Dear Harvey - Advice Column
(from under John’s pillow)
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Peacekeeperchuck, Mreen, A nonymous, Lassievorc, NeuralClone, and WVSciFiFan. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Thank you for your continued support and vote of confidence. Speaking of votes, what did you think of D’Argo being voted captain? Way to go D’Argo! I am just floored that Scorpius garnered a vote. Scorpius! Who in their right mind... oh, I’ve forgotten about that weird old lady. I don’t understand why she would vote for Scorpius though. Maybe she’s his mother. Maybe they lied to Scorpius and she isn’t dead, just rapidly aged from giving birth to him. It makes sense.
John is still keeping me safe under his pillow, and forwarding your e-mail to me, so things could be worse. Of all the limbo’s I’ve experienced, this is the most interesting. Anyway, I get to sense some of the action through the pillow when John is relaxing.
And so, dear readers, I will move onto the e-mail. And I have a real treat, I’ve heard from the Dentic again. Oh Joy!
Dear Harvey,
I believe that I have just found my next 'mark'.
There're several actually, and that is why I am not going to take this lightly. (I am afraid that you simply don't need to know the details at this time.) :)
Being the sole beneficiary of my 'marks' estate has left me with quite a large some of cash. Since I no longer have to worry about my income, I am going to enroll in several so-called 'self improvement' classes.
I was wondering how I should tell my boss that I am quitting my job? After being such a loyal worker for so many years I am afraid I simply don't know what would be apropos. (I will admit that the thoughts of revenge against my current 'marks' might be distracting me a bit.)
Would torching the place be a good idea, or should I arrange his knees to have a blind date with a baseball bat in the near future?
Don't you forget that I will *always* be there for you, my very dear Friend!
Death is too good....
The Dentic
My Dear, Dear Dentic,
Thank you so much for your friendship. It is always such a blessing to find such a kindred soul; I shall always be there for you, my friend.
Weigh your options carefully before you give notice. Does your job allow you to come in contact with your potential marks? This must be part of the equation. Do not act in haste! Take a little vacation to think things through, and then you can also concentrate on your new mark while on vacation. This will also give you the time to see if having just one mark is satisfactory. Have you considered expanding your horizons?
I really can’t advise as to whether you should torch the place or set your mark up on a date with a baseball bat. You have not given me enough information. Furthermore, it sounds to me that you are again acting in haste. Have you prepared you mark properly? I think not, my friend. You have not had adequate time to do so. Remember how satisfying the previous mark was? It is only because you took the proper time and care with him. This sounds like a rush job to me. You are letting your success go to your head.
*What have I created? This dentic is a dear friend, but he needs to slow down. I fear his haste ruined it for him with his first mark. I’m not so sure he is taking my advice at all! What to do... ? What to do... ?*
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Oh my poor dear Harvey, I hope you are indeed alright and not dead. Whatever existance you are occupying I hope you are finding it comfortable and stocked with comforts to live on. Just in case I am enclosing a large supply of emergency comfort brownies and some clean Hawiian shirts, and a set of drumsticks. (You can take time to practice and learn a new instrument now, at least). I cant imagine how poor John is coping without you, clearly Scorpy used some sort of mind lock to get him to do that. *sniff* ..although, you're um.. interesting choice of appearences with Aeryn in the room may have been the trigger there, you know how sensitive John is about her.
Mreen
PS *On the other hand, if you should discover you are indeed dead, could you say hi to Fred for me? We miss him as well.*
Dear Mreen,
You are my guardian angel! First you saved us with those wonderful brownies until Elack could float by, and now you are keeping me from losing it altogether with your generous gifts. I am truly lucky to have you for a friend *unlike that dentic who might be getting just a little too full of himself*. But the brownies you mentioned in this e-mail, I’m afraid they didn’t arrive with the clean Hawaiian shirts. *I wonder what happened to them?*
I’m also sure that Aeryn had nothing to do with my being removed from John’s head.
Whose Fred? If he is a dead person, then I guess I’m alive. I am alive, even if I can’t do much at present.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
A few months ago I met this incredible woman. She is beautiful, intelligent, and possibly the only person alive who could beat me in a fair fight. In other words, everything I could possibly want in a woman and more. Not to mention she's the reincarnation of my mother as well. However, my master/ father forbids me to court her. He has his own designs on her, for she is the weilder of a powerful weapon he has sought for decades. My assignment is to guide and protect her, which she somehow construes as stalking. Instead of listening to my vaguely phrased warnings, Sara Pezzini repeatedly insults me and calls me a freak. Warning her directly would be an even further violation of my master's orders. A wise person once said that "no man can serve two masters." After my experiences with Sara and my father, Mr. Irons, I truly understand the truth of these words. I need your guidance to help me choose, before I lose both of the people I so desperately love.
