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AN ACTUAL AD IN THE LONDON TIMES
WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. But please only read lines 1,3 and 5. ************************************************************************ A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On the third floor a man got in who looked perfect - 3 pc suit, great build, nice butt, etc, etc. The bad thing that they both noticed is that he had dandruff. The man got out on the fifth floor and when the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders". The blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. ******************************************************************* A father was having trouble getting his son to cut his long hair.
When the boy asked to borrow the family car, the father said, "You
may borrow the car when you cut your hair." Later that same evening
the father passed by the son's room where he was stretched out on
the bed reading the Bible. He said, "Dad, did you know it says
here that Jesus never cut his hair?" His dad said, "Yes,
son, and if you read further, you notice it says he walked everywhere
he went." Bumper Stickers So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time ************************************************************************* "God made the earth the center of His great universe," said the clergyman. "No, my observations tell me that the universe revolves around the sun," the astronomer insisted. "You're both wrong," explained the professional athlete. "The universe revolves around me." ******************************************************************* George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years." ******************************************************************* A young boy wanted to see a new pirate movie. When tried to buy a ticket, the clerk told him no. "Why not?" the boy asked. "Because," the clerk answered, "it's rated ARRRRRR!!" - ******************************************************************* Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad --- ******************************************************************* A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit." "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You've been complaining ever since you got here ******************************************************************* Scientists who have been using rats in their scientific experiments have decided to use lawyers instead. They site three reasons: One, there are more of them. Two, they don't become as emotionally attached to lawyers as they do rats. And three, there are some things rats just won't do! ******************************************************************* A man met a genie in the usual lamp-rubbing manner, and was granted one wish. "I want a highway from here to Hawaii," the man said. "Think about how long the supports would be," the genie replied, "and how far the road would have to stretch. Isn't there something else you'd like?" The man said, "Okay. I'd like to understand women." The genie then said, "You want that highway with two lanes or four?" ******************************************************************* The Beer Prayer Our lager Which art in barrels Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk) ******************************************************************* At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore. "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off
all my pubic hair. "What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. "Read my lips: No more Bush." ******************************************************************* Q: How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
Q: How is a woman like a condom? Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Q: What's the difference between Gary Glitter and greyhound racing? Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? What's the difference between oral sex and driving in the fog? ******************************************************************* I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing
to play with. Seinfeldisms More light reading !! I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay,then it's you. TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go I think. My mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!" ******************************************************************* One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something behind him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got closer, so the frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God, I know I denied you so many times, that it would be foolish for me to ask you to help me, so I ask you to please make the bear a Christian." When he finished his prayer, the bear got down on its knees. The atheist got closer, and heard the bear was saying: "God, bless this food I'm about to eat." ******************************************************************* Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said,
"I do Father." The priest said, "Then leave this pub
right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to
got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's
reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest,
as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied. The priest looked
him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh,
when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now." A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up
behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What
was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she
replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was
the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks
satisfied, apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he
comes to, he says, "What the heck was that for?" She answers,
"Your horse just phoned." Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." ******************************************************************* A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the
wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent
a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not
going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I
died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife
asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed
is brand new, and it cost us $2000. Its going to last a long time,
so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and
she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf
clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's
left-handed." A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." ******************************************************************* A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day,
whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then
told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because
they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said,
"What?" : Obviously written by a woman! A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ******************************************************************* A man goes to his lawyer and says, "I would like to write up a will, but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer replies, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looks somewhat upset, and exclaims, "Well I knew you'd take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!" ******************************************************************* A state trooper pulls over a disoriented driver on a lonely back road and says, "Hey buddy, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "That's your air freshener." ******************************************************************* A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago." ******************************************************************* A young man comes across an old man sitting on a park bench, crying. When he asks him why, the old man replies, "I have a beautiful, 27-year-old wife waiting for me at home." Of course the young man is confused. He asks, "Why are you crying because you have a beautiful, 27-year-old wife waiting for you at home?" The old man looks up and cries out, "I can't remember where I live!!" ******************************************************************* A hospital surgeon told his patient: "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" The patient said, "Give me the bad news first." The doctor said, "We are going to have to amputate your feet. The patient said, "That's terrible! What's the good news?" The doctor said, "The patient in the next room wants to buy your slippers." ******************************************************************* A man went ice fishing, and started to make a cut in the ice when a voice from above boomed out: "There are no fish there." So he moved to another spot, and started to cut another hole in the ice. The same voice said, "There are no fish there." When he moved to another spot and started to cut, the same voice again proclaimed, "There are no fish there!" The man raised his eyes toward heaven and asked, " Are you God?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the manger of this skating rink!" ******************************************************************* When a crowded school bus pulled over to make way for a speeding fire truck, several children spotted a Dalmatian seated by the driver . "Why did the firemen have that dog with them?" one child asked. "To bark at the crowds and keep people out of the way," another answered. "He's there for good luck," insisted a third. The discussion ended when one lad explained, "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant." ******************************************************************* An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup. Then he gave these to his wife. Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!" ******************************************************************* A man went to the police station asking to speak to the thief who had broken into his house the previous night. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant said. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife . . . I've been trying to do that for years!" ******************************************************************* A little girl wore a medical bracelet. When someone asked her what
it was for, she replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person then asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl
answered, "I don't know. I don't eat cats." After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring
his wife a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle
of perfume. "That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned
with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
he complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00
bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd like to see something
really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror. George came home from the doctor looking very worried. "What's the problem?" his wife asked. "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." "I know," said George, "but the doctor only gave me four pills!" ******************************************************************* A little boy had not given up sucking his thumb, though his mother
had tried everything to discourage the habit. Finally, she warned
her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach
is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking
in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench.
The boy took a few brisk steps towards her, pointed sternly at her
belly, and said, "Ooooo... I know what you've been doing!"
A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?" One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!" ************************************************************************ More Olympic humour.... A man out shopping discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. *******************************************************************
******************************************************************* A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws." ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do. ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have
more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
making toys? ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song? ******************************************************************* Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE, Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging sh*t may work with
your folks, but that cr*p don't work up here. You're getting a sweater
again. ******************************************************************* Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home? ******************************************************************* What Santa would like to say...... Dear Sata, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a
good boy all yeer. I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! ******************************************************************* Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. ******************************************************************* |
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Site By ME! Phillip