What an odd couple of days. There's no big tragedies going on, but just a lot of things that make me go hmmmm.

Not to go too webjournal on you, but yesterday was my birthday. Didn't like it...never do. All I wanted to do on my birthday was play ball - and we got spanked again and this time I played like doody. I don't think of my birthday in terms of "another year older and having no life" but I do have to admit, there are a few things I thought I would have accomplished by now - and wonder if I ever will. I know, that's 99% of us, and I have done stuff I would never have thought I would have done just 10 years ago. I guess the grass is always greener...and to make things even more pathetic is I feel guilty for feeling bad because I know gazillion other people have it far worse then me. So I can't even enjoy my birthday depression.

OK, enough of that gay banter. Let's see...onto other downers...I had the weirdest phone call today. I'm not going to go into the complete background...it would take forever, but let's say it was someone who used to be...um...in the same political/activist camp as me. This person is still an activist, but whereas he used to do it as an "amateur" (i.e. not get paid for it) he now does it as a profession and has since kind of left the rest of his old crew behind - even though he gets defensive when you call him on it. So the conversation was him asking me if I wanted to sell out. The details aren't important for this, but the odd thing was that he asked as if was the most natural thing for me to do and he was a bit incredulous when I told him I wasn't interested. It kind of threw me off for two reasons.

First, I tend to have this habit of when I first meet forceful people: bosses, activists, etc, I tend to be a bit naive...I think they are...well, not superhuman, but have all this integrity. What happens every time is eventually I see them as being human, with all the contradictions and complexities that most of us have. When I see those individuals as being as full of crap as the rest of us, it's a little disconcerting. And this is where I am with this guy. I've considered him a friend...he was one of the people who got me started on my way to this left-wing radicalism fandango. It's odd watching him become part of the establishment...even if it is still on the fringe. But it may just be some jealousy as now he has actual resources to work with and I don't.

The second reason the situation is a bit odd is that I've just started reading this book, the classic Saul Alinksy, Rules for Radicals. This book is kicking my ass. I have to put the book down every paragraph to let what he's saying seep in. I compare what he's saying to my experiences, and while I don't agree with everything he says it's definitely messing with my "paradigms". One of the things he talks about is the whole "ends justifying the means" argument. And even before my conversation today, I was putting Alinksy's arguments in the context of this guy and my previous relationship with him.

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that being an adult sucks ass. While I want to change the world, and I have no intention of not trying, I'd really rather just hang out and laugh until it hurts at Yo Mama Jokes.

Argh...well, I'm going to go listen to today's Democracy Now. That should be real uplifting.