Dear Harvey

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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 7-30-2002
(from under John’s pillow)

Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from weirdofromafar, WVSciFiFan, Sailoraeryn, Reefrunner, uisceboo, and Peacekeeperchuck. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

Dear Harvey,

For reasons that still unknown to me, I am stuck on this damaged Leviathan with a bunch of incompetents and a fraudulent pilot. However, there has recently been a new arrival who I find very intriguing. Unfortunately, this charming and intelligent man is now being held prisoner by the rest because of some feud he has going with Crichton. Even worse, I am being accused of plotting with him because I once tried to save his life. I really, really would like to get to know this person better, but I don't know how to without being kicked off this frelling ship.

Sikozu Shanu

Sikozu,

Don’t you think you are being rather presumptuous? Just what makes you think this imprisoned person is intelligent? After all, he did get himself locked up. Me thinks that is either a sign of miscalculation (at best), or more probably stupidity.

Also, what is there about you that you are immediately drawn to the one person who is being confined among the rest of the outlaws? You must be pretty desperate to want someone no one else wants, not even the gang you are with. Now don’t get me wrong, I think Crichton is okay as he is keeping me safely tucked away until I can be released, but really you would have me believe that you don’t have a personality defect to be attracted to the one man who is a frellin’ prisoner, and one who is feuding with my benefactor no less?

If you are hell-bent on getting to know him better, then I would suggest you leave the “frelling ship” with the intriguing man in tow. This sounds like a match made in... well, nevermind. And if the prisoner resists your charms, I suggest you knock him out and drag him into a transport pod to leave.

And just why do you think this leviathan has a fraudulent pilot (my, aren’t we jumping to conclusions)? Pilot always seemed fine to me. A more calm and reasoned fellow you are unlikely to find.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

It has come to my attention that a young New York detective by the name of Sara Pezzini has enlisted you for advice. Why she does not simply follow the trail I have left her is beyond me. After all, I arranged for one of my prized collections to be damaged so that that 'weird bracelet' might find its way onto Sara's arm. I sent my own son to watch over her and lead her to me. If she would just come to me, I could make her great! Her name could be revered throughout the ages! And speaking of my son, Ian, I have trained him since birth to be the guide and protector of the woman Ms. Pezzini has become, but he seems to have lost his way, wavering in his loyalty and purpose. He must remain focused or all could be lost! There must be a way to convince both of them of the peril of this situation! Sara Pezzini cannot afford to squander the incredible opportunity she currently possesses! I cannot afford to wait another lifetime!

Kenneth Irons,
Owner and CEO of Vorschlag Industries

Dear Mr. Irons, CEO,

Don’t you think it was rather lax of you to send a boy out to do a man’s job? If you wanted it done right, you should have done it yourself.

And why did you have to devise such a convoluted plan? Why didn’t you just write or better yet, call Ms. Pezzini and offer her a job? You certainly could have beaten the pittance she must be earning as a detective. It may not be too late, the best advice I can offer is to take the straightforward approach and offer her a job with really good benefits. Include dental insurance, which is sure to win her over. And by the way, don’t dither with stock options, as they are no longer in favor. Cash is better.

Then you can settle this issue with you son once and for all. Based on his e-mail last weeken, I suspect that he is hopelessly in love with Ms. Pezzini. Bring her into the corporate family, and then your son will be able to see her in a clearer light, or marry her, whichever.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I too am in a similar situation as you. My master who is also an astronaut does not think that he needs my help anymore. I have tried very hard to please him, but he said all I do is get him into trouble. Even his best friend Major Healey said he is being unreasonable. My master said that he wishes that he had never picked up my bottle on that desert island in the first place. I try so hard to make him happy and will grant any wish he wants, but I cannot grant this one. For it would mean the end of our relationship. Oh Harvey how should I fix this.

From Cocoa Beach, Florida.
Jeannie

Dear Jeanie,

Oh my dear! You are indeed a kindred spirit. We may be soul mates. I know just what you are going through. My master, John Crichton *sob* who I absolutely adore beyond hope, has relegated me to this teeny, tiny... Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off in that tangent.

I have the perfect bit of advice for you. Follow it to the letter and your relationship will remain intact.

Forget he ever made that wish. He is sure to forget it himself. Astronauts have really faulty memories, anyway. If he ever brings it up again, which I doubt, then immediately stick your fingers in your ears and start singing an aria from a Wagnerian Opera. This will not only prevent you from hearing the wish, which if not heard does not have to be granted, but it will also endear you to him.

You at least have the advantage that he isn’t being sabotaged from an outside influence such as I was.

                        ______________________________

Hiya Harve,

Hope you're doing all right inside that metal...thingy.

Okay, here's my problem.

