See What's New

9/28/04 - Holy balls. It's been exactly a year since I touched this website and I have bad news: I have returned. Over that year I learned a lot about loving, living, and...loafs of all varieties...? (I needed an L word.) Yes, I've gained much wisdom about my own life, what I want out of it, and, uh, the different shapes bread can take. So I'm back. I'll try to update more, but only if you people promise to stop IMing me pretending to be stupid so you can be on the site. I get it now. All the middle schoolers on the internet know who I am. Don't think I think you think I'm someone you really know. You should know I know that you know I'm not Derek from your math class. Cut the crap, kids. Oh, and here's the update. It's about college, so that means only 5% of you will understand it. The rest of you have geometry worksheets to do.
9/28/03 - Well, it's been over three months, which makes me not so much "lazy" as "considered dead by the internet." Still, I'm here and I've hand-picked 7 of the dozens of convos I've accumulated over time. So here, read them. This update features several conversations in which I pretend to be people and then ruin their lives with nothing more than lies and sexual harassment. So far sophomore year is much funnier than freshman year, so future updates should be plentiful and satisfying. Also, I'm lying about the updates. I'm still lazy, so go to hell.
6/10/03 - The internet is a beautiful place for people to converge and have intellectual conversations about what most interests them. And since I love violence so much, I talked to some kid and told him about how much I'd like to beat his face in. Fortunately, he thought I was someone else so all of the fist fighting he threatened was actually directed at another person who happened to live down the street from him. Watch the mayhem unfold here or read a brief preface in the AIM Convos section.
4/24/03 - During my second semester of college, which ended yesterday, I took another creative writing course and it was awesome. In this class I was given the oppurtunity to write a couple stories, most of which ended up ending up being mildly serious and therefore unusable on the website. However, I wrote one story for the hell of it and here it is. This may be my last update before I leave college, so enjoy it while you can. Once I'm home I'll be updating from a lameass 56K connection which will certainly make all of our lives miserable.
3/31/03 - Every time I upload more AIM Convos I die a little more inside. Click on over to that page and have yourself a merry little Christmaslike occasion. There, I hope you're happy, Every Middle School Student in America. You get to steal even more crappy ways to threaten people from me while I slowly wish my eyes were pecked out by crows. So there, I hope that you're happy and I'm blind.
3/25/03 - Hey monkeys. I've finally given in and decided to let other people do the content this time. No, I haven't sold out because my brokeass is still broke, ass. This is a favor between two guys I know and a total stranger, so don't any of you weirdos think I'll put up your crappy crap then you can just forget about it, little misters. Still, check out Attack of the Scorpion!!! or you'll get attacked by a giant scorpion. Don't know what that means? Watch the damn video and avoid your fate.
3/17/03 - Ahoy, mateys! There, I've finally started an update that way. Nothing makes a webmaster's life worth living more than casual piratespeak. Speaking of pirates, I did an update about the Irish, who are kind of like pirates. Sort of. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that other than the eyepatch thing they don't have anything in common. Still, it was an effective segue because now we're talking about Irish people instead of pirates. Why don't I shut up now and let you read the damn update? Good, please do that. Also, I think it's great that I do my St. Patrick's Day update the night of the damn event. Still, read my crap or suffer the consequences.
3/14/03 - Well, after a lot of debating and even more sleeping and other things that aren't debating, I've joined the rest of the internet community and started a stupid Blog. Great. I'm sharing my innermost thoughts with a least a half dozen people who don't care what I ate for lunch and how much I hate school or whatever. It only goes downhill from here, folks.
2/10/03 - It's been nearly three months since my last update and I should probably offer a long explanation detailing exactly why I haven't maintained my duties as webmaster of this hunk of crap. But I won't. Up yours, people. I figure I'll cut the crap and flat out tell you that I'm lazy. I haven't been depressed or on vacation or finding myself in Europe. I've been sleeping on an unmade bed and downloading Futurama episodes for the past 75 days. Somewhere in there I went home from college and celebrated Christmas. Okay, so here's another page on Valentine's Day I've thrown into the same folder as all the crap on the gallery. Normally I'd link to the gallery with the word "gallery" but I don't want to because I hate that damn gallery page. Find the link to it on your own and then eat a gun because I hate you. And since I know I won't update for another long period of time, have a happy St. Patrick's Day and a grand Yom Hashoah Sun!
