Sometimes, it pays to not read carfully. (thanks to Mahablog.)

In case you missed Kim's comment, she recently changed the address of her blog that I told you about before. Meet the new site...same as the old site.

I've been in a serious funk lately. There are a handful of reasons for it, none of which I'll go into here (lucky you). Because of it, I'm not going to get into anything too serious - when I go off on something I want it to be because I'm serious about that subject, not because I'm pissed at 12 other people. So instead I thought I'd throw up...uh...I mean post the e-mail conversation I had with Kim from Anyone's Girl about our Gay Lover Bob (GLB).

I don't really have a GLB (I swear, Mom)...just check out the conversation, then join in on the fun if you want (for context, go to the original post):

K: "It may add a bit of homosexuality that you may think is missing from your layout."

W: "I so wish I was gay! I'd be a great fag...all my gay friends think so. What do you call a straight guy who hangs around lesbians? A dyke hag? It's just that sex with guys thing. I can't seem to get over that hump. (pun intendend - of course)"

K: "You wish you were gay? I think it's safe to say that is the first time I have ever heard that from anyone. The sex with guys thing is a pretty major component in being gay. I always thought if I were completely les I'd end up with some lumberjack woman who wears nothing but flannel and slaps me on the ass when I walk past. If i were going to go all the way with it I would have to find someone who has the same taste in clothes and shoes as I do. If I'm not getting more shoes out of the deal it just ain't happen."

W: "I wonder why guys aren't into wearing each other's shoes? We can't be THAT homophobic, are we?"

K: "Because loafers with tassles or sneakers aren't that cute. Now, a pair of high heeled pumps are lovely."

W: "Good point...I don't see the following coming out of mouth any time soon: 'Hey Bob, those are some sweet Reeboks you're sportin. High tops really get me hot!'"

K: "How about, 'Bob, when you burp the alphabet I can't help but get a woody. Come here you big hunk of man you.' Hey, this is fun!"

W: "'Oh Bob, when you give me that 'come hither' scratch, I'm like putty in your now smelly hands.' (I'm starting to feel sorry for Bob)"

K: "'MMmmm Bob, please let me pull your finger again. I love how you fart on me. I'm on fucking fire for you.' Bob's gay and kind of a scumbag."

W: "'Come on Bob, surf for porn all night while I lay in bed alone, you fucking tease.'"

K: "Poor Bob. I'll never again meet a Bob and not think of you. Men are so disgusting we could this for all eternity and never run out of material. 'Bob, I love when you give a me a Dutch Oven. Your farts are like garbage and you know that garbage makes me want to blow you like a champion. Bring that stinky ass over here you hairy bastard.'"

W: "Damn! I was going to do a Dutch Oven one... 'Oh Bobby-boo, please leave more of your clipped toenails in the rug. It's like walking on rose petals.' You're it."

K: "'"Bobby,I love when you leave your tracked up boxers on the living room floor now come get me you stallion.'"

W: [recreated the best I could] 'Hey Stud, if you play that Molly Hatchet bootleg for one more hour, I'm gonna get so hot I'm going to rip off your clothes with my teeth.'

I then decided that my Gay Lover Bob (GLB) would probably not be into Hatchet bootlegs so I revised the musical selection to: Europe's Greatest Techno Hits.

As you can see, Kim's awesome. If only she were an emotional psychopath - I'd probably fall in love with her.

Feel free to add your own comments to our Gay Lover Bob. Remember, this is in fun...no "bashing" or I will delete your ass.

I work nights (for now). I don't get to see Letterman that much. Fortunately, this clip was posted on Crooks & Liars.

It is a political work of art.

I'm not going to blog on anything else tonight. Feeling kinda funky - I wouldn't enjoy it, neither would you.

I'll give it a shot tomorrow.

To try to explain the thought process that got me to this self-observation would ruin the moment, so I won't bother. But I'm ready to reveal a couple of things. The first is a "duh" kind of thing...the other is a bit more disturbing.

I've been trying to post a demo of the new song Big Balloon Head for a few days now. At first I was having trouble getting the guitar down. Too fast, too slow, muted strings...eventually I realized that it's just a demo so I shouldn't worry about it. Then the vocals. Man, I was struggling. Then I realized...

Hey dumbass, you can't sing.

Oh yeah...I forgot about that. For a minute I actually thought I was a musician. And I haven't even been drinking. So no demo for now. I've got a session with Robert on Tuesday. We'll see if this can get ironed out.

**********************************************************************************

There's just too many things happening all at once to explain how this realization hit me. When it comes to sexual...uh...proclivities, pretty much at the top of my list is sound. There really is nothing like the sound of a woman's voice (this is a generalization of course - there are exceptions). Even in music I listen to...I prefer female vocals over male.

Now if this female voice is saying something hot...well, that's pretty much all I need. From this, I think the hottest thing I've ever heard was Lauren Graham in the movie Bad Santa:

"Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa"

I really don't know what this means. Probably that I need help. My friends know how much Christmas annoys me.

