[The following is satire and is not intended to be taken seriously. Everyone at the Office of Homeland Security can chill out and continue to waste our money and screw up our airports.]

Dear King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden,

I realize that we have never met, but I'm writing this open letter to you hoping you will help right a terrible wrong.

I've known for years that your country takes care of all its people whether old, young, disabled, mentally ill or conservative. You have a great, universal health care system and your discrepancy of wealth is one of the lowest in world.

I've read online that your cities are clean, there's little blight and that everyone lives a pretty good, middle class existence.

Your Excellency, in the United States we have a growing base of people in poverty. Our cities are crumbling and are filled with violence and hatred. We have an infant mortality rate (as well as adult literacy rate) that is worse than many third world countrites. A few people keep getting richer and richer as our government makes it more difficult to file for bankrupcy. Our civil (and human) rights are being taken away from us, if fact I may have the FBI at my door just for posting this. We need to be liberated from this oppression.

That is why I am inviting your country...no...begging your country to invade the United States.

I know, this may seem drastic, but I am only using my own government's logic. Before you make a snap judgement, hear me out.

We invaded Iraq because supposedly they had weapons of mass destruction. They didn't, but we sure do. Tons of them. You won't need weapons inspectors, we brag about our WMD's. We're trying to make more. And we have them aimed at the rest of the world. If that's not a threat, I don't know what is.

Then we said we invaded Iraq because we had to get rid of a cruel dictator. Our dictator is responsible for killing people all over the world. He is killing our poor folks right here by increasing pollution, taking away health care and then stealing...I mean privatizing our retirement money. And as for the dictatorship, our poor people's votes don't count anymore as our dictator rigs our elections and he makes our teachers use the worst propaganda imaginable. Our kids are growing up as dumb as box of hammers and we have the test scores to prove it.

Now we're staying in Iraq because the country would implode if we didn't stay there and put in our own puppet regime. Well, our country is imploding and we need help!

I know, this is a radical idea and you have no real cause to invade the United States, but think of all the lucrative contracts Swedish corporations can get for rebuilding our cities. Heck, they're in such bad shape now you wouldn't really need to do any bombing. I'm pretty sure all you would need to do is take out a few Starbucks and all the white folks would see the hopelessness of fighting back. And most of the black & latinos are too busy looking for jobs.

Your Excellency, don't think of this as an unprovoked attack, think of it as a humanitarian mission. I've never been too big on monarchies, but if you can deliver us from this hell, I'm willing to give it a try. Please, Your Highness, before it's too late.

Your Humble Servant,

Whitee