Ian Nottingham
Dear Ian,
I don’t see the problem. I see a very simple solution for you. First, answer this question honestly and I think you will see the solution clearly and rationally.
Why is “no man can serve two master” wise? Of course you can serve two masters. Just make sure you keep each in the dark about the other.
The point is, you DON’T have to choose. Make sure you tell Ms. Pezzini (such a lovely name) the absolute truth about your protecting her from harm. Stop being vague. Let her know where the real dangers are. She is sure to come around and understand that you are looking out for her best interest, and I’m sure she’ll show her gratitude by taking you into her confidence, and more.
As for your father, just placate him about how you are working on getting this powerful weapon and that he is sure to have it in his hands soon, but that he must be patient and let you work out the details. He too will be grateful to you for not only helping him attain his goal, but also relieving him of this onus that has plagued him for decades.
______________________________
Dear Sir;
I am an up and coming young officer aboard CDT. Grayza's command carrier. I might have attained the rank of Capain by now, if not for the arrival of Braca. He is a consummate toady and Grayza latched onto him. I strive to be loyal, always keeping in mind the welfare of the Sebacean people. At one point should I make a move to supplant Braca, knowing I can be more effective in the role of captain? Sure, I have a healthy amount of ambition, but I want to do what is right!
Regards,
Best Damn Pilot
Dear Pilot,
I can see by your e-mail that you are a Pilot of extraordinary taste to correctly identify Braca as a consummate toady. But do not forget, that Braca is also ambitious, and successful, whereas you have failed. You need to study Braca to learn what he is doing to make himself successful.
Loyalty is clearly not enough, it is merely a starting point. Not only must you be loyal, but you must suck up to Grayza at every opportunity. Choose them carefully, for the timing on the suck-ups must be such that not only do they put you in the best light, but they also place Braca in a bad light. It should only take three or four or five suck-ups for you to bathe in Grayza’s radiant favor and firmly place Braca in the toilet.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
What about that Crichton? Here I am, thinking you're a made guy, and he goes and clips ya. That's no way to treat a good associate like you. I tell you we need people like you in the waste management business.
Anyway, I got a deal for ya. What about it? How about we pop Crichton for ya. We'll take it to the mattress for if we have to. And in return - well, we might need a favor some day. Might not. Who can tell?
Just say the word, and the whole family's behind ya. You interested?
Tony
Dear Tony,
I really appreciate the offer, but I can’t.
First, Crichton is being protected by someone who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are Scorpius. To get at Crichton, you must first get at Scorpius, and according to Crichton, you can’t kill Scorpius. He said that even Buffy the Vampire slayer couldn’t kill Scorpius, which sounds pretty convincing to me. (Vampires are some pretty nasty pieces of work, if Critons depiction of them is correct.)
Second, Crichton promised to do right by me, I just have to be patient. I still exist, albeit in rather cramped quarters. And, I suspect that Scorpius is the only one who knows how to use the apparatus that will free me when the time comes.
Thank you for you kind and generous offer, but I must decline if I ever hope to have more than this cramped existence.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have this wonderful friend (she sometimes lets me call her Master) who is really into some fellow named Scorpius. From time to time she will grace me with her presence, but will then also go long stretches where I am not permitted to bask in her glory. When I am granted the right to speak with her, we have a connection (at least i think thats the reason for why all her closest retainers seem to vacate the premises). On the other hand, she will sometimes give me strange requests such as going to a place called Roswell and paying homage to Scorpius (apparently they've heard of him there) and safekeeping her "toys". It is such a joy to be in her presence that I gladly perform any task she requires of me. Harvey, is there anything i can do to merit more time with her?
Lost and trying to find the UT
PS: I don't remember her ever mentioning my eyes. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Dear Lost,
Do a lot of groveling. This is what she wants, and you seem the type to give it. Continue to do whatever she asks you to do. Never form your own opinion. Never complain. (She won’t listen anyway.) Compliment her every opportunity, and create opportunities. I’m sure this will win her to you.
The fact that she hasn’t mentioned your eyes may not be important. She first must acknowledge that you exist. By being a doormat as outlined above, you should get to the “you exist” plateau. Then you can work on the eyes.
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