Ho! Ho! Ho! I guess.

No comment...

The Lone Patriot

On Wealth-and-Health, Democrats Are AWOL

I just took a look at the site statistics for the past week...

Uh...there were actually more than 3 of you who ended up here because you Googled "Sexmom".

That's messed up.

Arrrrgh!

I'm seriously getting tired of posting about politics. I want to talk about sex. Well, actually I want to have sex, but that's an entirely different issue.

I want to talk about music, the absurd relationship of parents & their children and a whole lot more...

But these freakin Democrats just keep pissing me off! I guess I'm being paternalistic if I implore them to grow a set of balls...or even one ball...

Pseudo, Wanna-be and true Progressives....what makes you think things are going to be that different if Democrats take over Congress in the 2006 elections &/or the White House in 2008? Seriously.

First, read this. The Patriot Act is up for renewal and people...crazy-ass people...are trying to make it more severe and permanent. Russ Feingold is trying to put amendments on it that doesn't turn this country into a facist state. There was a vote today that rejected Feingold's amendments 96 to 3. Byrd & Jeffords were the only ones who voted with Feingold.

Stop for a mintue & think. My Senators...your Senators voted against this...Clintonbagger & that Old-lady-shouting-down-warmonger voted against this. Barbara Boxer, who I was ready to make sweet love to, voted against this. Come on, Teddy...someone woke your fat ass up over Alito. Did one little tantrum wear you out? Stalwart Democrats...are letting the Patriot Act become permanently entrenched.

Just a hint of a testicle...can we see just a hint.

What battles are they waiting for?

Looking over the posts for the last few weeks...man, I really have been hitting the political stuff hard again. So, let's get into a little bit of sex.

Awake, now?

What happened was I was following some blog links and...uh...came across Kim's blog. First of all, the stories are really hot. Anyone's Girl is not for the kids and we may have to turn a hose on you if you spend too much time there.

Also, her site has this cool effect when you go over links. So I threw her an e-mail to see if it would be OK if I lifted the code for it. Turns out she's pretty cool herself. She did note that the effect would give whitee.com a more "homosexual" look. But I've been taken for gay before (and by people other than my parents) so it's no big deal to me...besides, I'm going to see if I can change the color from pink to something else...like hot pink.

So go get your beach towel and head on over to Anyone's Girl. Kim rocks & her stories will give your pants a brand new happy fit. You can tell Kim that Whitee sent you, but I introduced myself by my real name so she probably won't know what the hell you're talking about.

As for the effect...well, it turns out it's a little more complicated than just cutting and pasting the code. So when I have an evening to consume some Tasty Beverages and screw up the site, I'll give it a shot.

OK, I'm only going to talk about this once, then I'm done with it...

Dick Freakin Cheney...

Look, the whole thing is fishy...I'm not saying conspiracy, Cheney fucked up and he and his posse are such lying bastards that they just cannot tell the truth about anything. I'll bet if he found a cure for cancer he'd lie about it. It really seems to be patholological...for all of them.

Of course Dick & Co handled this all wrong. The wrong person informed the public in the wrong way...Scott McLiar actually started to blame the feebe who got shot...maybe he was dressed like a slut so he was asking for it...I don't know. You don't have to watch CSI to figure out that bird pellet isn't going into someone's chest from 90 feet (unless dude was hunting topless - which brings on a whole new batch of problems).

And then...you HAVE to see this video clip of Press Secretary Scott McLiar. It's 8 minutes long. He continues to say I will answer your questions then says he won't answer any of the questions. It's really unbelievable. Check this out.

"Daddy, what did YOU do at work today?"

The ironic thing here is this...Dick is responsible for the deaths of thousands & thousands of people. He has sent countless of people to their deaths in illegal military action...and as usual he's never served. Well...he's finally shot someone. This doesn't give you street cred, Dick.

But here's the thing that really bothers me...IT'S MAKING PEOPLE TAKE THEIR EYES OFF THE BALL!!! There's an illegal war going on, domestic spying, Katrinagate and on and on and on. Don't lose focus, sheeple. 2006 Elections are coming up - more of which I'll talk about later.

******************

OK...the one funny thing from this...because the old feebe got shot in the grill, people are now referring to a facial as a "Cheney". I never really understood the turn on of a facial...but that's funny.

If I had the energy I would go on a rant about Valentines Day...but I'm too beaten down right now. Instead I'll just hit you with this unrelated little tidbit...

At 10pm tonight I realized I had been wearing one black sock & one blue sock all day.

And appearently I still don't know how to iron a shirt.

At the risk of sounding like a chauvanist...I think I may need a wife...not to iron for me, but to just not let me out in public.

Hopefully this reference isn't too obscure...

I just lived a There's Something About Mary incident. Normally that would be pretty cool because I like that movie...but it's the scene and the character it makes me that sucks ass.

