When I was in high school, I played football. I have no illusions here. For the team I was on, in the city I was in, I was...uh...servicable. I showed up, I worked relatively hard, knew my assignments, played hurt. But let's face it...(insert any offensive lineman you've heard of, here) I wasn't. To the best of my recollection, my coaches never gave me a compliment, except for once. One time, one of them said that I knew what I was able to do physically & mentally and made sure I did that. I'm sure I just made it longer than the compliment actually was, but you get the point. And I think that's pretty accurate - even today.

Having said that...I can't wrap to save my life. (Some would say I can't rap to save my life, either) Christmas is a freakin nightmare. It's as if when December 25th comes near, the Jew part of me takes over...I can't wrap a box, a book, a baseball card. I just ain't got the skills. Too much tape, too much paper and I'm surprised I haven't cut off a finger by now.

If I'm ever out of a job, I know I could do things like wash dishes, dig ditches, build lockers, whatever...but if I had to work at Sears wrapping gifts, I'd end up homeless.

So now it's Christmas...and if I were able to follow my coach's compliment, I'd throw all my gifts in garbage bags and just hand 'em out that way...I'd even tie them with ribbon...hmmmm...maybe next year.

I used to try to not do the gift thing...or I should say get others not to do the gift thing, but no one would ever listen. So I wouldn't feel like a schmuck I'd do the typical guy all-my-shopping-on-christmas-eve thing. Almost made me wanna take up heroin. So now I decided that if I was going to be buying people stuff, I'm going to make it at least stuff I can live with (relatively). Stuff from local or even African or South American artisans. Yeah, I know...my 3-year-old nephew didn't get the significance of the Xylophone made from wood & gords from Nigeria, but god damn I had a good time playing that thing before I wrapped it. I think I was jamming to some Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise, if I'm not mistaken.

Just wait...this year, my relatives on the West Coast are going to think I've lost it but damn it, if I'm going to be consumer boy, I'm going to try to save the world at the same time. Multi-tasking!

Don't get me wrong...I don't mind buying stuff for people I care about. I'd just rather do it because I see something I think someone would like, even if it was in August. In fact I'd probably do that anyway if I wasn't such a dumbass with money.

And now that my nephew is 5...if he still doesn't have fun on that zylophone, I'll take it back. That thing rocked.