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If you would like to interview the Sizzling Saucer
Lady or any other SSL alien mentioned or not mentioned
in the OSSLR Alien Reports, then you may submit your question
or your a lengthy list of interview
questions to the webmistress via email or via the
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Ask Sizzling Saucer Lady Questions!
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The OSSLR Interviews Sizzling Saucer Lady
Date of Interview Unknown . Possibly Winter 2003
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Our staff here at The OSSLR has been attempting to get our own interview with the alien lady for some time now. A staff member of ours had gone missing for six months and upon his return provided us with the following interview. I hope it gives you better insight into what the Saucer Lady is and what her capabilities are.
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She was late. About three hours late. A known speedster, breaking the speed limits everywhere she goes, and she's late. Busboys were cleaning up after the lunch crowd using a nauseous smelling industrial table-cleaner-spray that reminded me of my younger days volunteering at convalescent hospitals. I'd been drinking burnt coffee to pass the time. The jitters were just starting as she pushed the glass door open, glided over to the booth I occupied, and plopped down into her seat. Not saying a word she arranged the multitude of enormous bags and heavy coat over to the side. All at once she took the perfect sitting stance of a chairman of the board. I had the overwhelming feeling of being at the worst job interview ever. She didn't look any different than a human. She dressed like any other Earth woman. The eyes were what gave her away. With swirls of lavender-silver, kind of like those silver and gold paint pens, they definitely weren't human eyes.
"Sorry I'm late. A great song came on the radio, then another, and another, and I just couldn't stop driving and miss such a great set of music," she started.
I tried not to be annoyed at this.
"Um, that's okay," I replied. "So you are The Sizzling Saucer Lady?"
"Yes, and it's just Sizzling Saucer Lady. No 'The'."
"Is that what I should call you? Sizzling Saucer Lady." She rocked in seat a bit and bit her lower lip as she thought about the question.
"Well it is a little wordy. Friends and acquaintances call me Sizz, Saucey, or SSL. I prefer Sizz, but I have a fondness for all my nicknames."
"SSL? Are you responsible for the Secure Socket Layer?"
She laughed. "Oh, no. Not me. It is just one of those coincidences. I should never ever be responsible for anything that needs securing-security."
The waitress appeared at the table over, pad in hand, pencils in hair, chewing gum. "Wot cha havin' sweety?" she asked of the alien.
"Do you have popcorn?" she replied in earnest.
"Does dis look like da movies, girlie?"
"Um, no. Sorry. Just like popcorn. I'll have a poppy seed muffin and the fruit cup, and a coffee."
The waitress muttered under her breathe nothing discernible and disappeared.
"Why is it you can only get popcorn at the movies or the dry-cleaners? They are not the best places to eat popcorn."
"Where is the best place to eat popcorn?"
"In a secret garden, of course!"
"Let's move on. You don't seem to have thirteen pairs of tentacles? Certain evidence and even your own claims would have it that you do have these tentacles and even thirteen pairs of eyes. I, for one, can only see two eyes and two arms. No tentacles at all."
"Earthling, do you think that the government of Earth would let me move around freely in my true form? Yes, this rubber human suit is itchy and uncomfortable, but let me tell you buster I am more free than I ever had been before."
I was quiet for awhile. I definitely wasn't going to get myself into any intergalactic political conversations with an alien, so I moved on to my next question, "Rubber Human Suit?"
"Well actually I can transform from my actual form to this one, but...."
"You like to mislead people about your alien qualities, don't you?"
"If that's what you'd like to believe," she said giving me a cold stare. I moved on to a question I've been wondering for years.
"Why Los Angeles?"
"That's easy. I wanted to be a screen writer!"
"Really? A screenwriter? for films?"
"Oh, I so want to see my work some day on the silver screen," she swooned. "Do you want to hear my plot summary of my latest work?"
I really wondered how I was going to get out of this, but she stared at me with that excited anxious smile that so called artists have when they want to show off their work. In an interview, there can be no way out of saying yes. Defeated I said, "Sure."
"Okay, here it is:
"Emily and Anieli seem to overhear more and more rumors about the inner-workings of their apartment building. Every other week, a different group of residents collaborate for love and justice. Severin and the mayor, two of the wacky people who inhabit her apartment building overlooking Wrigley Field, invent the traveling which consists of oddities such as peeling an orange, rebuilding civilization on the ruins of the first French built studio, and repairing household objects while cleansing the earth. Without His investment, the life is comically frantic in the apartment building they share with landlords Fred, their interesting neighbors, and the building's officious doorman. In the mood to waste valuable time building a virtual cow, they also lead the downward slide. After constructing their robots, the builders must send them into battle against colors in order to watch the tension build! Some begin to rebuild the world, taking responsibility for forcing others to build destructive robot monsters such as Grey who combats by driving his flying car to the building the bad guys are hiding in. Then after his tragic death off the Empire State Building, the gang ventures forth to visit a young scientist Dr. Roy seeking an heir and building a Satellite of Love. The political and engineering struggle also happens to be the reason why the building doorman Stuey likes these tenants who are likely cause an explosive chain-reaction in which survivors must rebuild humanity in the face of overwhelming bursts into full song."
She sat there, waiting for me to give the overjoyed reaction she was expecting. How can she not realize that it didn't even make sense? Was that even a plot summary? She is an extraterrestrial alien. She may not understand earth and humans as well as she thinks she does. I must have been lost in these thoughts when she spoke. "So? What did you think?"
"That must have been the most original plot I have ever heard."
"Yeah? Weird because I reconstructed fragments of plots from a bunch of movies I’ve never heard of I found listed on imdb.com. How could I lose by using bits and pieces of movies already made?"
I couldn't answer and realized that I ran out of questions to ask. As I prepared to leave this insanity, Sizzling Saucer Lady was just staring at me waiting for the next question. I reached into my pocket for the popcorn that I prepared for such an eventuality. I flung the kernels at her and ran like mad.
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Our staffer remembers very little of what happened to him after this interview. Police believe that he disappeared for a long weekend. However, they had no explanation for the tentacle shaped bruises all over his body. The OSSLR knows better, but that won't stop us from getting more information about Sizzling Saucer Lady.
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