Ever since I left Earth three years ago, I've had the feeling that someone else was running my life. Not like you when the chip was still in my head. I mean the whole shebang. My wormhole research, my love life (or lack thereof), my chances of ever getting home again. It's like someone else is making the decisions about how my life is going to go.

I know, I know, that sound's paranoid. But get this--yesterday I was walking through one of Moya's corridors and found a piece of paper jammed into a crack. I pulled it out and, my God, it looked like a page from a script! 'John said', 'Aeryn said', 'Everyone runs to the command deck'--and I recognized it as something that had happened to us months ago!

Am I right to be paranoid, Harve? Am I stuck in someone else's fantasy?

signed,
John

Dear John,

Thanks for asking, it is a little cramped in here. Hopefully you will find an equitable solution to my present dilemma soon. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but you did ask. I am grateful that you are looking out for me. Uh, have you seen any fudge brownies? Mreen said she sent some my way, but I never saw them. Remember how she saved our eemas before Elack picked us up?

Paranoid/schmaranoid! Why worry? I’m sure it was just a little joke that Pilot played. You know how crazy he can get.

                        ______________________________

Dear Television Enthusiast,

I have been informed that the Command Carrier in your area is now eligible for cable televsion service. Please fill out the form attached with directions to the Carrier so a service technician may call (between the arns of 8am and 5pm) to install your new cable equipment.

Please note on the itemized equipment list that there are extra charges invoked for adapters to Aroura Chairs, portable neural cloning devices, and beings possesing second sight viewing abilities (also called, "picture in picture").

New to your local lineup: PK Bounty-Beacon Network, DisneyUT (extra fees apply), AccuWormhole Forcasting, The SciFi Channel, and FoxKids.

Address correction kindly requested. If you have moved, or received this letter in error, please feel free to pass it on to your neighbors, passing leviathans, or other interested parties.

Thank you,
Uncharted Territories CableVisions

*Bless John, he must have realized just how boring it is in here. Nothing ever happens. At least with cable, I’ll be able to do something in between writing this column.*

Dear Uncharted Territories CableVisions,

Come any time at your convenience. I can be found under John’s pillow 24/7. Directions and the filled out form are attached to this e-mail. I want every channel you have. Money is no object.

                                     ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Haste......really??

Well, I have to admit that my emotions might have caused me to lose focus for a bit.

(Boxes sealed away in the cellar tend to rot away in the dank after so many years. Allowing their contents to spill all over the floor.)

Anyway, my ex-boss just wasn't worth my time. I believe revenge is a gift that you get for yourself. It's something precious, and why buy yourself cheap trinkets, when you can have gold? So, I just left my job one day during lunch a couple of weeks ago, and I don't plan on ever going back.

As for my 'marks' location, that's where the real pickle is. You see, they're so far away getting close to them would be difficult. I could hire outside help to do my deeds, but I don't want to do that. (The whole point of me taking 'self improvement' classes is so that I can come face to face with my marks on their own turf. I want to be able to grind their faces into the dirt myself when the time comes.)

I'm at an intersection now, and I'm worried about the right path to take. One has me dealing with my marks from afar. While the other has me at their gates.

Which path do you think I should take?

Or should I forgo both of these paths and take the third? I can harras them from afar with my stooges so can learn so much more about them. Then when the time comes for me to enter the valley of death my victory will be assured.

Over here, over there.....
The Dentic

P.S. I have also enclosed my former mark's boom box and substantial CD collection. I hope the supply of batteries I sent with it is large enough. When you run out just e-mail me, and I'll be glad to send you more!

Dearest Dentic,

Now don’t be hasty. You are spending your hard earned money on self-improvement at this time. Granted, you have your marks picked out, but how many times have we discussed the merits of long term planning and delaying reward? Surely, you have learned from your first experience that the foreplay makes it so much better. I am not one to advise for a quick but less satisfying pleasure.

You also need to think of the future. How long is the inheritance going to last? If you build upon your first success, which was not at all accidental, then you can potentially make yourself a very wealthy dentic. Just think of the inspiration you will be to all denticdom. You will be able to start a foundation to aid other dentics, thus immortalizing yourself. But you can’t do this unless you continue along the path you have so painstakingly built for yourself and not give into the temptation of immediate reward.

I would not do any of the paths you have suggested. Rather I suggest a fourth. Keep in close correspondence with your marks to gain their confidence. I would definitely not trust this to any lackey. Bide your time until you have a semester break or have finished the course completely, and then carefully select the first mark based on the correspondence you have received from them. Be careful to change the way you handle each mark. It would not do to establish an M.O.

Thank you so much for the CD’s and the means in which to hear them. It will certainly help me pass the time.

                               _________________________________

*Well, that wraps up another weeken’s column. I wonder what happened to the CD’s and Boombox? I’ll have to ask John about that next time he’s on the pillow.*