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I AM ITALIAN Ciao...

I'm not a construction worker, a brickie or a cleaner.
I don't live in a 300 room mansion, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a HSV Commodore.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Five Dock, Although I'm certain they're very very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer.
I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the world cup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies, Pavarotti IS the best of the three tenors, And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear, The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!

My name is Guido !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM CANADIAN Hey.

I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!!
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

I AM PAKISTANI Allo, I'm not a taxi driver, a 7-11 or petrol-station attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worship elephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohmud from West Ryde, Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I eat roti....not pita.
I don't only shower once a week, I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods Currie is a VERY tasty dish, And it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee, GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan IS a third world country, The first nation of Cricket And the BEST part of the middle east!!

My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!

I AM CHINESE!

Wai...

I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog.
I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Ashfield Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork.
I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre, Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa China is the LARGEST country in Asia The FIRST nation of PING-PONG, And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!

My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM AMERICAN Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, Although I'm pretty sure they weren't American.
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated, Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing, And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining.
Washing after peeing is for LOSERS, Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast, I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world, The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE, And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!

MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister, AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!!

I AM LEBANESE.

Hey Cuzz!

I'm not a hash dealer, mobile phone vendor, or professional night club hanger.
I live with my mum and dad, 5 brothers, 8 sisters, 4 grandparents,
8 uncles, and their 17 wives.
I know Mohammed, Abdul and Fady - they are my cousins, mate!
I drink water, not beer - Beer is for Skippy's I am loud & stupid, really, really loud & stupid Subwoofers make the music, not your poofy 6 x 9's mate.
Walkinshaw Commodores are the best cars in the world.
And it's pronounced, "Siiiiiicckkkk maaaaaaaaate", not "Sick Mate"
I can proudly wave my flag from the carpark at Auburn Macca's.
Kebab is Arabic for "Weet Bix", Tabouleh and Homous make my Falaffel better.
My cousins will kick the shit of you and your mother, any day mate.
Adidas Tracksuits are "Formal Wear"
and my mum does not wear army boots LEBANON is the most fully worked country in all the Middle East The First Nation of Kenwood Systems And the best part of the Middle East My name is BASSAM, I AM A FULLY SICK LEB MATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CV
NAME: Onesik Habib SEX: OK - but I hope my parents don't find out.

DESIRED POSITION: Being in Bankstown, it would have to be Doggy style.

DESIRED SALARY: $250,000 a year plus a CRX with sub-woofers instead a backseat. Or Cash money under the table!

EDUCATION: No Thanks!

LAST POSITION HELD: Full Back for St Johns Lakemba.

SALARY: No thanks, I hate all types of vegetables.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: I pants my coach in front of the whole team i waxed my back.

REASON FOR LEAVING: All in Brawl - got kicked out of the comp.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Work, who said anything about work!

PREFERRED HOURS: Thursday night /Saturday and Sunday anytime DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: I was in Special Education at School,I can do two things at once I can spit when i talk MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: No, but here's my parole officers number 041$#%^&& DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 15 Kgs?: Bro i can lift upto 250kg with one arm and My fathers back problems and I heard it may be hereditary.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: Yeah, do you want one? How about a stereo?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I came first at school for "MOST SICK DAYS TAKEN"

DO YOU SMOKE?: No, but I know heaps of suppliers!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: I'd like to be doing Britney Spears, actually I'd like to be doing her now!.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Gemini.

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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NZ v OZ Two Kiwis boarded a flight out of London after the rugby world cup. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Australian got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Kiwis. After take-off, the Australian kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Kiwi in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the Aussie, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Kiwis picked up the Aussie's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer, the other Kiwi said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Aussie obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Kiwi picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Australian returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Aussie slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

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Aussie slang I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."

Vomit:

"Calling for George." (think about it)
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fistfull of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

Yes:

"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
"Bloody oath!"
"No wucking furries."

No:

"Pig's arse!!"

Assorted:
"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)

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An Aussie is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread,butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Aussie ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread?"

Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)
"We don't. In the States,we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Aussie: "Of course."

American (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling):
"We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia."

The Aussie then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Aussie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

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The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats
12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick,I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!!!"

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LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)
1) That's not right...................................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP.......................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...........................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse.........................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?........................Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.......................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...............................Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.........................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight............................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile...................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..........................................Fu Kin Su Pah

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Lebanese Style! A lebanese fellow goes to a brothel one night , and finds himself a prostitute , He then asks the prositute , how much for do you charge for the hour??? She replies $100 , So he says okay do you do lebanese style?? She Says no , he then says to her , ill pay you $200 to do lebanese style??? She again says no , not knowing what lebanese style is! So he then offers her $300 , again she delines his offer , So finally he says ill give you $500 to go lebanese style with me , Anyway she finally agrees thinking well she has been in the prostitution industry for over 10 years now , she has been there and done that , how bad could lebanese style be... So she goes ahead has sex with the lebanese fellow , doing it in every kind of way possible and in every position , Finally at the end after he has finished , she turns around and says to him so.... What was the lebanese style???? I mean did i miss something here?? What was so lebanese style about what we done??? He replies to her..................................... Ill pay you tommorrow!!!!!