11/25/02 - Hey there, faithful reader(s)! I got off my lazy ass long enough to sit back on it and update the site. Yes, you've waited more than three weeks since my last update only to get this miserable hunk of crap. It's a lovely little paragraph I turned in for School. The great thing is, it wasn't even my homework. Yes, I took the time to ruin someone else's grade by talking about domestic violence for them. And that's what I'm thankful for this year. No, not friends and the way we help each other in times of dire need despite differences in our race, religion, and/or opinion of who the best Backstreet Boy is. I'm thankful for domestic violence. And, seeing as it's Thanksgiving (and I'll be saying it is until I update in a month from now) I'd like to take this time to apologize to the Indians on behalf of all white men. I'm sorry we killed you with our technology and I'm glad you safely made it back to India. Ok, I'm done.
11/1/02 - Yes, yes, I haven't updated in a long time. You pretend to be angry, I pretend to be ashamed, you pretend to forgive me, I pretend to flip you off when you're not looking, etc. etc. Now that we've made up, here's an addition to the Me Page. Awhile ago I started a feature called So Long and Thanks. Well, here's Page 2. It's seriously a pile of crap and I'm guessing none of you will read it because it isn't an AIM Convo where all I do is call some fat ugly girl a fat ugly girl in between sitcom anecdotes. Fuckers.
9/10/02 - Surprise! I'm not dead! Although I'm about as close to death as one can ever be. I'm in college. Before I left, people said goodbye as if I was waving goodbye and hopping six feet down into a grave. Instead, I'm in a room at least twice the size of a coffin. And it even has a bed! So now that I've made my return to my adoring half dozen fans, three of which are myself, I'm going to show you a brand new set of rantings in which I complain about things and do my part to further lower the quality of internet writing. Check here for a new menu page or over here for the new rantings page. Now excuse me while I join a frat and develop a trendy drinking problem.

Hey kids, visit Ned or I'll fucking kill you.
7/15/02 - Every couple of days a random person decides to IM me. Sometimes they think I'm someone else. Other times, on those rare occasions, people actually think that I am me and they either say nice things or try to seduce me. One such girl started an innocent conversation that I quickly ruined. And then we had a little sequel where I'm an even bigger dickhead. See it all here and now on the AIM Convos page.
7/2/02 - I crawled out from under a pile of fast food wrappers and Coke cans to bring you the first page of a feature entitled So Long and Thanks For All the Minor Recognitions, which is part of the Me Page. I want you to read it and laugh with me. And then mail me money. I'll be in college soon, where I will survive on donations and money I get from donating a kidney every week or so. So go read my new crap.
5/25/02 - My countless four years in high school have come to a close, so I'm doing what every other person my age is doing and begging for one last day of attention before I go away to college, where I will most certainly never be heard from again. I'm having an open house. Details can be found here, which is a page found in the Me Section I made to look like every other invitation I received. Read it and I hope to see your smiling face at my open house. Unless, of course, your smiling face doesn't show up, in which case I will bust it with a vase.
5/14/02 - It's almost been a month, but here's that update I didn't promise everyone. I threw together a little page I like to call About This Website, which has been carelessly tossed in The Me Page. I hope you all enjoy it because this update includes a picture of a butt. That's almost porn, and you kids love porn, right? Of course you do. Now go read the update or at least look at the butt.
4/17/02 - I got desperate for an update and took some worthless essays I've written for school and posted them. That's right, I can churn out crap whenever I want. These are two essays on Marijuana and PETA hastily thrown into the School Assignments section. They don't have any swears in them. Not even Spanish swears, which are much better than English swears because you get to roll your tongue as you say the word for "whore" or "donkey" or whatever the Spanish have sex with.
