HEADLINE NEWS Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

Read on The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

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There was a German, an American and an Irishman on death row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1) be shot;
2) be hung; or
3) be injected with the AIDS virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom! He was dead instantly. Then the American said, "Just hang me." Snap! He also died instantly. Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff!" They gave him his injection and he fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots." So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard he almost was peeing in his pants. So finally the Warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Irishman replied "You guys are so stupid. I'm wearing a condom!"

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Three prisoners, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the Englishman and stand him in front of the pole.

He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the Englishman runs away.

Next, they place the Scotsman in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the Scotsman escapes.

Next up is the Irishman. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

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A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, dere's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

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