Dear Harvey

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Dear Harvey –Advice Column 9-3-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you Peacekeeperchuck, Reefrunner, Wordboy, pitdog, CinnamonD, and Lassievorc for your wonderful e-mail, I couldn’t do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

*Frell... Frell... Frell... Frell... Frell! This is too much, really too much. But at least I have access to the e-mail channels and can publish my column directly. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. I’ll just have to weave myself in through Moya’s thoughts and I’ll be able to do everything myself. I just wish she’d take a break from her incessant singing. How does Pilot stand it?*

(Publishing directly from Moya’s neural cluster)

Dear Readers,

You may have been wondering just what has happened to me since John Crichton disappeared down that frelling wormhole. As you know, Scorpius generously relayed your e-mail to me and then sent the column along for publication if I would do just one little thing for him. A little quid pro quo, you might say. Anyway, that little thing he wanted me to do was to work with him from inside Moya’s neural cluster to use the wormhole knowledge I gained from John to help him get us, all of us, to Earth. How could I refuse?

I was able to predict when the next wormhole would open within a reasonable degree of accuracy, so we caught the wormhole express, as it were, while Scorpius navigated to Earth using me as his medium to Moya. We are hovering above Earth, hiding where they cannot pick us up on the radar. We do not see John. We wait.

Other than Moya insists on singing some rather monotonous and toneless song, ad nauseum, I am quite content to stay in her nueral cluster as I have direct access to all communication. We are all learning where Crichton comes up with some of the things he says, and we are all learning English and Spanish through watching the incredibly inane stuff that broadcasts over Earth’s air waves. But it does distract me from Moya’s humming, if you can call it that.

As always,

Harvey

(Publishing from Moya’s neural cluster while hanging somewhere around Earth!)

Dear Harvey,

Frelling Dentic!?!?

What you think that I'm 'Confused in Florida' ?!?!

And you say that I tend to act in haste!

Why you piteous little scum sucking, boot licking wraith stuck in a tube of lipstick!

To think off all the time I've wasted trying to come up with a plan to rescue you from your plight, not to mention get revenge on those who put you there!!!!!!

You can rot in that spark plug for all I care now!

Frell yourself with barbwire,

The Dentic

p.s. I hope the industrial strength magnet I sent along gets really close to your coffin!

Dear Dentic

So this is the thanks I get for all the impeccably good advice I have thus far provided. I am glad to see that I headed you off at the pass and am wise to your ungrateful ways.

I shudder to think what your plan could have been as you were incapable of keeping your mark for life, as my instructions would have allowed you to had you been paying attention.

As for the magnet... well, Scorpius dealt with that forthwith. Also, thanks for sending it as it fixed the froomium master blaster, which was in a state of disrepair ever since we entered tormented space.

                          ______________________________

Hiya Harve,

I'd ask you to remind me never to hang out around a wormhole without a ship, but I'm not sure I'll last long enough for you to do that. Right now I'm hanging in space above the planet Earth, with only my space suit keeping me alive. Don't know how much air I've got, but it can't be much. And to be honest; after my talk with Einstein, I'm not real sure I'm even at MY Earth--

Okay, let me start over. Seems there are these inter-dimensional beings who know all about wormholes. They got a little concerned about my interest in wormholes and arranged to drag me inside one so they could kill me. One of them, I call him Einstein, found out the Ancients stuck all this knowledge in my head and changed his mind. I got a crash course in wormhole do's and don'ts. Part of the package the Ancients gave me was the ability to navigate wormholes. Einstein turned me loose, and I homed in on what I thought was Moya but turned out to be Earth. Only I'm not sure exactly when I've arrived, or if I'm in the proper reality--

Never mind. My head's too full right now. Too much information, not enough time to sort through it.

In case I don't make it, tell Aeryn I love her. I should have said it sooner.

John

John!

We’re here, we’re here! We just got to find you. You must have homed in on us as we immediately went to Earth orbit microts after you fell through the wormhole. Take heart, you are at your Earth... well, the one we are at, in any case.

Tell Aeryn you love her yourself!

*Whew, what luck.*

“Oh Scorpius! Paging Doctor Scorpius. Is there a Scorpius in the house?” I couldn’t resist, they were just watching reruns of Dr. Kildare. *giggle*

“What is it Harvey? What are you prating on about now?” Scorpius wearily asked.

“John’s here.” I said, simply.

“What do you mean he’s here?” Scorpius asked.

“Didn’t you read the e-mails before you handed them over to me?” I asked.

“No, they were for you. I for one, honor your privacy!” Scorpius reprimanded me.

“Yeah, then how did you know to remove the magnet?” I asked.

“You wanted maybe for me to leave it in so you could be erased out in one fell swipe?” Scorpius chided.

“Good point. Here, I got an e-mail from John, *after* he fell through the wormhole. Read it and find him. He is floating somewhere above this Earth, I tell you. And he may be out of oxygen, or close to it.” I sent the e-mail over to Scorpius as I told him about it.

“Ye Goddesses! You are right. Delay the rest of your column for now, you must help us find him.” Scorpius insisted.

“Would it not be easier to just comm him?” I asked.

“We are doing that now, but speed is of the essence. Try to contact him too, we must not delay!” Scorpius demanded.

Dear Readers,

I have let you in that little snippet of conversation, to show you how *I* found John. He is alive, and completely unharmed. We found him before he ran out of oxygen. Einstein, as he calls the inter-dimensional being must have replenished the oxygen in his suit before disappearing altogether. We know we are above Earth. What we don’t know is when or what reality as John explained this concept to us. We are about to find out.