(no...not the hair gel scene...I wish)

Nope...because it's me, it would have to be the last scene where all the wackos come together to make that final "push" to get Mary. OK, my thing today wasn't exactly like that, but it was a room full of people, with a "Mary"...ex-es, wannabe's, kind-of currents...it was a bit surreal.

The thing that sucks is that pretty much makes me Pat Healy.

Damn.

As Carl from Caddyshack said after cleaning the pool...

Here it is...

The first song written in a long, damn time. Big Balloon Head. Again, not Stairway to Heaven or anything close, but it's cute and I'll freakin take it.

I'd say about 30% of it is based on truth, 50% of it is based on wishful thinking and the rest is just needing something that fits. That's showbiz.

I'm actually having fun playing it, too. Probably because it's a simple 3 chord wonder.

Let's see if I can eek out another one.

Finally! A new song. OK, it's not Stairway to Heaven, but it's a freakin start. It's been a couple of years for crying out loud. Big Balloon Head. I have a couple of lines to clean up, but I'll throw lyrics up in a day or so. It'll be an old-time blues kinda thing. I'm having fun playing it.

Some people seem to be able to write songs about any thing at any time. Just make it up. I guess I'm not one of those people...I gotta have the drama.

=======================================================================================

This could actually be the end of the universe. I stumbled upon this tonight:



Holy Freaking Crap! This is so stupid that your head wouldn't even explode...your head will implode if you watch this. No, you can't even look at the box. Look away, dammit.

======================================================================================

My only note from the Coretta Scott King funeral...I was always mystified by black folks treating Bill Clinton like a brother, but Hillary? Hillary? Come on, people. If she's "black" then I'm going to be Queen of the Puerto Rican Festival this summer.

Long Live the Queen!

I had planned on posting some big ole' thing...a philosophical, why-are-we-here kinda post, but then I went over to Crooks & Liars and started looking at some of the stuff I've missed in the past couple of days...man, I need a shower after looking at this crap.

I don't know if this is on purpose, but let me give you some links to some of the video posted and you can put the rest together. But again, I do this with sadness as I know the 3 people who come here are already on the same page...

This Boehner guy is just flat out sleezy. Tim Russert's a big tool, but even he couldn't make this guy look like anything other than a sleezstack.

If you have children you should find Boehner and slap this guy sillier.

And why do we allow this crap to go on and on and on and on? Steve Colbert tells you why.
[baaaaaaaaa...baaaaaaaaa]

And last...you're going to laugh, but face it...it's f-ing sad and embarrassing. The War Criminal.

I'll get to the long-winded philosophy later.

Again, I was going to blather on about the State of the Union Address, but f-it. That lying war criminal didn't say anything I wasn't expecting...oh...except that man-animal hybrid. What the hell has that guy been smoking? I know he has speechwriters, but come on...and cyborgs are coming to get us. The guy isn't smart enough to be a geek so what's up with the science fiction?

Any pundit who said anything positive about this speech is a tool.

Then there was the Cindy Sheehan thing. I'm not going to really talk about the incident at the SOTU...I want to talk about a post-t-shirt interview.

Cindy was on the Stephanie Miller Show Here's the mp3 of the interview. I don't know how long it'll be up so check it out when you can.

Appearently, Cindy's thinking of running for the US Senate against Democrat Diane Feinstein. Miller was on the air trying to talk Cindy out of it...her reasoning is Feinstein is a Dem and this is a time we have to stick together. I gotta give her credit, Cindy stuck to it...she said it - Feinstein voted to give the War Criminal the power to attack and since we know there was bad intellegence she is still supporting it (like Clintonbagger). Cindy isn't a politician, she's a peace activist, so if she's running, she's running aginst a warmonger...party doesn't matter.

That's the point I've been making for a while now. As long as you act like you have no choice but to go Dem, they can do whatever they want because they know you're such a f-ing pussy that you won't vote your conscience. You will vote and give money to the lesser of two evils. Then you can't figure out why there's such a crappy government. Cindy may run to get Feinstein to the left!

Then there's Stephanie Miller who's willing to cowtow to anyone who's a Dem. This isn't picking your favorite team. If ANY politician doesn't do what you want you shouldn't vote for him/her. Period...end of story...take a hike...grab a buttsteak.

I had all this stuff I wanted to post on...The War Criminal's criminal performance in the State of the Union Address, sex blogs and more. And I'll get to that stuff...but the only thing I'm leaving you with is this e-mail I got from a friend:

On FX, they've been running these promotions for yet another reality show, in which a black family and a white family are covered in make up to become "members" of the other race, and they then trade places.

So... right after the umpteenth promotion, there's an ad for Oreo cookies. I hope someone at FX noticed the irony.

One more reason not to miss cable...

If you watch that show, you're a f-ing idiot. If they did something like that on...I don't know...there isn't a channel I would trust with something like that. Hey...let's take advantage of our institutional racism to make money! Cha-ching!

Bite me...hard.