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Subject:
LEBANESE IN AUSTRALIA!! YOU KNOW UR A TRUE LEBANESE WHEN....
1. You say "estubid" and "awet" for "stupid" and "out"
2. Your Mom hits u with anything that is near her, anything from a shoe to a bowl
3. Your parents brag about you even if you're bad, in prison or unemployed.
4. You are married to your first cousin coz u've been hitting on her since you turned 12
5. Your family eats food with their hands
6. You own a grocery store or a gas station ( or a fish 7 chip shop-eyad)
7. You're fat and blame it on your parents, or you're bald and still blame it on them of course.
8. Your aunt asks you when she can dance at your wedding
9. You smoke as if it were your last day on earth...and you only smoke apple r manga sheesha (argilli) and convince your non-lebanese friends that this is a healthy version of marijwana
10. You wear more cologne than deodorant
11. You pronounce "the things" za sings"
12. You put tahina in and on everything and brag about how healthy it is
13. You gossip about your own family...with members of our own family
14. Your aunts and uncles have more than 4 kids (EACH)
15. You eat kafta at least 4 times a week
16. Your mom cooks a meal that lasts a week
17. You pity anyone who is not an lebanese and think all other cultures are morally corrupt with no respect for values while you are perving and/or stealing snacks from the local 7-Eleven store.
18. You have fruit trees in your backyard and when they are in season you live on them in order to cut down on shopping expenses.
19. You watch the hell out of the Arabic channel and make fun of those who watch arabic movies while hanging out with your friends.
20. You have billions of cousins (1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.)
21. At weddings it takes the bride and groom 4 hours to kiss all the guests and then everybody hits their drink with their forks
22. You "get down" from the car instead of "getting out" of it
23. You act like you want to pay, but in reality you hate to pay(ie: Azymih Makaram) especially infront of girls.
24. You have a gold necklace of your name written in Arabic
25. You own and/or play a tablah (darbaki, drum)
26. Your middle name is your father's first name
27. You never pay the tolls on the highway, rather drive around them and end up burning enough petrol that could have paid for your toll for 1 year.
28. You play cards till the break of dawn, mostly tarnib or 400 in order to make one of your friends dress up as a girl.
29. Your Mom says things like: put za sings in za sing OR enta wayen ya haywan!?
30. You can't have a meal without khabs (bread)
31. If you are a lebanese woman you dye your hair an obviously fake shade of blonde that is nonexistent in nature and swear that it's natural
32. You feel proud when someone famous or a celebrity has any Arabic blood in them
33. You teach your non-lebanese friends Arabic words (mostly bad ones) and get happy when they use them in normal conversations
34. You have five different foods at your dinner table
35. If you're a single lebanese guy, your Mom tries to get u married when you're 12 (to one of your cousins ofcourse!)
36. Your favorite food is warak aneb, but you are embarrassed to tell your friends that you eat leaves for dinner
37. You get really happy and call the whole family to the room when there is a special or documentary on lebanese or anything Arabic related on TV
38. You use religous places as a social ground to meet potential wives/husbands
39. You have afro hair...and if you don't, u have curly hair, unless you are bald that is
40. Your father swears at you with words that effect himself (ie: calls you Ibn El Kalb) (the following were added by Eyad Hassan)
41. you have changed your name so that australians can pronounce it. ie samir/samer/sallim/sallam/samira/hatham/issam=sam mohammad/hammad/mahmood=micheal/mark Farhan/Fayez/Farid/Faheem/Fouad./Fadi=Frank and every other name goes to John. My all time favourite is Fakhri=Mark
42. After filling up petrol, you proceed to elevate the hose and shake it insistng that there is at least $2.00 worth of petrol still in it.
43. you know the lyrics to every ice cube/ice T/ Snoop/ Dr dre/ wu-tang/public enemy song and yet cant remember the lebanese national anthem.
44. Your car sound system is worth more than your car.
45. Your belt buckle weighs at least 1kg
45. you have at least one of the following weapons either under your seat or in the boot of your car :-Knife,baseball bat,cricket bat,steel rod, barstool leg, screw driver, hammer, wrench, argilli hose, chain, crowbar or week old kibbi.
46. you love michael jackson but never admit it.
47. you refer to all your friends as "da boyz" or " my bitches"
48. you have at least one relative called walid.
49. there is at least one picture of some religious or political leader in your house.
50. There is at least one Arrzi somewhere on your car.
51. You keep deoderant spray in your glove compartment as well as about $20 in 5 and 10 cent peices.
52. in front of other people your mum refers to you as habibi or hayaty but when your alone she refers to you as Wella Hayawan.
53. your dad has been in australia for 50 year and still cant speak english properly.
54.your parents try to haggle down the price of every thing......and succseed.
55. You currently or previously have had a goatee.
56.You currently or previously have had a poster of Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan/ Micheal Jackson or Mr T. in your room.
57. You dance like Donald Duck
58. you know at least one bouncer.
59.you assume that No smoking signs/ no parking signs/ red lights/ road rules and pollitical correctness dont apply to you...
60. you spend more time changing the ring tones on your mobile phone or changing the cover than actually talking on the damm thing.
61. You live with your parents until you get married.
62. You mix arabic and English words in the same sentence: ie: that guy is a hayawan! Why you Hayk?
63.You can't have a conversation without the topic turning to cars in five minutes.
64.you have been severely embarrassed in public by your parents on numerous occasions
65. Your Parent always describe Lebanon as being paradise on earth
66. Whenever you tell you dad your going to the pub he says " Tffih ya Australia!!!"
67. You think your sister is "Educated" if she has a hairdressing or beautician certificate from the "Upstairs Sunshine TAFE College for Idiots".
68. Your parents pronounce .."th" as "s" Perth=Pers, & the=sa etc..
69. Your parents don't know the difference between "P" and "B" ie. Night club= night clup poofter=boofter please =bleez
Your mum has tried to make you wear some of dads old clothes/shoes saying its "haram" to just throw them out.

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