Dear Harvey - Advice Column
(in my new digs from under John’s pillow)
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from SailorAeryn, NeuralClone, uisceboo, biganoyinpainnthebum, not telling, and anonymous. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Where should I begin? So much has happened since I last wrote this column. Yes it is true, I am no longer in John Crichton’s head. But, I am NOT dead. I’m in some sort of storage device in which Scorpius put me. I can’t hold it against John either. I know I tried to get him to kill Scorpius as I knew this would come to pass, and as you all know, I was spectacularly unsuccessful. John did make a feeble attempt at resisting Scorpius, but he could not. He is keeping me safe for now, and is managing to provide me with your e-mails. The upside is I no longer have to beg for time to respond. The downside is it is terribly lonely for me, so keep those e-mails coming! It is you, Dearest Readers, all, who keep me alive!
And you will be happy to know that John is keeping me under his pillow at night so that we can be as close as the laws of physics will currently allow.
With that in mind, I will start with this e-mail, as sent to John Crichton.
Dear John
My condolences to you Mr. Crichton. This letter normally would be sent to the late Harvey. I was at home when I heard the news. That at 10:28 PM est, on Friday the 12th of July, the late Harvey was removed from John Crichton's Head. It was a day that many of us thought would never come. I know He has been a good friend to you John, someone you could talk to when nobody else would listen. It wasn't always easy, but over time I have seem the friendship that you both shared. He helped many people not just you John but many. People who would turn to him for advice, people who will miss him very very much. The time ahead of you may be very hard, your loss great. But you still have the very people that Harvey helped to turn to. We are here to help you with your loss, we owe it to Harvey now to be your protector, your friend and a friendly ear to listen. We can't possibly fill his shoes, but at least we can be there for you.
With great sympathy
SailorAeryn
Dear SailorAeryn,
First, John wishes to thank you for your heartfelt sympathy. He has informed me that these words do indeed help fill the void that he is now feeling.
Rest assured, he can still ask for advice, albeit in the same way as everyone else now. Additionally, he has resorted to sending me e-mail in the past, so it isn’t as if he is a stranger to this procedure.
And so, I will say again, dearest readers continue to send me those e-mails. John will see to it that I get them.
______________________________
Dear Harvey
I'd like some advice about giving advice. You see, I'm the ambassadorial aide of a really important ambassador. Well actually, he's not that important, but - . Anyway, it's like, it's like this. My boss has made some new "friends" I think are using him and I'm afraid he's going to do something stupid. Like give away the Homeworld! These people are not only trouble, but it's an incredible security breach as well.
However, whenever I try to warn the Ambassador, he just brushes me off and insults me. He called me a "moon-faced assassin of joy!" Since you are so *good* at giving advice, I wonder if you can give me some hints on how to talk to him? I'd hate to wind up having to say, "I told you so!"
Respectfully
Vir Cotto
Dear Vir,
I don’t know how to say this delicately, so I won’t. You are just going to have to be the one in charge. Show him who really is boss. Threaten him with exposure if he doesn’t stop giving things away, especially the crown jewels!
Try pushing him around, that always works for me. If you should fail, then revenge is the only answer. And ‘I told you so’ is a very good start.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I was with this really great guy a couple of cycles ago. it got too intense...you know, commitment pressures and all that...well, I screwed it up, and we broke up, a really really BAD breakup.
Thing is, I think I still might have feelings for the dumb Luxan. I sometimes think we might get back together. You know, we find ourselves alone in his ship, or on a cliff, or behind a stone statue of a screaming woman, and things just seem like old times.
The other day, tough, we were leaving to go someplace, and I saw him kiss another girl. It wasn't just a goodbye kiss, either. He never told me he liked her -- hezmana, I thought he couldn't stand her. He just comes out and starts swapping spit with her! I don't know if he'll see her again, it could be days or cycles, but I think I'm jealous.
Should I tell him I saw him kiss that tralk? Or isn't it any of my business? Why couldn't I see this coming?
Shades of Gray
Dear Shades,
You have absolutely no reason to be jealous. Let’s face it, you are with him, the other tralk is not. And how anyone can stand all that screaming is beyond me.
All you have to do is make sure you don’t leave him alone for a microt. And if he is as dumb as you say he is, he’ll forget completely about how bad the break up was.
If he doesn’t forget how bad the break up was, you can remind him that he is really to blame for all the woes as it was his pushiness, his insistence for a commitment from you that caused the chain of events, etc. etc.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I feel as though I've just been left dangling on the end of a rope here. Can you help me? I met this girl. She didn't seem to like me at first (I'm still not totally sure, but the pulse blast gave me a hint). She left in a hurry, I couldn't even get a phone number. And so I have spent the past few solar days trying to find her (or even one of her friends, maybe a sister...) I finally did find her, but apparently she's already got a boyfriend. And he didn't seem too happy to see me. I tried to talk things over with him, but it didn't seem to work out. He left, and then came back with the object of my affections, but she didn't seem well. I'm not really sure what her deal was, but she was going into convulsions or something. She must have overdosed on drugs or something. I don't need this dren. If I had known that she was a junkie, I would have left well enough alone. So now they've come into my place, and they start shooting up the joint. What brought that on? After the smoke cleared, there I was. And then they just LEAVE! How rude. And all I get is the boyfriend muttering something underneath his breath about the wizard of ... Oz? And just like that, they leave me hanging here.
Yours,
Oolam
Chief Protector of the Prime Lukaisian
Dear Oolam,
You win some, you lose some, what can I say?
At this point, I would just cut my loses and move onto greener pastures if I were you.
If you find you cannot do that, send her gifts, and keep in touch. After all, her current boyfriend might ditch her, as she ditched you, and then you can get her on the rebound. She will be so grateful to have someone else’s arms to fall into, that you are sure to win her over.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Are you insane? Oh never mind, skip that question. How in God could you tell John to stop wearing the leather pants? I live to watch him in those pants. What would be the point of Farscape without lusting after Ben? This is no point there would only be darkness. Please, dear sir, reconsider and give him different advice. Otherwise, I cannot guarantee your safety. I will not be denied.
Lusty
Dear Lusty,
First you dis me, then you ask for my advice?
Just for that, you’re not getting any!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a high-ranking PK officer who serves under an incredibly hot commander. However, this woman has so far not only resisted my incredible charms, but chose this frelling human to recreate with instead. After the human caused her considerable embarrassment, I thought she might finally give me some notice. Instead, her treatment of me has gotten even worse. I even volunteered for a dangerous mission just to impress her, but she didn't even give me a word of thanks. You must tell me how to deal with this situation before my work performance is seriously impaired.
Anonymous PK captain
Dear captain (if that is what you really are!),
Have you considered that what really turns this hot commander on is complete submission to her wiles and charms.
Try being the consummate toady for once. That will work.
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