Have you ever noticed how that show Extreme Makeover never goes to places like Watts or Bedford Stuyvesant? It's always in someplace like Buttfuck, Iowa.

Dear Highstrung Gaylooking Guy,
My name is Lonzell Taylor, I live in a 25-year-old pre-fab "townhouse" built by a bunch of crackers who felt guilty for putting all of us in tenemants back in the 60's. My house is riddled with bullet holes. The picket fence is nothing but a bunch of sticks. Water stains are on every ceiling. There are 8 of us living in this 3 bedroom hell hole. Me, my 72-year-old Mama, my Uncle Oshawn, who hasn't had a job since the Carter Administration, his girlfriend Dontice and their 4 kids (though 2 of them are Dontice's from other guys). My Mama's got cataracts, Oshawn's got the gout and at least 2 of the kids have lead poisoning - they run around punching holes in the walls. Our 3 pitbulls, Jesse, Leviathan & Chauncy have dug a bunch of holes in the backyard that the kids keep stepping in. Please help us!
Sincerely,
Lonzell

P.S. Yo man, shave that damn thing off your lip. You look like a dumbass.

I want to see THAT show. Bulletproof siding, fighting pen for the dogs...I wanna see all those helpful neighborhood volunteers in that neighborhood.

I'm just sayin'....

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A totally unrelated thought...

Tonight I realized that there's one reoccurring question that seems to pop into my head every now & then.

"You'd sleep with that guy, but not with me?"

Everytime I end up being some chick's buddy - and then meet some slob she used to be with...that's pretty much the question that pops into my head. Lately, the guy is not the bad boy type. I relatively understand that. These days, it's usually total losers...who smell bad...who just aren't pleasant to be around - as human beings.

You know, if I were ever to become some kind of suicide bomber, died and went to heaven...Allah would line up my virgins...and they'd all call me "chief".

And now that I'm on the subject...what do female suicide bombers get? A bunch of guy virgins? Great. What a bonus that has to be. You blow yourself up and what do you get? A bunch of dumb guys who can't find your clitoris. Thanks, Allah!