after, well, that's the beginning of a new argument.
Closing Thoughts:
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
An English professor wrote the words, 'a woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: A woman, without her man, is nothing.
The women wrote: A woman: without her, man is nothing.
Punctuation is everything!
*****************************************************************************

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
******************************************************

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss and love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.
*******************************************************************