3/31/02 - Hey everyone, it's Easter and it's time for everyone to eat marshmallow birds to remember how 20 years ago Jesus was resurrected from the dead so he could transform into a giant rabbit who delivers candy to children. Instead of giving you cavities like those caramel eggs, I'll give you something much, much better. Here, become sexually aroused when you read a a totally bad ass thingy I wrote about how I'm much better than you currently think I am that can be found on The Me Page.
3/4/02 - New to the Insanity Page is a section where I send emails to a crazy elderly person. I've entitled it Henry Vs Gene Ray and if you don't read it I'll be very disappointed in all of you.
2/13/02 - Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Everyone with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or horse has something to do. I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing planned so I figured I'd write a page on Valentine's Day that I decided to throw in the Stuff Page for no good reason.
2/3/02 - I'm not feeling creative enough to put anything special, so here's the new page. Pretend like you care.
1/20/02 - I finally updated. Holy hell, that took a long time. I've got a bunch of new ideas, so the next update should be some time soon. Of course, that's probably not going to be any time soon. Until that does or does not happen, check my new page about lying to children. Serves 'em right, those whiney bastards.
01/07/02 - Hi. I'm still a slacker, so the page I've prepared is a pile of pidgeon droppings. Read the New Links Page if you honestly have nothing better to do. Oh, and I finally got rid of those stupid scrolling swear words. God, I hated those things.
12/24/01 - Hey, it's Christmas Eve. At this time adults get drunk and you talk to relatives you normally wouldn't talk to. Now read the Christmas Page where you can experience the eighth wonder of the world: my artistic (in)ability. So read up on what Christmas is all about. It's not like I care. I spent about 10 minutes on this page, tops. So skip it if you want. Yeah, you probably will. I want a fan base greater than three people for Christmas. Or a puppy. Mmmm...delicious puppy.
12/07/01 -

Hey kids! Click on Katie's big drunken face to learn about how much of a sex goddess she is.
I'd like all of you to meet Katie. Katie's one hell of a woman and I'd like to share some info about her with all of you. In fact, if you don't take the time to learn about her your life will become even crappier than it already is. I suggest you learn about the sex queen known to all as Katie The Hot Girl Who Talks To Henry Even Though He's A Fuckhead.
11/17/01 - The Schedule Series continues. Here, I talk about voyaging away from the safety of my gun and bomb filled high school to take a class at a community college. It's lacking all the hilarity and comedic excellence you've all become used to not seeing. So go there before I release the hounds to do something terrible that I haven't decided yet.
11/11/01 - The only thing I hate more than the ice cream man would be insects. I hate them. They smell like outhouses, they're rude, and they eat really long bread. Wait, that's the French. Uh...nevermind. Read the page on bugs before I confuse myself even further.
10/24/01 - Remember Sweetest Day? It was last Saturday. It's kind of like Valentine's Day except nobody seems to know why we celebrate it. Not only do people not know its origins, but they also aren't sure why they bother doing all that Sweetest Day crap. Check out another page where I try to be funny but fail miserably here.
10/05/01 - I made the first page in what'll soon be a series of pages. Click here to read about a small portion of my schedule. That is all.
09/08/01 - I finally decided that I should use this pathetic website of mine to advertise myself to the single teeange girl community. As pathetic as it is, I wrote a page about how I'm looking for a woman. All you single ladies, be sure to check it out! All you guys, go there and read it because I told you to. Women with boyfriends can fuck off.
08/12/01 - It's 12:15 AM and I just finished Suggestions to make the world a better place. I think it's good and it'll get updated soon. But not any more for now. I've got the Warped Tour in 11 hours and 45 minutes.
07/19/01 - I finally updated. Since it's still summertime I figured I'd take the time to remind you how fucking retarded school can be. So click here and read about how retarded WLW is.

07/04/01 - Happy 4th of July, fellow Americans. If anyone Canadian is reading this, go to hell. This website is in America, so stop trespassing, dipshit. I'm glad I live in the USA and not in third-world Canada with its mounty and yeti populations. Nothing says "America doesn't need anybody to control them" by having an entire population support foreign fireworks companies. Everybody be sure to celebrate America's independence by going out and buying imported Chinese fireworks!

