Dear Harvey - Advice Column
(from under John’s pillow)
Acknowledgements: Thank you Weirdofromafar, Peacekeeperchuck, uisceboo, Lassievorc, and Reefrunner for your wonderful e-mail, I couldn’t do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Harvey,
I'm a Scarren born many cycles ago to a well-respected family. As a child, I was taught the typical values of my race: courage, duty and hatred of anything not Scarren. Like all the other males of my race, I enlisted in the military when I came of age. For several cycles, I served bravely and heroically, until one day I was ordered to impregnate a Sebacean woman as part of our hybrid program. I performed my assignment, though the woman nearly escaped, and received a commendation for going above and beyond the call of duty. However, it never occured to me then, that I would be haunted for the rest of my life by the woman's screams. A short time later, I left the military to pursue my childhood dream of being a musician. For many cycles, I wandered the galaxy, performing on countless different worlds. Then one day I heard that my hybrid son had escaped Scarren custody and joined the Peacekeepers. There, he became one of the most powerful enemies my people has. Now, I am filled with an overwhelming desire to meet with my child and tell him of my life. Although I know he will never forgive for what I did to his mother, it would be nice to at least sit down and have a drink with him. But how can I approach him without being shot on sight? I am turning to you for advice since you, as a replica of my son's personality, should know him best.
Wolish
Dear Wolish,
So, I have you to thank for my existence, do I? How’d you like to be kept inside a small metallic cylindar 24/7? Maybe you deserve to be shot? Did you ever think of that?
Well, I shouldn’t be bitter, after all, I am, and therefore I do owe you the advice you seek. Follow these instructions carefully and you shall be absolutely successful.
You must go to Scarran high command and convince them it is foolhardy to even think of attacking any of the other races. This will only serve to get your people annihilated. Before you can go to Scarran high command you will need to prepare. Therefore, you need to start a grass roots campaign in opposition to the current political thinking. Only after this movement gains considerable momentum will it be prudent to go to the high command. You will now be the opposition leader. If they stubbornly do not listen to reason and popular sentiment, then demand elections and get yourself into power.
Once in power, relinquish control of the outer worlds that the Scarrans now subjugate to give credence to your newly found peaceful and munificent intentions. Once this has been established, open your home world to tourism, as I’m sure many different peoples will be eager to visit.
Now, as a popularly elected leader, you will invite your son to visit you for a chat and beverages. How can he resist such an invitation and an opportunity to get back to his roots? It will be a most heartwarming and touching moment, and there will be zero risk of being shot.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I heard that war is the closest of all relationships.
So does this mean that you get more out of hating someone verses loving them?
Then again love is a battlefield.
Or is it, love your enemy 'cause it will drive 'em nuts?
My head hurts,
You don't need to know
Dear unsigned,
You know what they say? You always hurt the ones you love.
Now if that doesn’t capture all this love/hate/war stuff in a nutshell, I don’t know what does.
So, it would appear that the best thing to do to your enemy is plant a big wet sloppy kiss on their persons. That will drive them nuts; they won’t know what to do. After that, just strew flowers in their path to further trip them up.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I am a litt...um, slightly concerned. There is this man I care deeply about, and I want to recreate with him in the future, if the time ever becomes right. We have enough obstacles to this happening, but in Cholak's name! Last week was the worst. These alien bounty hunters invaded our domicile and, to make a long story shor-- um, brief, they used this device to shrink us! We were able to return ourselves to normal size, and we seem to be proportionately equivelent to our original sizes. This man, the one I mentioned, had his size changed many times over -- small and large and small and large, over and over. It was dizzying, and I am surprised he ended up the correct size. That is my worry. Some of the time the device wasn't aimed that...precisely. He looks the same on a quick glance, but I have not been able to examine him too closely. What if he is not completely proportional? I need to know: does size really matter?
yours,
Reconstituted Ex-Soldier Girl
Dear Reconstituted,
Size does matter. You will have to examine everything closely to see if you are still compatible.
On the other hand, are you still proportional? You did say you went through this procedure yourself.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have some additional suggestions for you to enhance your current existence, using various technologies now at your disposal. The digitizer is an excellent tool. Spend some time considering what other media or reading materials you would benefit from. The Coreeshi reduction technology provides for some interesting possibilities. Since you now have a more attractive living space, maybe you'd like to exercise your hospitality skills. Maybe even John Crichton could temporarily miniaturize and come for a visit! Since I am an, ummm... unique life form myself, I try to avail myself of very available opportunity for experience and growth.
Sincerely,
Lt. Commander Data Sung
Dear Commander Data,
Thank you so much for these excellent suggestions! It would be so nice to talk to people face to face. I don’t know if the miniaturization can shrink people down quite that much, though, and if they will even be in the right format, because then they would have to be digitized. Maybe they can try it on Rygel first.
Am I to understand you have engram technology at your disposal? Possibly this would enable the people here to share their brain waves with me so that I might be able to talk to them face to face, as it were.
I hope you will be able to do this soon, as it would be nice to talk to people face to face instead of just through e-mail.
I am anxiously awaiting your further suggestions,
Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Tormented Space is...well, difficult to discribe. It's an area that's known as a wormhole nexus, and it's been tough on Moya being here, but even she agrees we don't have much choice. It's an area where apparently only criminals go, so the locals on the planets we've visited haven't been real happy to see us arrive.
The wedding scene. Chalk that one up to Granny and her herbs. Never knew herbs could give you such a bad trip.
I'm sending you a game-pod that Chiana picked up a couple of weeks ago. It's based on Stark's memories and those of the other Crichton. The game-Stark blames me for Zhaan's death and set up a cute little trap for me in it, but since you're not me, you shouldn't have any trouble. Chi had no trouble getting in and out of it on her own. When you want out, just say, "I want out."
There are two things I want you to do while you're in there. First, I need you to check and see if there's any wormhole knowledge in there from the other Crichton's memories. And second, I want you to have fun. The first level takes place on the Gammak base, and you get the blast the photons out of Scorpius. Not as much fun as blasting the real Scorpius, I know, but fun anyway.
Signed,
John
Dear John,
Bad trip? The wedding was beautiful... well, if you ignore the way it ended. It was a good trip till then, eh Johnny? And that dress! Now Aeryn really looked smashing. Those tough commando outfits just don’t do her justice you know.
Thank you so much for the game. It will be such fun to see other people, even if it is only virtual reality. It is not much different from what I’m experiencing now, only less lonely.
I thought you solved the wormholes on Elack? Don’t tell me you lost it! Serves you right for burning out your brain cells on distillate of food cube. *Sigh* I’ll look.
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