Akira (1988) - Anubis throws down a few thoughts on the movie that opened up the Western world to the influence of Japanese animation as futuristic teenage bikers get hassled by the government and their crazed genetic experiment.
Army of Darkness (1992) - Anubis botches the magic words when he and his boomstick review Ash's third and final excursion into Deadite territory in the far flung past.
Barbarella (1968) - Anubis and Dino De Laurentiis take the plunge into the psychedelic sci-fi swimming pool once more when Jane Fonda travels the galaxy and screws anything with a dick.
Children of Men (2006) - Anubis travels to yet another dystopian future, this time to 2027 Great Britain with Clive Owen, Michael Caine and Julianna Moore as his partners in the face of global political strife and a mysterious human deformity...
The Condemned (2007) - Anubis finds out what happens when you put two professional wrestlers, an ex soccer hooligan, and a cast of nobodies on an island together and tell them to kill each other. It's a recipe for wackiness!
Crank (2006) - Anubis witnesses Jason Statham craching cars and kicking ass during the last hours of his life when he's infected with a synthetic death drug. What do you do when you've only got one hour to live? You fuck as much shit up as you can before you go!
The Descent (2005) - Anubis goes spelunking with an all woman cast as a group of friends jump into a big hole and fight Bat Boy's trailer trash relatives.
Deep Blue Sea (1999) - Nix gives us a few thoughts on his favorite bastard son to Jaws. Oh, and probably the most useful piece of advice anyone will ever need.
Dr. No (1962) - Anubis heads down to Jamaica with the immortal James Bond in 007's first cinematic outing and the first time an out of work bodyguard named Sean Connery would test out his acting chops. Just be sure to look out for the Canadian guy pretending he's Chinese...
Eragon (2006) - Anubis goes to the movies with his fiancee to see the big screen adaptation of a fantasy book series about a boy and his dragon. Does it turn him into a believer or just another skeptic?
The Evil Dead (1981) - Anubis opens the books on one of horrordom's greatest trilogies when he follows five friends through the worst night of their (soon to be over) lives. Stay away from secluded cabins and horny trees kids...
Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987) - Anubis reviews one of horror's modern classics as Ash's night of doom and gloom saunters on. He won't let it get him down though, because he's got a chainsaw hand to see him through the hard times! Groovy.
Flash Gordon (1980) - Anubis gets into a midnight matinée mood when NY Jets quarterback Flash Gordon dives headfirst into a world of neon lights, swirling colors and flashy costumes... IN SPAAAAAAAAACE!
The Fog (1980) - Anubis heads into the mist with Tom Atkins, Jamie-Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau for John Carpenter's Halloween follow up about phantom leper pirate zombie ghosts.
The Fog (2005) - Anubis heads back to Antonio Bay to duel undead leper ghosts with the guy from "Smallville" and the chick from Hellboy in the update of the less-than-stellar John Carpenter movie of the same name.
The Food of the Gods (1976) - Anubis goes for a relaxing weekend in the boonies and instead winds up fending off giant rats, colossal wasps and a monstrous rubber cock in one of the staples of the "nature gone mad" genre.
Friday the 13th (1980) - Fistula begins the first of many steps in his clinic of quickies on why F13 is his favorite slasher series.
Friday the 13th (1980) - Anubis takes a stab at the opening ceremonies of the Vorhees family legacy.
Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) - Fistula continues on the F13 twelve step program with step #2: the coming of Jason!
Friday the 13th Part 3-D (1982) - Fistula's F13 crusade goes on as Jason gets his famous hockey mask and we get a lot of shit thrown at us in the most three-dimensional-tastic installment of the series!
Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter (1984) - Fistula's F13 marathon picks up once again with the final (riiiiiight) chapter in the murderous life of Jason Vorhees as the big guy faces his deadliest foe yet: Corey Feldman!
From Russia With Love (1963) - Anubis and Sean Connery fight a Russian juggernaut and the forces of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. in Istanbul while trying to bang a hot Russian defector and a pair of gypsy babes.
Ghost Rider (2007) - Anubis sits through yet another comic book-to-film adaptation, this time for a b-grade Marvel Comics hero whose gimmick is that he's a flaming skeleton biker bounty hunter for Satan... take that as you will.
