This is it! I have found the key! I will now be "pulling the hotties." You wish you could too, I bet. How did I find the way to melt every woman's panties? Simple, my friend.

Today, I took the test to become a Notary Public.

I know what you're saying. This is 2005, women aren't that superficial anymore. They don't just go for someone who exudes as much testosterone as a Notary Public. Thank God this isn't the case. When a chick finds out that yours truly can notarize her signature...sheeeee-oooot. Like white on rice, brother. So I guess I'll need a tattoo...something that says, "Don't mess with me, I'm a Notary Public". Maybe something like the New York State Seal or a unicorn. I know the "in" thing is to have a fellow Notary do it...kind of like a prison tat, but I don't think I'm ready to go quite so hardcore yet...besides, the smell of White Out makes me queasy.

Then, the ubiquitous bumper sticker that says something like:

• Kiss me, I'm a Notary Public


• Notaries do it at their desks


• Notaries always seal the deal


• If you can read this, thank a teacher because I'm sure he or she helped, but his or her certification was notarized by a Notary Public

Hey, punk! I better not catch you in a Notary bar. We'll...um...we'll...well, we sure won't buy you a drink. That's for sure. Punk.

And another thing, you better start shopping for my present for National Notary Public Day...it's November 7th. Avoid the rush, start shopping now! Biatch...

Gee, maybe I should wait to see if passed the test.