Dear Harvey - Advice Column
(from under John’s pillow)
Acknowledgements: Thank you Lassievorc, SailorShipper, Tiriel, Reefrunner, wordboy, and WVSciFiFan for your wonderful e-mail, I couldn’t do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Harvey,
This is Sikozu Shanu. I felt you were a little standoffish in your last response to me due to my mentioning of your Scarren heritage. Please forgive me and understand that my people, the Kalish, have a potent hated for the Scarrens as well! As a measure of good faith, please notice that I have stopped wearing my hair in the 'Sputnik' style you criticised. I appreciate your advice.
Scorpius is the HOTTEST item I have every seen or experienced! Those brains, that bod, those LONG legs! Sigh, I'm in love and in lust! Since you basically are identical to him, I would generalize all these compliments to you. Let's be on friendly terms. How can I win his heart the way he has won mine? If I could win him over to the side of LOVE, he may even be more agreeable to allowing you to have a life, body of your own permanently.
"All You Need is LOVE,"
Sikozu
Dear Sikozu,
Well, since you put it that way...
Yes, it is more obvious why you should be drawn to him. He is, after all, my archetype, and that can’t be all bad. Are you sure that you would really rather have me instead? I have so much more savoir faire than does he.
But I see that you are pining for him. Why didn’t you take my advice last week and just drag him off of Moya? You are ignoring my advice, and yet you are asking for more? Is this an intelligent way to behave?
If you are unable to get him to leave Moya, then I suggest you play around with the coolant formula. Perhaps Noranti can help you devise a potion that will force him to be enamored to you, or the first person he lays eyes on after he puts one of the tainted rods in (just make sure you are the first person he sees). I can tell you from first hand experience that she is capable of altering all reality.
If that doesn’t work, then get granny to devise a drug for you so you can forget Scorpius. I understand Crichton might be available. Granted, he is not as smart or as handsome, but he can be quite loveable.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have just recently been tossed aside by my real life counter part for a new persona. For some reason the girl I was a break off of, decided to go and adopt the person of some one named JesusFreek. If that’s not bad enough JesusFreek is driving me nuts... all she does is read a lot of Christian books, reads the bible, watches something called the 700 club and signs Carman at the top of her lungs. What should I do about this annoying new persona of Courtney's?
SailorShipper
Dear SailorShipper,
One of the first things you should do is point out that George Bizet’s opera “Carmen” is about a slut who works in a cigar factory and ruins every man she comes in contact with. Point out the hypocrisy of alternating between being overly religious in one breath and pretending to be a whore in the very next inhalation. On the other hand, Carmen is quite enjoyable to listen to, so you might want to encourage this side and discourage the religious thing. The two just don’t go together.
If the Christian books are bothering you, then you might want to slip in some other reading material, perhaps something of a more adventurous nature, a little light reading such as Mark Twain, or perhaps something from the SciFi genre.
It does sound like you are the balanced one of the bunch. You might want to convince this JeesusFreek to seek consoling as she is obviously experiencing many internal conflicts about her feelings.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
First, let me express my admiration for your unique abilities. I myself have always considered getting into other people's head a rather fascinating pastime, although my true passion lies in the field of culinary endeavors.
Due to an exceedingly inconvenient problem with the impertinence of a certain local law-enforcement agency, I have begun to consider shifting my current activities to somewhat less restrictive locations. The Uncharted Territories come to mind.
The Sebacean species looks rather like one that could be to my taste. So I am wondering and would greatly appreciate your expertise: is it as easy to get into their heads, as it is to get into those of humans? Are they anatomically very similar? For example: do Sebaceans have livers? And if so, how large are they approximately? I wonder how easily accessible certain herbs like Basil or Marjoram are?
My dear Harvey, I would be ever so appreciative of any advice you could give me with respect to moving my little enterprise to the Uncharted Territories.
Maybe we should dine together one day :)
With utmost respect and the greatest sympathies for your current inconvenient situation,
Chef Hannibal
Dear Hannibal,
Thank you so much for your concern for my well-being; it is most appreciated. Why can’t everyone be as kind and considerate as you is beyond me.
I have never inhabited a pure Sebacean body, so I’m not entirely sure about how big the liver is, but I do know that Sebaceans and Humans are similar. I believe there are only a few minor differences, none of which should present serious obstacles to your ability to get to know the individual, and perhaps form some relationships. The main problem with Sebaceans, as far as I can tell, is one of attitude. They are purists, and demand racial purity in their acquaintances. However, unless you plan to impregnate one of them, this should not be an issue as you are 100% human (my assumption, my apologies if I am wrong).