07/01/01 - I've finally returned from Colorado. After sitting in a car for a total of about five days, I'm too tired to add anything to . So I'll be resting up That's a good enough excuse, isn't it?

06/14/01 - No more school. But don't think I'm about to do something responsible like update or anything. My ass will be unwillingly driven to Colorado for a week or two. If I don't hang myself from a ceiling fan while I'm on this vacation from hell, I'll probably do a big update. Until then, read about how to have sex with a dolphin.
06/04/01 - Added some new graphics on the main page, all of them created using only one buttock. But it's not as if this page was ever created using all of my ass, anyway. Oh yeah, the Stuff Page is new. I'm sorry if it sucks. Wait, on second thought, I'm not. Up yours.
05/27/01 - This is the same night as the last post, but since it's past midnight it's technically the 27th. I added some convos. Read them. Love them. Make love to them.
05/26/01 - I decided to save myself the trouble of repeating "No, I don't know who Bunny really is" by writing a page about who she is. So read it before I rip off your grandfather's fake leg and start beating you with it. Oh, you say it's not fake? Too bad for him.
05/17/01 - Added one convo. Read it or nobody will ever love you.
05/12/01 - My computer was pretty fucked up awhile ago, but now it's all fixed. Don't expect any updates, though. This crappy couple of sentences is as big as my update's going to be today. I'm not feeling creative, so fuck you.
04/28/01 - Okay, I've found a guestbook that I like. It beats the fuck out of the second one I got. I apologize to the three people that signed the previous guestbook, but I'm too lazy to take the old messages and transfer them. There's a new intro page, too, but you've probably already seen that. I got rid of the old page with flash on it because it kept fucking up.
04/26/01 - Made the ME Page. Read it, you bastards.
04/19/01 - Found a new guestbook host. Sure, the new one sucks, but hell, it's a guestbook. I'm not going to complain, I didn't pay a damn thing for it. The Insanity Page got a main page loaded with lameass hidden messages telling you to do things of unspeakable evil. And simply by reading it you will do the bad things because we're all a bunch of idiots according to the media and the school system. I hate them.
04/15/01 - Added that new main page. Of course, that's easy to see considering to get to this page you usually get here from going there first. That's all. Oh yeah, Joey Ramone died today. That sucks.
04/12/01 - May the creator of Guestbook.com find a flaming bag of shit in the living room of the double wide trailer they live in. It appears that the guestbook I had is now gone. They want me to pay money. I'm dead broke. I haven't paid shit for this website and I'm not about to. So until I find another guestbook host it appears that all you're going to get from clicking anything on the guestbook page is an advertisement from the trash at Guestbook.com.
04/09/01 - I got the domain name MindlessNothing.com for free from Namezero.com. The only catch was that they put an annoying banner at the bottom of the screen of whatever website they're hosting. But I got those pig fuckers back. If you visited within the past couple of days and saw that bastard banner at the bottom of the screen was there you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I removed the banner using some javascript trickery I stole from someone much smarter than me. That is all.
04/01/01 - I fucking lost an hour of sleep because of bastard daylight savings time. Oh yeah, and I added commentary to the Idiot Newspaper Article page.
03/26/01 - Took down that fucking "Destroy Everything" banner from the main page (that I stole). Sure it was cool, but it wasn't mine. Kind of like the neighbor's car that I stole. I replaced the stolen banner with something I made in about 5 minutes. Uh...that's all. Oh yeah, here's the banner if you want to steal it like I did
03/23/01 - Added stuff to the AIM Convos Page. Enjoy.
03/18/01 - It's good to know journalism is, for the most part, still a piece of inaccurate shit. Read the Idiot Newspaper Article page to see what I'm talking about. I'll comment on that bastard publication later, but for now I have more important things to do, like build a bomb or some other form of EVIL TEENAGE DELINQUENCY.