Goldfinger (1964) - Anubis jumps into the first really good Bond movie, as 007 matches wits with gambling super-villain Auric Goldfinger and his hat-throwing henchman Obbjob, and matches sexual organs with Miss Pussy Galore!
Grindhouse (2007) - Two semi-indy, semi-Hollywood directors team up to bring the world a double feature proudly displaying their love for the gritty exploitation flicks of the sleazy '70s! Two movies broken up into two reviews:
Planet Terror - Anubis follows Robert Rodriguez into a world where Bruce Willis turns everybody into zombies and Rose McGowan has her right leg replaced with a machine gun. Zombies, gore and explosions ahoy!
Death Proof - Anubis rides shotgun with Quentin Tarantino as crazy old Kurt Russell tries to run down strong and sexy female characters in his unkillable stuntman mobile!
Halloween (1978) - Anubis loses popularity as he whips out a quicky on the birth of Michael Myers.
Halloween (2007) - Anubis checks out the Rob Zombie remake of the so-called horror classic when Michael Myers gets an origin and everybody else gets really, really annoying.
Halloween (workprint) (2007) - Anubis proves that you really can beat a dead horse when he goes to the well once again, this time reviewing the workprint of Rob Zombie's 2007 slasher remake.
Halloween 2 (1981) - Anubis bucks convention once again by throwing some favor toward "More of 'the Night He Came Home'".
The Hills Have Eyes (2006) - Anubis checks out the 2006 remake of the 1977 classic, sadly lacking Michael Berryman but well stocked in Alexandre Aja, mutant miners and excessive blood and gore! Hooray for violence!
Hostel (2005) - Nix proves there's no such thing as diplomatic immunity in Eli Roth's already infamous tale of some guys just looking for a good time... and getting the exact opposite.
Hot Fuzz (2007) - Anubis rejoins the creators and stars of Shaun of the Dead for their take on the action movie genre as Simon Pegg and Nick Frost team up to take down... Timothy Dalton?!
Infernal Affairs (2002) - Anubis reviews the Hong Kong crime suspense flick that The Departed is based on... only with more action, better pacing and a much tighter script.
Johnny Mnemonic (1994) - Anubis hangs out with the likes of Udo Kier, Henry Rollins, Takeshi Kitano and Ice Tea as Keanu Reeves runs through the year 2021 and tries to keep his brain from melting.
Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988) - Anubis trades custard pies with alien invader clowns who come to capture the human race and drink their sugar enriched blood! But, only if our generic heroes can't stop them first...
Lord of Illusions (1995) - Anubis watches an evil magic cult leader return from the dead to exact revenge on Famke Janssen and kill off Scott Bakula while he's at it.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: the Movie (1996) - Anubis embraces the big-budget theatrical offspring of the funniest cult classic science fiction TV show about a guy and his robots making fun of movies that you'll ever see!
A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) - Anubis witnesses Wes Craven doing something very right when he brings us the killer who can get your kids where you can't protect 'em...
Night of the Living Dead (1968) - Anubis pinches out a quickie for one of the most influential horror movies to come out of Pennsylvania and foregos the usual "social commentary" and "insight" crap that others reviewers like to talk about.
A Nix "Year In Review" for 2006 - Nix runs through the 2006 releases he had to sit through, elevating the worthy and picking apart the non in 27 quicky little reviews for everything from Feast to Little Miss Sunshine.
The One (2001) - Anubis heads to another dimension with Jet Li, Jason Statham and Delroy Lindo when Li's evil alternate universe counterpart arrives to kill him and steal his power on the road the becoming a god... yeah, I'm confused too.
Pathfinder (2007) - Anubis battles marauding Vikings in Ewok fashion along with American Indians, Karl Urban and a hot Korean chick.
The Protector (2006) - Anubis watches Tony Jaa's follow-up to Ong Bak and wonders, "wha?!" as the world renowned martial artist jumps at elephant poachers knees first.
Pumpkinhead (1989) - Anubis and Lance Henriksen summon up the hillbilly demon known as Pumpkinhead to exact revenge on a group of no-good city folk in this classic cinematic redneck fairy tale featuring FX guy Stan Winston's debut as a director... and it shows.