That was quite exciting, I must admit. Now back to the column (good thing I was ahead of schedule).

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey:

I have aspirations of world domination and could use some advice on how to proceed. Seeing as most of the in-duh-viduals in the world lack any sort of intelligence, it should be an easy task. There are, however, a few obstacles in my way: First, I am a small dog who wears glasses, and second, my associates are an engineer with no imagination and a rat. On the other paw, I am the smartest dog in the world. Could you please give me some suggestions as to how to best proceed with my plan to rule the world?

Thank you in advance.

Signed
Dogbert

Dear Dogbert,

This is a tough one, even for me, I must admit. We are just learning what different species are on Earth, and I am led to believe that dogs are considered pets in some countries and dinner in others.

I think, therefore, that for the nonce, you should be grateful that you are in a reasonably good position and have as an associate and engineer and a rat. It could be worse; you could be dinner.

Lay low for now, I will study Earth cultures some more and determine what you best course of action might be. Just remember, if you act too hastily, you still could be dinner.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,
I am a fan of certain a science fiction TV show. Which one? Well all I can say, here, is that it is in hiatus. E-mail me personally for details. Anyway, I have become obsessed with wormholes and the speed of light.
My wife is threatening to leave me, my dogs hardly know me, and my cats have started peeing in my shoes and under wear drawer. Maybe I am spending too much time on this matter?
I need your advice because until recently you were intimately connected to one rocket jock who also had a similar worm hole obsession.
I do hope you have the "space and time" to publish my letter and share your wisdom.
Do you think we are traveling at the speed of.... oh never mind.
Signed,
Wormhole obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

Let me tell you, we are in a pile of dren just because two of the members of our crew, the people I hang out with, are wormhole obsessed. Actually, one is really at fault, the other is just egging him on for different reasons which I am not at liberty to discuss.

You will just have to deal with it. If the wormholes are as important as you think they are (and your numbers seem to be growing), then you are obviously not spending enough time on the matter. Just how important are the mundane issues of your wife, dogs and cats peeing are next to the galactic issue of wormholes. Not very, I submit.

Buy new shoes and devote your time to wormholes. It seems to be the haute de rigor!

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I have come to ask you for help since I believe you can sympathize with my situation. You see, I too have a neural clone, or so I believe. Sometimes, he talks to me and tells me to do things. Nobody else can hear him. I have named him Harvey jr., after you.

I am so lucky I have a chance to write to you today. I can only use a computer on the weekend, for a little while. The rest of the time I spend in a room with very soft walls. I am alone a lot because the other people in the other soft rooms do not like me. I have no idea why, since they all have problems and I don't, matter of fact I am so much better than them. Oh ok, so I throw a hysterical fit every time I see a cat, but they are just sooo scary. The people who bring food and little purple pills don't like me either. Maybe I shouldn't have said that thing about their mama.

I loved to watch your show before I moved here. Now I only have the internet to catch up. Unfortunately all the other Farscape fans are really mean. They call me troll, and do not share my superior way of thinking. They don't even respond anymore, I have to write my own replies now in order to have somebody say something nice about me. But that is not a problem since I have plenty of personalities to choose from.

But tell me, Harvey, how can I make people realize what a terrific person I am? I simply don't know why they don't like me. Maybe if I stick around long enough...
Sincerely,

Nobody-loves-me

Dear Nobody,

No, you are *not* just like me. I AM the neural clone; you merely have one. However, I am honored that you named him after me..

Not having seen what you have written, I am not able to judge except on your say so what people may be taking offense at. However, if you need to persist with that line, I suggest you try to get more computer time and step up your campaign. You could start with a post that shows how you are superior and how each and every other person on the bboard should bow down to your superiority. That tactic is sure to win people over. You could also add what you think of their social status and their rational abilities. I am sure this will impress the masses.

But, for the best advice, why don’t you have your neural clone contact me directly and I am sure I will be better able to guide him to guide you. We are, after all, on the same wave length.

As for the cats, well, you’ll just have to grin and bear it as they say.

                        ______________________________

Dearest Harvey,

Matters just keep getting more difficult for you! First you were rudely removed from John's mind and then John was rudely removed from your presence! Now, you only have only Scorpius to deal with. I agree that you must treat him with great deference and courtesy. We just want to encourage you. Like John says, "it's NEVER easy!" There is the old adage that says " what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." There is a group of scapers on the bulletin board who make up the "I 'heart' Harvey" club (i.e. I love Harvey). There are many of us pulling for you! Please take it easy and rest assured that it will work out eventually!
Respectfully,

"I Heart Harvey" Girl

My Dear Girl,

Take heart! Things have indeed turned for the better. I am now no longer confined to that small and cramped, albeit plush (thanks to Jeanie, I am forever in your debt), environment. I am now in Moya’s neural cluster and can see what Moya sees, and it is wonderous!

Although, I do rather miss those wonderful Persian carpets and that delightful ottoman, I am happy to make do with these quarters now.

As for the club, WOW, I am speechless! What can I say except I hope to hear from everyone. You needn’t require my advice. I just want to know who you are. Thank you!

*Oh I hope I can stay here, this is so much nicer that that container Scorpius fashioned. Plus, it is so easy for me to send my column off now that I have direct contact with Moya. I am actually ahead of schedule still. Hopefully they will need me here for a while longer.*