|
Thursday, October 12 (35 weeks) Well, I am now a member of the Idaho State Bar. Weird, eh? And Max will be two years old on Tuesday. And we will have another little crying thing in just a few weeks. Argh. Too much to handle. I can't handle much, either. It's tough when I don't have any pants to wear. Nothing fits and what does fit is meant for summer. I've been wearing capris for the past week although it's getting chilly outside. I ordered a pair of jeans from Old Navy, but was very disappointed when I finally got them yesterday. I ordered the only style with a full panel, but it's not a full panel and keeps rolling down. And they're made of that stretch denim, so their tight on my butt. Just what I need. Hello! A pregnant woman who orderd a size large short does not want stretch denim! So depressing. Today I got a pair of overalls I bought on eBay and they're huge. They're Gap size large. When I took them out of the envelope I thought they just looked like big overalls, not maternity. But the way they fit over my stomach seems to indicate they're maternity. OK, so I have one pair of pants I can wear now. What a load of crap it is - retailers telling women to order their prepregnancy size. Motherhood stuff is small - I can wear one pair of medium khakis I have for the first 3 months. I tried on a pair of large Motherhood jeans at a consignment shop last week and they barely fit. Old Navy I was wearing a size 10 before getting pregnant and now their large is tight. And I weigh 20 pounds less than I did when I had John. I don't know about Gap maternity, but these overalls are very roomy. I have a pair of medium Old Navy overalls coming from another eBayer which I hope fit a little better than these Gap ones, and a large pair of regular Old Navy jeans with a real full panel, and a large pair of Motherhood jeans. Between all of these, there should be something I can wear for the next 5 weeks. Aah! Five weeks! There is so much that needs to be done to the house before then. And for some reason I'm starting to think she'll come early and my mom won't be here, so there won't be anyone to help with John and Max or the camcorder. I start weekly appointments with our midwife next week and I need to get all the homebirth stuff very soon. I wish the hot tub was working, too. It would help if somehow a job would have come with the bar membership. We need to try to sell the Tahoe again. *sigh* OK, deep breath. I should worry about something else. Like John's Halloween costume. He's going to be SpongeBob and Max is going to be Gary. I hope I can do it. I wish I had thought of something for myself. There has to be a good costume for a big pregnant woman. Hmmmm. Who would be funny pregnant . . . besides a nun. Maybe a bride. I don't know. Wednesday, October 25 (37 weeks) Well, three weeks to go and I don't know if I can handle it. Between my huge, heavy, overwhelming, physically-draining stomach and my overloaded emotional brain, I don't know where I am (in my body) anymore. Smashed somewhere in between it seems. I talked to a counselor last week. I had to keep stopping to take deep breaths. It was good to unload on someone new besides John and my mom. Like Nancy, she suggested I try to get out of the house a little bit. Just thinking about trying to get out of the house brings tears to my eyes. I mentioned it to John today and got myself crying. In three weeks, I won't be doing much outside this house, away from the three little people I pushed out. My body is a wreck. I can't do anything without having to stop to catch my breath or just sit down. A few days ago I was feeling a bit guilty as I was walking out of Starbuck's when I realized, I won't be seen around there much very soon. Three weeks goes by quickly. So I'm depressing myself. I wish I was happy and looking forward to the birth more. I want to be excited. It's just hard when all I do all day is feed John and Max, clean up after myself, then do it again and again. In between I get to change a few diapers and monitor John's underwear. It wears me out. And there's no break in sight, just another little person to clean and feed and soothe. I'm considering begging people to chip in for a massage, haircut and pedicure for me. Maybe a few hours watching John and Max so I can sit quietly by myself somewhere. I thought about asking John if I could go to a movie by myself this week. He took them to a sibling class last night and I thought I was going to have some time to myself between my Bradley class and their return, but I had just gotten undressed and poured water for tea when I heard the garage door opening. Everyone probably thinks I should have a break, but nothing is happening. The biggest break I've had this week is skipping co-op. I got upset after talking to John on the phone today and after we hung up his mom called. She could tell I was upset and tried to offer a few calming words. That's the problem. Most people are uncomfortable around people who are upset and have no idea what to do. Really, what could anyone do? Uplifting words today, eh? |
|