Satan's Playground (2005) - Nix reviews yet another horrible movie about the fabled Jersey Devil, the monster so lame they named a hockey team after it. But, can the man's love for Ellen Sandweiss turns thing around for our intrepid reviewer? Let's find out...
A Scanner Darkly (2006) - Nix gives one of the shortest reviews in the Tomb's history with this tidbit on the underappreciated animated mind-fuck.
Scream (1996) - Anubis witnesses Wes Craven doing something very wrong when he brings us the hideous miscarriage that would birth a whole sub-genre of lame slasher fare.
Silent Hill (1006) - Anubis heads to the wreckage of the burnt out mining town known as Silent Hill to investigate a missing orphan girl and just why everything in the place goes topsy-fucking crazy when the sun goes down.
Slither (2006) - Nix isn't all that amused when he watches the goo-fest that is Michael Rooker's latest.
Slither (2006) - Anubis offers a more detailed review of the James Gunn, Michael Rooker blood and slime Night of the Creeps knock-off.
Smokin' Aces (2007) - Anubis forgets to take his anti-schizophrenia pills this morning as he goes toes-to-toes with an ensemble cast of violent killers that will give you the spins.
Spider-Man 3 (2007) - Anubis joins forces with Spidey to take on three different villains and one shockingly do-able Dallas Bryce Howard.
300 (2007) - Anubis joins forces with King Leonidas in the fight against the Persian army as 300 Spartan soldiers get stabby and the slaughter mounts! Based on the comic book mini-series from Frank "Sin City" Miller.
28 Days Later (2001) - Anubis goes on vacation in the UK and runs into the anarchy it's so well known for when the director of Trainspotting breathes new life into the "rampaging plague riots" genre.
28 Weeks Later (2007) - Anubis heads back to post-infection London for this big studio sequel that completely forgets the whole "brilliant independent movie" point of the original. Oh well, at least Robert Carlyle's in it...
Towers Open Fire (1963) and The Cut Ups (1966) - Nix takes in a William S. Burroughs short film double feature... uhm, take that however you will.
Transformers: the Movie (1986) - Anubis finally sits down with a cornerstone of geek history 20 years after the fact. It's Autobots vs. Decepticons with the planetoid menace of Unicron looking on from above... as voiced by Orson Welles... yes, the Orson Welles.
The Transporter (2002) - Anubis checks out Jason Statham's first round as an action star when he takes the most generic hero name in history and starts a job a driver who will transport anything and everything... as long as it's illegal.
Transporter 2 (2005) - Anubis slaps his head enough to leave a dent in his skull when Jason Statham returns to action with more absurd stunts and non-existent cars as he battles a crack whore and her international cartel running pimp boyfriend.
Vacancy (2007) - Nix checks out what happens when Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale get car trouble and stay overnight in a creepy backwoods motel where there's more to fear than what those stains on the sheets are from...
Vanishing Point (1971) - Anubis goes back to the shakin' '70s to roll the highways with gear head anti-hero Kowalski as he tries to outrun the fuzz from Colorado to California and meets a bunch of hippies along the way.
Venom (2005) - Anubis is tired of teeny-bopper slasher movies, so it's at least a little refreshing to find one that includes a voodoo version of Jason Vorhees.
Virtuosity (1995) - Anubis sleeps through the first big screen battle between Oscar award winning actors Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe as a generically tragic movie cop character tries to stop and an evil video game robot from making his life suck more.
When the Wind Blows (1986) - Millionaire Waltz time travels back to the '80s for this unsettling UK based animated movie that follows an otherwise cute little old couple as they prepare for coming nuclear holocaust as per the instructions of their government.
Wolf Creek (2005) - Nix goes down under to watch some stranded college kids test the Fosters theory as to what's Australian for "Leatherface".
Zodiac (2007) - Anubis shocks and amazes when he passes up the usual bad movie dreck for something artsy and suspenseful... that's actually well done and doesn't suck! Based on the real life killer of the same name. A good alternate title? That '70s Killer
All materials found within these reviews are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writers. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewers and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
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