The Evil Empire Editorial
Resistance is futile; our opinion is law
Fourth Quarter 2002
Greetings from the Evil Empire!  This is simply a small hole in the world wide web where you get to slip away from reality and delve into a world that is not quite as shitty.  Here you'll find editorials on things that no one seems to give a damn about, as well as the quality news from around the world that you demand.  You can also email us, and who knows, we may even read it if we get bored enough.  So sit back and enjoy!  We own your ass now.
Top Stories
Town Welcomes Satan Back
Click here to drop us an email and tell us how great we are!  All criticism can be kept to yourself.
Unpopular  Man Insists His House is Haunted
Other Fun Stuff
Meet the Staff
Kirby's Art
Bad Andy Rants!
Links to Good Stuff
The Truth About Monkeys:
What the Government Doesn't Want You to Know
Fine, I'll Come Up With My Own
Damn Nickname
Sex for Dummies Begets More Dummies
© 2002. All creative work is the property of the Evil Empire Editorial and should not be reprinted without permission. 
Drinking Decaf is Like Dating a Nun
A Very Short List of French Accomplishments
Feature Editorials
The Wide World of Elephant Sports
GFunk's Art
Other Headlines
Celebrity Boxing We Would Like to See
Banner Exchange
Wit Withheld
On Being Smart and Being a Butt
Inglis, FL -- "Welcome Back Satan!" reads the sign held by 17 year-old Melissa "Morgana" Heart.  Heart and several other high school students in black clothing, white make-up, and black eye and lip liner attended a rally on US 19 at the city limits of this non-so-sleepy Florida town. Mark Salliers a charter fishing captain and a damn dirty hippie organized the rally... (full article)
The United States government is breeding monkeys for the expressed purpose of taking away our freedom. People, this is worse than the garden gnome conspiracy which we uncovered in 1999.  Our sources here at The Evil Empire Editorial have informed us that the public is unwittingly playing part in an elaborate game which will end up with the enslavement of 90% of the U.S. population... (full article)
Izard County, AK -- When Beau Innis heard the news on WYAT radio he jumped up and kissed his cousin.  After years of defending his marriage to her, he was finally vindicated in claiming that their son's cystic fibrosis was not the result of his or his parent's inbreeding.... (full article)
You know, you hang out with a group of friends for a while, and, say your name is Mike.  Well, nothing against the name Mike, but your friends will probably find it more entertaining to call you something they make up just for you... (full article)
Does being smart naturally make one an asshole?  (full article)
Contact Us
So You Like Priests?
Modern Accountant: The Vacation is Over
1¢ Rate Hike for Food Stamps Blamed on E-Food
Woman Wins Lottery, Struck by Lightning
Shattered Dreams
...I saw a mother bundling her child up for the cold November weather, beaming down at the youngster who couldn't have been more than three years old.  The wide eyed, blonde haired little girl grinned up at her guardian and proclaimed, "I want to be an astronaut when I grow up!"   Mom smiled down at her trusting little angel, patted her on the head and lied, "Honey, you can be anything you want to be."...  (full article)
Froggie Eyed Cat Masacres Hutch of Dust Bunnies
Prison Break: Steve the Midget Seen Going South
Thunderstorm kills last Fainting Goat
Ask GFunk!
Life's tough questions answered by your friendly neighborhood E3 columnist...
Girl Problems
Cheating Spouses
Venereal Diseases
E3 for Daily Living
Evil Horoscopes
XFL Fan Won't Let Go
Also In The News...
Hey, buddy.  You've just endured a long, exasperating day of dealing with fools, dolts, and ninnies.  As you reflect on these experiences, you remember how in school you were barely an average student but today you can't find one person who is on the same intellectual level as yourself.  How did this happen?  Where are all those nerdy little people you knew back then?  Well, my friend, it's time you learned the truth… (full article)
The Brainwashing of America's Youth
(Or, Why Idiots Run the Country)
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan explains our economy or lack there of.
Special Interview with Alan Greenspan
We asked for it, and you obliged!  Be sure to check out some of our favorites in the Other Fun Stuff section!
East Saint Louis, IL -- Stephen Crane, a food scientiest for the Anheuser-Busch, Co.   admits that he has done some desperate things to be popular in the past, but that his claim to nieghbors and co-workers that this his new house is haunted is not plea for attention and friendship.  Long-time friend and college fraternity brother Peter D'Ilmo explains, "He's been like this for as long as I've known him. He was always making up stories about cool things he never did... (full article)
The Vigilant Heroes