Hopefully everyone did better than I did on the Melbourne Cup. Tightrope Walker-man won, he said "Anything with the name Diva is already a winner". It wasn't his first choice though, first he tried to put his 50 cents on Seabiscuit, even though I insisted it was a movie and Seabiscuit wasn't racing on account he's been dead for quite some time.
And seriously, who names anything Seabiscuit? That has to be the shittest name ever. It brings to mind stories about frat parties and soggy, salty biscuits. It's just plain wrong! Now none of you will ever be able to look at the name Seabiscuit without going "ew".
I wonder how many guys at the Cup took their fashion cues from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'? Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad show (it's Tightrope Walker-man's second favorite show... after Oprah), but what is it that makes people think that, just because they're gay, they must know more about fashion and culture than anyone? Clearly their love of Cher should tell us otherwise. And clearly the producers of the show don't have a very clear understanding of the term 'fashion expert'. I know I'm not expert in fashion, but at least I know to stay away from 'Kanga' hats and paisley pants. Oh sorry, apparently it's not called 'paisley', it's called 'flocking'. I call it 'flocking ridiculous'. Boom boom! Rodney Dangerfield eat your heart out... you damn cannibal (never really understood that heart eating saying).
Anyway, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we see a whole bunch of makeover shows modeled after 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'. So, I think the producers should get in right away and franchise it before anyone else does. I'd like to suggest 'Eastern Eye for the Western Guy'. I think it could be very entertaining to dress Nigel from Wonthaggi up as a Mongolian nomad, take him out hunting for large rodents, gutting them and shoving hot coals into them to cook from the inside out to surprise his woman. Or, take him to Vietnam and dress him up in a conical ha, t-shirt with the Vietnamese flag or Tiger Beer on it, hand him a 1.5 litre bottle of water and a copy of the Lonely Planet Guide to Vietnam and release him onto the streets of Hanoi. Oh wait, that'd be more appropriate for 'Tourist Eye for the German Guy'. Sorry, I wish you all knew how funny that actually is. And elderly American tourists get a bad rap, they start 'em young in Germany!
I myself would like to host 'Bourbon Eye for the Bogan Guy'. It's all about Ugg Boots, Chinese food (you just don't get more fancy than a Chinese restaurant) and, of course, the nectar of the Gods. No, not God-sperm... bourbon.
You can email the Gold Logie winning Stilt-boy at jimjimbo75@yahoo.com.au
Go ahead, ask him a question... or offer him sexual favors, he'd like that...
