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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 8-27-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Peacekeeperchuck, PKAeryn, Lassievorc, uisceboo, AnnieBW, and WVSciFiFan for your wonderful e-mail, I couldn’t do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

*Ack! Where’s John? He’s long overdue and I need him to digitize some e-mail for me. Oh where can he be?*

*Harvey, I will help you, but... you must help me find John.* Scorpius communicated with Harvey.

*Scorpius! What happened to John? What do you want me to do?*

*John fell... through a wormhole. Do you think he went to Earth?* Scorpius asked.

*Oh yes. Most definitely yes.* I responded.

*As I thought. And will you help when the time comes?* Scorpius asked.

*Absolutely! Sir!* I responded, having little choice but to agree.

*Good. Here are your e-mails. Let me know when you are done... And do not linger this time, hmmm.* Scorpius said.

(Publishing from somewhere on Moya)

Dear Harvey,

Is John Crichton dead?

I saw his name in the Obituaries the other day.

Something about him getting into a car accident in his 1962 T-bird.

Another thing, when the hell did John make 'Colonel', I thought he was only a Commander?

Confused in Florida

Dear Confused,

Can’t be! Crichton was last seen hanging around some frelling wormhole. Is a 1962 T-Bird anything like a wormhole? I thought not!

Oh, I get it! (Frelling Dentic) Am I now your mark?

What happened to your other marks? I thought you had them lined up and waiting by your door like a bunch of love-starved suitors. What happened? Did you frell up and give yourself away? And after all this good advice I’ve been giving you. And I thought we were friends.

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I am a Sebacean. I have left the peacekeepers and joined the resistance. But now I'm feeling guilty about killing the people I once fought with. What should I do?

ex-Peacekeeper

Dear ex-Peacekeeper,

Tell me, when you were a Peacekeeper did you feel a scintilla of guilt about killing anything? I thought not. So why feel guilty now? Is it because you have these self-destructive tendencies or did you suddenly inherit a conscience?

However, this may be the perfect opportunity to turn your guilt into something positive. Instead of killing your ex-comrades, why don’t you try to convert them? Proselytise! Spread the word. If you really want conversions, make it a new religion with yourself as the leader or god like Icon. That way, when you are killed by a Peacekeeper, you will rise to martyrdom, and you will then have an army of zealots to take up your cause. Unless, you manage to get yourself killed right away. But just staying a renegade is a sure way of disappearing into oblivion.

                        ______________________________

cc: Harvey

Dear Commander Crichton,

I am a fellow scientist and seeker of truth. I also serve as commander in an Earth-based space administration. I would like to share with you the engram technology I inherited from my 'father.' Having shared some communication with your neural clone, Harvey, I feel this would be a positive way for him to experience interaction with other beings. I admire your work with astrophysics and wormhole technology and I'm certain we can "talk shop" together. I can provide you with the files regarding engram research.

Sincerely,

Lt. Commander Data

Dear Lt. Commander Data,

I regret to inform you that Commander Crichton is temporarily indisposed at this time. I will certainly let him know about your generous offer as soon as we are able to find... er communicate with him.

Would you consider divulging this technology to anyone else?

I am anxiously awaiting your decision.

Your humble servant,

Harvey

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

This droid represents Stark, Maldis & Froonium, LTD. By maintaining an advice column staffed by a digital image based on an original neural image and also by using a digitizer to create representations of trademarked and copyrighted articles and images us now herby order you to cease and desist.

Further activity may cause to take actions against you and your company dear Harvey inquisition and inmprisonment possible so Kindly respond in writing within ten solar days.

65299 Plokavian Litigation Droid

Dear Droid,

You obviously have not read the disclaimer that accompanies each and every column. Parody is protected under some law or other. I know because my lawyers, Dingleberry, Dingleberry, and Dingleberry have assured me that this is perfectly legal.

Please make any further correspondence to Dingleberry, Dingleberry, and Dingleberry. (Let them earn their keep!)

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

Why does Crichton sometimes talk with this funny accent he calls "Skottish", and who the FRELL is Jamesteekirrk?

Yours truly,
Captain D'Argo

Dear Capt.,

I can’t believe you’ve known John for over three cycles and you’re his good bud and you have yet to catch on to his erpisms? Well, just this once, I’ll indulge.

I do not believe “skottish” is an accent at all, but rather a state of being, as in ‘I feel a little skottish’. I think he was taking some of Granny’s fixer-uppers when he felt skottish, and not just a little, either. Man, was he ever tripping! I’ll never for... er, nevermind. Suffice it to say, skottish is a state of mind, and a rather strange reality at that.

Jamesteekirrk is just a pet name he has for um, you. You know how much of a cut up John is, how he likes to call people by all kinds of names, well that’s just his pet name for you. I think it pleased wrinkles just a little too much though.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I've been Sara Pezzini's partner on the NYPD for a long time. Over the years, we've become good friends and developed a high level of trust and understanding. Many times that trust has saved one or the other's lives in the line of fire. Lately though it all that trust seems to be eroding. Really strange things have been happening around her and she's been very slow to talk about it even when asked directly. Worse, nearly everyone around her seems to know more about it than I do. Heck, i even heard about some corporate bigwig offering her a job - from a rookie cop's ex-girlfriend! (Don't know if you know what sort of reputation corporate CEOs have here - its not good, especially of late). Harvey, I don't know how much longer I can stay out of the loop and still trust Sara the next time one of our lives is on the line again.

Detective Danny Woo, NYPD

Dear Detective,

Give her a break will you! You have said she has saved your eema many times and that your partnership is based on trust. Now, just because she wants to better her position in life, you suddenly cannot trust her? Give me a break!

You will HAVE to trust her. She is your partner, and she has come through in the past, she will come through again.

The real question is: are you trust worthy? Why are you suspicious of her? Is it because you are planning on letting her down? Are you jealous that you can’t make more money? Give her a break!

I think it is time for you to examine your motivations. Reflect on what your goals and aspirations are. Give yourself a break!

*Oh Scorpy, this is you ole buddy Harvey.* I called out to Scorpius. I do need him to send the column. Best be on his good side.

*The column is on its way. This is what I want... from you.” Scorpius began his detailed account of how I would help him find John.