Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

* 1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mered isco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
* 2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
* 3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning America. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
* 4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one the following:
1. Home time,
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
* 5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
* You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring thee mployee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

*******************************************************************

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honour given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been of high standard again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was always "totally focused when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about
200 people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ,in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say,"
said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

*******************************************************************

THESE FOLKS ARE NOT THE SHARPEST TOOLS IN THE SHED WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was one of the bystanders standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!!!!)
THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the boat trailer.

************************************************************************

Things I've Learned as I've Matured I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen to you If not...tough shit.

*********************************************************
True complaints made to the real-estate agent, which one? Guess

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against
my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the
outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be
pleased if you: could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy
the wife.
* I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times,
but still have no satisfaction."
*******************************************************************
You know you live in Sydney when...
* You make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.
* You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.
* You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.
* You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.
* You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).
* You contemplate calling a taxi from your home to where you managed to park the car the night before.
* You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.
* You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their Last name or home address.
* You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key...but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.
* Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Aust.
* Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
* You can't remember....is dope illegal?
* You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
* You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
* A really great parking space can move you to tears.
* You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian or building your own website.
* A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and you don't notice.
* You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).
* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.

************************************************************************

Did you contribute to these statistics??????
New stats from Australian Bureau of Statistics:
3 people die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled of the soles of their feet.
18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 people were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally;
8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing into the toilet.

************************************************************************

School Excuses or work!!!!!!
The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system:
"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."
"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."
"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."
"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."
"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the shits."
****************************************************************

George Carlin quotes:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
20. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
28. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?
31. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
33. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
34. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
35. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak" Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber," Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: " If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if don't, you will be." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait

*******************************************************************

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets.
Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 in the air.
Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
(This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20,
1998)
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the petrol, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.
Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
(Taken from a Florida Newspaper.)
JUST REMEMBER, IT COULD BE WORSE.....

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

AND FINALLY.......

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it!!

****************************************************************

The Herald Sun's 24 best headlines of 2000:
1. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
2. Include your children when baking cookies
3. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
4. Drunks get nine months in violin case
5. Iraqi head seeks arms
6. In there a ring of debris round Uranus?
7. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
8. Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
9. British left waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Clinton wins budget; more lies ahead
11. Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
12. Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
13. Miners refuse to work after death
14. Stolen painting found by tree
15. Local high school dropouts cut in half
16. War dims hope of peace
17. If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
18. Couple slain; police suspect homicide
19. Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
20. New study of obesity looks for larger test group
21. Astronaut takes blame for gas in space
22. Kids make nutritious snacks
23. Two sisters reunited after 18 years at checkout counter
24. Typhoon rips through cemetery: hundreds dead
***********************************************************************************

Actually said in Court:
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down by court reporters.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner.
The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).
The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.
Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem,and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Actual School Excuse Notes these are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
Collected by schools from all over the country....

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31,
32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea)
(direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

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