The herbs are another matter entirely. I don’t know what the equivalent to Basil or Marjoram are; you will just have to experiment. Lucky for you, there are a number of people out here who do know about herbs and can probably help you in your search. Why, we even have a culinary master right here on Moya who should be able to help you get started.
Yes, by all means, come on over and visit us first. We should be able to help you find your niche in the UT as well as help you with your culinary quests.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'll be sending you those brownies and the CDs and boombox as soon as I figure out how to digitize them. Hang in there.
John
*Oh, so that’s what happened to my care packages!*
Dear John,
Please hurry. I’m really suffering from sensory deprivation. It is so bare in here.
And thank you for clearing that little puzzle up for me.
Speaking of puzzles, maybe you could figure out how we can play some chess. I miss those games; they were fun!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm having a bit of a problem and I hope you can help me. To explain: I had been living a peaceful existence on a Leviathan named Elack. Now, Elack was near death, and we all looked forward to the eternal rest. Through circumstances too long and complicated to go into right now, I was the sole survivor of Elack's complement of DRDs. After being rescued, I found myself first on a cramped vessel with a crew of...to call them bickering children would be a compliment. When we finally arrived at the crew's Leviathan, a beautiful creature named Moya, I was introduced to the
other DRDs. To say I was given the cold shoulder was an understatement. Can you offer any advice to help me fit in with the others? We are, after all, cousins.
Signed
DRD1812
P.S. Can you also explain the significance of the number 1812? And what does it have to do with the red, white and green paint job he gave me, and the song he made me learn?
Dear DRD1812,
Oh Moya is a beauty, isn’t she. Not only is she beautiful to look at, but also she has a beauty from within. That being the case, I fail to see how it is possible for Moya’s DRDs to be copping an attitude. I have always found them to be overly friendly, never, never so much as hurt a drannit, so I doubt very much that they are giving you the cold shoulder. You might want to look at your own behavior to see if you are the problem, and not the DRDs that were here first.
I’m not sure about the significance of the number 1812. The only thing that makes any sense to me is that he counted all the DRD’s on Elack, and you were the eighteen hundred and twelfth DRD. As for the paint job... You have to understand, John is kind of crazy, in a good way, but crazy none-the-less.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I must say I'm impressed with the advice you've been giving out. I've especially been following the escapades of Dentic, and I agree, you cannot rush an attack on a 'mark'. And there is nothing quite like the fear generated - I live for the fear!
I have a mark that I have been working on for quite some time now myself. Admittedly there is a bit of revenge mixed in as well, which as I'm sure you know can be a motivating factor. I twice had the crew of a ship right where I wanted them - terrified out of their wits and not sure what to do when some discredited religious freak rallied them and forced me to reevaluate my plans. I've been taking extra time and care this time to try and come up with a foolproof plan. I was growing more confident when that freak I mentioned before managed to let herself die, but there is a new possible threat that I definitely don't want to underestimate. The crew of that ship has a new cook who doesn't really seem to be much of a threat - she doesn't seem to have real control over life's energy (frell, she doesn't even seem to have real control of her own wits) - she just uses herbs and potions - but to impressive ends. I don't want to make my move too soon - I want to make sure I've lulled them into thinking our last encounter was the final one. Without revealing too much of the plan, lest it somehow fall into lap of my mark and cause further reevaluation, I am very interested in your opinion on both the method I am currently employing and how seriously you think I should take the cook's potential threat to those plans.
Kyvan (aka Maldis)
Dear Kyvan,
How odd, I think I’ve heard the name Maldis before, but I just can’t place it. I may be confusing you with someone else whom I’ve heard talked about with a great deal of admiration and respect.
Revenge! Yes, it is a joy by itself, and I am heartened to learn that you are not going to be hasty in trying to attain your goals. Ah, a man after my own heart (so to speak).
It is really quite clever of you to have lulled them into thinking the previous encounter would be the last. That will ensure your success, of that there can be no doubt.
Now about being cautious about the cook, whom-so-ever that might be. I’d be very, very careful. We have a similar resident, and as much of a dingbat she appears to be, she is quite wily and cagey. You must be careful! Why the one we have will send your mind to hezmanna and back in the flick of a wrist. For an old bag, she is quite spry. And that third eye, *shudder*, it gives me the creeps. I really feel as though she can see into my very soul (that is before I was imprisoned thus) and do with it what is her will.
If the cook is anything like our wrinkles, then be very careful indeed.
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