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Signs actually seen:
On a Plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. Can we pick your On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome - Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit Stay In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully.
We'll wait.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

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I know I haven't known you for a very long time And shouldn't be asking you for this so soon.
But I need it very badly!
I haven't had it for a very long time.
I can already feel it going in good & hard And coming out nice & soft.
If you would do this for me, No one would ever know .
I am sure you can satisfy my needs, And I'll be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate, and I need your help.
You must think by now I have a lot of nerve, But I can feel my tongue wrapping around it And sucking out all the juice until it's very dry.
It's been on my mind all day.
And I am not going to beat around the bush anymore .
Do you have a piece of gum?

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

MBF, HCF ETC....???? A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the lady. "That's disgraceful; why is he doing that?
"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the lady.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
"OH my GOD!" said the lady, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan".

SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK: "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." You always said you'd die for me. I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
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A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". No Shit, Sherlock!!
What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Do they need a bit of Chlorine for their gene pool??

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $12.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." Helllllooo???? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!"
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
"O.K., one more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's the matter, love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.
"I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she yells.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she screams.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."

Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado.
He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

One morning while golfing, Sidney had to relieve himself.
Looking around, and seeing nobody in sight, Sidney started pissing behind a bush...when finished he heard a voice.

"I'm Mother Nature and you just urinated on my buttercups. so therefore, there will be no more butter for you."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be important to be in charge...... you just have to be an asshole...............