I've suddenly become Carl from Caddyshack. Standing around while I have work to do, making obscene proposals under my breath. But it's not to some middle aged golf frau. Nope. I have a specific target in mind.

I don't usually use this blog to speak to a specific person, but in this case I just can't help myself - because I've found my own little "monkey woman". And she is definitely "lean, mean and not too far in between."

Now normally, I'm Dr. Sensitive Guy. Chicks dig me, but as a buddy. It's been frustrating, but I've accepted my lot in life. I grew up around women so I treat them as I want other guys to treat the women in my family. Unfortunately, that's how I get called "chief" a lot, but that's my personality and I don't have the attention span to act like an asshole to attract some skirt.

I like women who are independent, intellegent and can carry a conversation. Oh sure, I like a woman to be a slut in the bedroom (other rooms as well), but she's gotta be able to put a sentence together...have an original thought.

But all that may be changing. I may be coming around to the manly way of life. I have a new love who has sparked an intense interest in the "dumb blonde". Now, my liberal friends may be disappointed - maybe even shocked by this new revelation, but I have to be honest with myself and the public...

Ann Coulter, I want you. I want you, bad.



"Ann...you wore blue so you could hide from me...you're a tramp!"



James Carville, you can have Mary Matlin. You're a loon, anyway. I want Ann. She's everything I don't like in a woman: (fake) blonde, skinny, reactionary, stupid. I think that's why I love her so much. Ann, if you're so down with family values then, god damn it, I want to provide that kind of life for you.



My dearest Ann, I want you to be the red-blooded, American woman you think all the rest of the June Cleavers should be. Ann, I don't want you worrying your pretty little head about such things as who went to Vietnam or writing those big heavy books. That's men's work and you know it!



Oh my darling Ann, I can't wait for the day we can be together. It will be our own little slice of heaven. I'll be at work all day having phone sex with my subordinate and buying her vibrators, while you stay home and raise our 8 Aryan children. Every night, when I'm done drinking with the guys, I'll come home for a home cooked meal and some lovin! And I know you won't be sassin me none, my little cheese danish, because as a good Christian woman, you know your place.

Schnooky lumps, you know I have a Weapon of Mass Destruction just for you. There's an insurgency in my pants that is out of control. Be a good American. Invade me, Ann Coulter.