03/17/01 - FUCK THE IRISH AND THEIR DAMN DIRTY LUCKY CHARMS
03/13/01 - I fucking hate my school. Three days of ISS for a fucking comment that was didn't threaten anybody. I didn't even fucking swear. Anyway, Marvin wrote a thing. I put it on the Other Stuff page. I'll put it on the sidebar menu later. I don't feel like it right now. I'm too busy reloading my shotgun.
03/09/01 - It seems a certain WLW teacher wants to see me dead...or at least in ISS as long as possible. Along with the three days of ISS I have been sentenced, I've also gained something else: a keen hatred for all that is wrong at WLW (which is pretty much everything). Because I don't feel like having my own words used against me again, I've changed the I AM INSANE page. I'll restore the old one later, but for now enjoy what I've put. Or suck a big wang.
02/24/01 - Added some links. I made this updated about a week ago, but it's tedious to write this stupid update thing that you see before you, so i postponed the finishing of it. It's not like anybody reads this shit, anyway. I'm going to stop writing now because nobody loves me.
02/23/01 - Made the Things I Hate page. I only have one article up so far, mostly because those bastards take awhile to write. Anyway, enjoy that shit. I'm off to shave my back.
02/06/01 - Put Josh's script on the web. Don't ask why. I guess I was just bored. Well, if you haven't been completely mentally handicapped by my website, read Josh's little story and I'm sure you'll be suffering from cerebral palsy in no time.
01/31/01 - That damn Crash Yourself link wasn't working, so I fixed it. I don't know why I keep that there anymore. Kind of like the Amish. Why do we let Amish live? They're not needed. They annoy people. They smell bad. But they're still there. So I'll let that Crash Yourself thingy stay there. And I apologize to any Amish people I offended. Wait, no I don't. They're Amish. What the fuck are they doing here? Damn them. Damn them all to hell.
01/26/01 - Fuck, I need to update more. I put in The AIM Convos Page. I'll add to that probably more than anything because online harrassment is abundant nowadays. I'll probably add a webpage about things I hate later or something. That is, if I ever find out where I buried the neighbor's dog. They want it back. I'm out.
12/30/00 - I put in that poorly-assembled Flash intro. It's not much, but looks better than the other intro page. I gotta thank Sam Haddad for hookin' me up with Flash 5. You're the man, Sam. And I hope everyone is having a happy non-denominational holiday break. I know I'm having a great time getting in touch with my African roots while celebrating Kwanzaa. And I hope those assfucks at KFC drop their Kwanzaa menora thingy on the ground of their crackhouse and set the whole thing on fire. And then I hope the cops come and beat them to death while wearing clown outfits. Because everybody loves a clown. Even if they're striking your skull with a billy club.
12/20/00 - Holiday break, motherfucker. Hell yes. Too bad it ends January 2. That's just downright inbred of our school district to schedule vacations that way. I bet most people will be still hung over from New Year's Eve. Anyway, I updated the title page and added a graphic I made using Microsoft Paint and plenty of free time. That happens when you don't date. Hey, South Park is on. Despite what most people would expect, that show is still fucking hilarious. I'm out.
12/17/00 - Are there no good women? Ilyse is back to her old habits of giving head to men who don't care about her, and this time her friend Lindsay is involved, too. Brian and I find this kind of tragic...so we'll turn it into something we can both laugh at. To see an updated "Fuck you, Ilyse and Lindsay" page, click HERE. Alright, I have to go shave the neighbor's dog now. And yes, it's still dead and buried in the snow.
12/14/00 - This's the third snow day in a row I've had so I've had a lot of free time. I changed around the crappy Omega Code page. Now it's not as crappy as it was before, but it's still nothing really special. Ok, no more updating. I'm going to go bury the neighbor's dog in the snow after stabbing it repeatedly with an icicle.
12/13/00 - I finally decided to make an updates section. I probably should've made one when I first created this website over the summer. Anyway, here's the updates page. Oh yeah, I had the pleasure of chatting with the most ignorant female on the internet, which can be seen HERE. Enjoy.