Dear Harvey

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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 8-13-2002
(from under John’s pillow)

Acknowledgements: Thank you Peacekeeperchuck, anonymous, Reefrunner, weirdofromafar, Sailoraeryn and NeuralClone for your wonderful e-mail, I couldn’t do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

Dear Harvey,

I'm going to take a step back so I can reexamine my current opperation. I'm afraid to admit that as of right now, my plan has more holes in it than swiss cheese.

*Stupid, stupid, stupid Dentic. Stupidity is rewarded with pain. It's time to take your medicine you little worm...*

Umm...ummm...wwwwhhhheree waass i??

Yes, the plan....I going to take my time and go over all my data. There will be no SNAFU this time around. I will not accept failure.

Failure is worse than death!

Failure is weakness!

I refuse to be weak!

Anyway my 'self improvement' classes have been enjoyable. I passed the API General Rifle course with flying colors. (Top score of the class to be exact. I actually beat the score of the instructor, and he's an ex-navy seal!)

I'm really looking forward to the urban sniper course!

I found out that my 'mark' has family that lives in my general area. Would it be wise to use them to get to him? (My 'mark' hasn't had contact with his family in qute some time though.)

The Dentic

My Dear Friend,

I am thrilled that you now see the error of your ways, and why you should not act in haste.

Equally as gratifying for me is the way you have taken on these self-improvement courses. Yes, they sound like they are doing you a world of good.

Now to answer your question.

Here is the perfect opportunity for you to get in your “mark’s” good graces and absolute trust! One has to ask, why has your mark not been in contact with his family in quite some time? The most obvious reason is he must think they have all died tragically. Think of his gratitude if you should not only inform him that his family is alive and well, but also arrange for them to be reunited. The mark and his family will forever be in your debt.

You can then at your leisure work not only the original mark you have selected, but also include the entire family! This could keep you in business for the next eighty cycles or so.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Being a Neural Clone, are you constantly dependant on your cooling suit? If not, could you remove said suit and post a pic of you clad only in your Hawaiian print suit?

Unsigned

Dear unsigned,

Why is it important for you to know such an intimate detail about myself? And if it is my body you are lusting after, then why are you hiding behind an untraceable e-mail?

I’ll have you know that I consider my body inviolate, and would not dream of putting it on the internet for all to see without first knowing who it is that would be ogling me.

Why don’t you fess up to who you are and send me a pic of yourself? Then I can make the decision as to whether you are worthy of a similar photo.

                        ______________________________

Hey Harve,

We've entered something called Tormented Space (and no, I'm not talking about the state of my head), and right along the border I came across a digitizer. Give me a minute, and I'll see if I can get the thing to work.

I talked to Pilot, and you were right. The script page was an April Fools joke. Don't know where he found out about that one.

By the way, don't invite Hannibal Lector to dinner. Bad juju.

Okay, here goes. Should be coming through right about now—

John

Dear John,

You got it to work! The chocolate is wonderful, and what can I say, the pleasure of being able to listen to Manhattan Transfer, Coletrane, Brubeck, Strayhorn... I’m estatic! You are a prince! Oooh, and there’s the Hawaiian shirt, thank you! *Hmm, maybe I can take this stupid thermal suit off after all.*

See! I told you so, Pilot’s such a joker.

I’ll have to take your word about Hannibal Lector, but are you really sure? His e-mail was so nice and courteous. He sounded like a true gentleman.

So tell me more about this ‘Tormented Space’. Are you sure you are not just imagining it? You have managed to come up with some lulu’s in the past that really didn’t exist, you know. I mean, that whole wedding scene, what was that about? What strange fantasies you have Johnny boy.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I am well aware of your situation with John Crichton and believe, me you have my complete sympathy. I, too have suffered considerable pain and embarrassment at the hands of that frelling human. Surely, you must be eager for revenge against him and I am willing to help you. If you turn John Crichton over to me, I will free you from you cell and give you a new body to inhabit. You see, I have this second-in-command who is just begging for an appointment with the Aurora Chair. Unlike John Crichton, Captain Braca is a very weak man and easy to control. Of course, I'll have to demote him, but that will not stop you from receiving numerous chances for power and glory. Return to the Peacekeepers, Harvey, and fulfill your true destiny.

Commandant Mele-on Grayza

Dear Commandant Grayza,

Uh, I’m going to have to take this under advisement. I will get back to you with my decision on a Tuesday.

*Hmm, getting my own body is quite tempting, too bad it’s Braca’s, eeew.*

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Hello my dear dear friend, this is Jeannie again. Thank you for the wonderful advice. I did Exactly what you said and it worked better than expected, we are to be wed soon. My master loves my singing voice and I'm sure nothing will go wrong again.

And since you have helped me my dear Harvey, I am going to help you. I hear you are having trouble getting items that have been sent to you, yes? Well, to show my appreciation I have digitized them and you can now use them. And I understand how uncomfortable it can be living inside a bottle so I am giving your living space a make over.

~~~POOF~~~

Plenty of large pillows and ottomans, beautiful drapes and the fineness Persian and Indian Rugs. I hope you enjoy it and if your master ever changes his mind and want to set you free, I'll be happy to help.

Your Dear Friend
Jeannie

(((Jeannie)))

I am over whelmed! You have touched my virtual heart. So you are responsible for the digitizer John found. And he was good for his word; he did digitize everything, which I am now thoroughly enjoying. And what did I tell you about the singing, eh? So which arias did you grace him with? Were you Isolde to his Tristan? Please tell me!

And you have done wonders for my accommodations. It is no longer cramped, and I must say you have exquisite taste. I just love these rugs and drapes and pillows. How do you think the Hawaiian shirt looks with these ottomans? Pretty snazzy, eh?

                                     ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Prophecy tells of the coming Darkness, and speaks of One Who Was, One Who Is, and One Who Will Be, who will drive away the Shadows. It also speaks of the Re-union of the souls of the Human and Minbari. To this end I am willing to serve, and to embrace my destiny as a bridge between our races.

However it now appears Destiny intends me to symbolise the union between our two races by marrying a certain Human. The problem is, Dear Harvey, that the man is a boor. In Valen's name, he is impossible! He profanes our most sacred ceremonies by dozing. He is in love with his own voice. If he is not making bombastic speeches he is telling tedious stories about his 'Dad' or cracking bad jokes and laughing at them. He expects *me* to laugh at them. Some days I feel like telling him to jump off a cliff.

Truly the Darkness is upon us. He does not even have the redeeming skill of being able to cook, as he cannot even prepare simple flarn without burning it.

Please, Dear Harvey, help me resolve this situation.

Yours, Between the Candle and the Star,

Delenn.

Dear Delenn,

This is incredible! Are you sure you are not describing John Crichton? He is all the things that you are describing, and yet I sense that he means well. As I’ve never met you, I can only assume that this is a human trait, as John Crichton is human as well (and the only human I know).

However, we are all bound by duty, so maybe the thing to do is to go through with the union, and then dump him off the first cliff you come to. Otherwise, you will be stuck with having to laugh at his feeble jokes, poking him every time he dozes off, and keep a gag on him much of the time. How willing are you to keep that up?

But by marrying him you will satisfy your destiny, and then by dumping him at the next convenient cliff you will be able to relieve yourself of that burden.